


Perfect Sky

by twoshipsdrifting



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, D/s society AU, Daddy Kink, Dom/sub, M/M, Multi, Other: See Story Notes, Panic Attacks, Physical Abuse, Pining, Polyamory, Punishment, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-05-31 23:46:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 40,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6492574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twoshipsdrifting/pseuds/twoshipsdrifting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sub pairs are a rare thing, not only because of the jealousy that can brew between submissives if a Dom isn't attentive to each.<br/>
A sub pair has to be balanced.<br/>
Harry and Louis have always been fit each other without trying.  With them, it's easy.<br/></p><p>



But sub pairs can't just go out in the world and live on their own.<br/></p><p>


Alternatively, Louis always knew that a Dom was going to come into his and Harry’s lives – he only wishes Nick picked him too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Perfect Sky

**Author's Note:**

> All instances of rape and abuse are referenced from the past.  
> There is one instance of physical punishment that I want to make sure I mention.  
> If anything else needs tagged please let me know!
> 
> Thank you so, so much to my wonderful beta, Susan - one of the only people to never give up on me!  
> (Danny and Yasmeen I'm also looking at you..)  
> My fan artist was wonderful as well, mix [ here! ](http://8tracks.com/radioactiveblood/i-m-ready-to-suffer-and-i-m-ready-to-hope)

When Louis wakes up – he’s not in his room at the rehab centre.

His nose wrinkles, something pulling at it.

It takes another moment to realize he’s in a hospital and Louis has to slam his eyes closed so he doesn’t start to panic. Yesterday he was still in rehab, even if calling it rehab was a bit kind.

But submissives can’t just go out in the world: they have to be prepared first. Eight to twelve weeks, if you’ve already been trained and rejected by your Dom.

Which Louis had. Sort of.

Only he doesn’t want to think about that either.

There’s a call button on the rail of his bed and Louis reminds himself to take another deep breath before he pushes it. It’s only moments before the door opens and not one, but two people come through.

“Mr Grimshaw-” Louis tries not to shudder at that. “How are you feeling?”

“Confused,” Louis settles on.

“Yes,” the man says, Louis supposes he’s a doctor. “You’ve been asleep for a little while now.”

“I was in rehab,” Louis says. “I was supposed to be getting released today…” he drifts for a moment, unsure. “What day is it?”

“Yes,” the doctor says. “I’m afraid that won’t be happening.”

Something settles heavy in Louis’ gut at that.

“What?” he manages. “Why not?”

“In situations like these,” the doctor continues, unruffled, “Submissives are returned either to their Doms or their training facilities.”

Louis feels cold at that. He tenses where he’s still mostly reclined in the bed.

“Why?” he asks again. “What happened?”

“I can contact your Dom,” the doctor tells him, skirting around the question again. “Unless you would prefer-”

“Call him,” Louis begs. His throat feels tight and it’s all he can do to breathe. “Please.”

He doesn’t know what’s happened but he does know he’ll do anything he has to not to go back there again.

 

Louis tries to stay awake and wait, hoping that even if Nick says no, he’ll at least get to see Harry for a moment. Maybe two. But Louis is more tired than he knows what to do with, drifting off again after a few slurps of the soup they’d brought him.

When he wakes again, every one of his limbs feels heavy. It takes too long to realize Nick is there. Louis jerks in surprise, already slumping down at the tired look in Nick’s eyes.

“Hello,” he offers, lamely.

“Proud of yourself?” Nick asks.

Louis bites down on his bottom lip.

“I don’t,” he tries, rubbing at his nose. “I don’t know what happened.”

Nick arches a brow at that. “You don’t remember?”

Louis shakes his head.

“I don’t understand why you couldn’t just ask to come back,” Nick says next.

Louis feels ill with the words. _Ask to come back,_ he thinks, pulse pounding in his head.

Nick inhales and lets it back out, appearing to take pity on him. Louis wonders how pitiful he looks.

“If you need me,” Nick begins cautiously, “all you have to do is say so.”

Louis bites down on his instant retort. He doesn’t _need_ Nick. He doesn’t need anyone. Not even Harry. And his heart doesn’t give a twisted thump at that. It absolutely doesn’t.

But the truth is, unfortunately, Louis does need him. He’ll do anything to stop going back.

“I need you,” he forces himself to say the words. He doesn’t even allow himself to look away from Nick’s face.

Nick obviously enjoys hearing it and Louis doesn’t think he’s cruel enough to deny him now. He hopes.

“Alright,” Nick allows gently. “You’ll come home with me then.”

 

Louis’ heart soars in his chest. He drags in a deep breath and has to close his eyes against the tears welling there. He’s so _grateful._ So relieved.

“I’ll do anything,” he promises immediately, reminding himself? “Anything you want. You won’t even see me if you don’t want to, Nick. I promise. I’ll be so, so quiet – not a peep from me-”

“Louis,” Nick cuts him off. He looks horrified.

Louis can only curl in further on himself. Has he already ruined this? How is he _still_ not what Nick wants?

The room shakes and he brings a hand to his forehead.

 "I might be sick," he admits quietly.

Nick shoves the plastic pan under Louis’ chin just in time for him to throw up a thin stream of bile. He falls back against the pillows and lets his eyes close.

 "Here," Nick’s voice is much softer now and Louis feels his body relaxing into the bed as he accepts the cup of water. He gives himself time before trying to speak again.

“Whatever you want,” he tries again, much quieter this time. “Just tell me and I’ll do it, I promise, Nick.”

“Don’t worry about that for now,” Nick tells him. “We’re going to the coast for a bit – I don’t want you overexerting yourself. You need to get better.”

Louis doesn’t say anything at all, nodding. It sounds too good to be true but he remains silent.

“Will you tell me what happened?” he asks eventually.

“Not yet,” Nick murmurs.

Louis nods silently at this too.

.:. .:. .:.

Harry's lips are bitten red and chapped, eyes still pink and glassy from crying. He hugs Louis too tight but Louis doesn’t care. Tears fill his eyes as Louis hugs him back just as hard.

"You're so beautiful," Harry says, pulling back and framing Louis’ face with his hands. "God, I missed you so much. How are you, you feel okay right? You're okay?"  
  
"Harry," Nick says, the warning clear.  
  
Harry bites at his lips until they turn white.  
   
"I'm fine, Haz. A little tired. Fine."  
  
"We're going on a holiday," Harry informs him brightly, one fingertip sneaking to the corner of his eye and slipping away. "A house on the beach. Nick showed me pictures online and it's so perfect. You'll love it, Louis, I know you will."  
  
"First we're getting food," Nick announces. "Someone has hardly eaten in the past three days."  
  
Louis feels his eyebrows move up, taking in Harry again.  
  
"Harry," he sighs.

"I was worried!" Harry defends himself, hands twisting in front of him.

"Even if something happens to me you need to look after yourself," he scolds gently.  
  
"That's rich, coming from you," Nick snaps.  
  
Louis ducks his head as his hands curl tightly.  
He’s cut down just that quick and he hates how Nick can do that to him.  
More than that Louis hates that he doesn’t _care_ he can.  
   
"In the car, let's get a move on," Nick says, gesturing to the black sedan. The door is opened for them and Louis gets tugged into the backseat with Harry before he can think to protest. Harry curls into him quickly, arms wrapping tight around him.  
   
But Nick follows them and then they are all pressed intimately close in the backseat.

  
Louis shivers before managing to get some control of his body back. Nick's fingertips are warm on the back of his neck as the car pulls away from the curb and Louis's eyelids flutter closed.  
  
He can’t breathe for a long moment. Then he forces his eyes open and focuses on the thin gold chain around Harry's neck, the tiny charm affixed to it.  
   
His own neck is naked and that is never going to change. He's gotten free before, he can do it again. For now he just… Has to do as Nick wants. That supposedly means relaxing. He could handle that.

 .:. .:. .:.

The restaurant is upscale. Discreet.  
  
He shouldn't have expected anything else.

People raise their eyebrows at him, naked neck and all, but Nick has already opened his menu, perusing it with a furrowed brow. Louis says nothing, opening his menu as well. It is almost always safer to say nothing.  
  
Harry is all happy energy and smiles. They don’t discuss the hospital, they don’t discuss what happened. Harry devours most of the bread in the basket before offering Louis a roll with a shy smile. Louis tears it into pieces before eating every piece carefully, glad of something to do with his hands. The food arrives quickly and Harry eats this with even more enthusiasm.  
  
Nick watches Louis with a pinched expression, picking over his own meal. Meanwhile, Louis eats like he ate his bread. Slowly. Thinking only of what he is doing at that moment.

 

Unbidden, Louis remembers the first time he’d ever seen Nick.

They had been eating lunch when a Dom came through with two guides. It didn’t take long for him to lock onto Harry, raising an eyebrow at how closely he and Louis were sitting. Louis had already been watching him then, always had a passing interest in the visiting Doms.

Nick very clearly mouthed ‘sub pair’ with both eyebrows up in shock. One of the guides nodded shortly, glaring at Louis. Louis tightened his shoulders, refusing to drop his gaze.

They always liked to blame him; as if he was a bad influence on Harry. Sure, he was probably hindering Harry’s chances of being selected by a Dom, but it wasn’t as if this was all Louis’ doing. As if they hadn’t been drawn to each other like magnets. A planet and a satellite even.

Louis was just as helpless in this as Harry was. They needed each other.

Sub pairings were rare, sure, but they weren’t unheard of. There was nothing wrong with Harry or Louis. If Louis had to remind every single person in the world of that – he would.

Finally Harry noticed Louis’ attention was no longer on him and looked up.  
  
“Oh,” Harry let out as Nick looked to him again. “You like him?”

Louis looked back to Harry, smiling. He snuck one final glance up at Nick.

“Sure,” Louis said. “He looks rich.”

At least he’d been right about that.

  
  
Harry asks to be excused to the bathroom, drawing Louis’ attention and Nick escorts him. They are gone too long; Louis isn’t surprised.  
  
Harry looks flushed and happy when they return, even Nick's eyelids are low with pleasure. Louis takes a gulp of water and tells his hand to stop shaking.  
  
Harry squeezes his thigh once, long. Worried. With his expression carefully blank, Louis squeezes back twice, quick. _I'm fine. Stop.  
_  
Harry just gives him another long squeeze before eating another roll that has been brought.  
  
"We need to leave in ten minutes," Nick says, signing the bill with a scrawl and tucking his wallet away.  
  
Louis wipes his lips and places the napkin precisely back on the table while Harry finishes his food with a content sigh and laces his fingers through Louis'.  
  
"Alright," Nick says, standing and buttoning his suit jacket. "Straight to the airport from here."  
  
Louis follows behind them obediently, still half wondering why all of this is happening.

Harry won't detach from him; even as they sit waiting in the airport, he is tangled with Louis.  
  
Nick is obviously frustrated, pacing back and forth. They weren't meant to be kept waiting and Louis wants to go to him. No, he wants Harry to go to him, to soothe him. But Harry won't leave him and they stay curled on the low bench.  
  
Nick pulls his phone, dialling deftly.

"For god's sakes," he snarls. "What _is_ ready to go now?"

  
There is barely time for a response, maybe two short words before: "Fine. Do it."  
  
He shoves his phone in his pocket before stalking away and Harry and Louis hurry to follow him, hands still clasped together.

Louis doesn’t want to know how much the private jet cost.  
  
Harry is finally forced to part with him and does so with a horrible pout, Nick dropping a kiss to his brow to placate him.

Louis turns to the window and watches the workers guide other planes.

.:. .:. .:.  
  
They are maybe an hour into the flight when Nick speaks directly to him. Louis doesn’t even notice at first, assuming he is speaking to Harry.  
  
"There's a bed," Nick says. "If you're tired."  
             
"No," Louis denies, shell shocked. "You ca-"  
  
"I have work," Nick murmurs, putting his glasses on carefully.  
  
Louis looks to Harry, asleep in a very odd position.  
  
"What about Harry?"  
             
"I can carry him to the bed."  
             
"Are you sure you don't-"  
             
"No," Nick says sharply.  
  
Louis sucks in a gasp, bites down on his bottom lip.

"I didn’t mean to challenge you," he whispers quickly, eyes down. "I was only making sure. You seem stressed."

"Imagine that," Nick says, not kindly. "Stay if you want, go to sleep if you want. Do whatever you want." He all but tears his suit jacket off, tossing it to an empty seat. "I'm taking him back.”

Silence falls sharply.  
   
Louis is frozen, not knowing what to do. If he was Nick’s sub he'd drop to his knees, reach for his hand and try to kiss it, maybe press his cheek to his shoes.  
  
But he isn’t. Not really, so he doesn’t know how to soothe him. He doesn’t know how to make this better.  
  
He rises slowly and moves to the back of the jet, willing himself not to cry. Tugging the cover down and leaving the side closest to the door empty, Louis sits on the other side and slides his shoes off with as much caution as he's been doing everything lately.  
  
His hands only tremble slightly as he shifts his hair to the side.  
   
Nick enters, Harry cradled in his arms. He places him down so carefully Louis nearly aches with it.  
  
"I didn’t mean for this," he says, voice embarrassingly weak. "I know I'm a burden. I didn’t want to come back and wreck things for you two."  
  
Nick pulls the covers over Harry, tucking him in carefully. He runs a hand over Harry’s hair too, not even glancing up at Louis.  
   
"Nick, I'm sorry." The words barely make it out of his throat, ragged and quiet as they meet the air.  
  
"I don't understand you," Nick murmurs slowly. "Not a single part of you."  
  
And that just sums them up so well. A tear slides out against his will and Louis rubs it away, horrified.

"I don't mean to be everything you don't want. I swear I-"  
  
"Louis, stop. Go to sleep. _Please_. Just sleep." Nick turns away and leaves, closing the door behind him.  
  
_I wish you could have him without me,_ Louis thinks. _I wish I was never here at all._ He sighs and his entire body seems to slump with it. He'd tried; he'd tried his best. The thought exhausts him and he lies down, sliding closer to Harry as he sleeps on.  
  
Finally, Louis sleeps too.

.:. .:. .:.

The house is lovely.  
  
It’s the only one for miles around and it even has a private beach.  
  
Harry is right, it’s beautiful. The walls are light and the floors are hardwood, thick rugs with varying calm patterns throughout.  
  
The house itself isn’t very large: two bedrooms, three baths, a full kitchen, a den and a living room. A porch sprawled at the back of the house, leading right to the beach.  
  
Nick and Harry carry all the luggage, the smell of food cooking hitting them as they enter.

"I wasn’t expecting you so soon," a woman with wavy grey hair says, setting a hand on her hip.

"Yes, I apologize," Nick says, setting a huge suitcase down and stepping forward to shake her hand. "I wanted to get everyone settled as soon as I could."  
  
Louis feels painfully awkward.  
             
"Dinner won't be ready for about another forty minutes."  
  
"That's fine. We can unpack."  
   
Louis jumps when Nick begins to guide him forward by the elbow.  
  
"Here, Louis, sit. Why don't you and Harry find something to watch."  
  
Rather than start another argument, he let himself be herded forward.  
  
Nick bends forward quickly before standing again and it isn’t until he is walking away that Louis realizes he was going to remove his shoes for him.  
For just a moment he feels a flush of pleasure, then it twists into even more guilt and shame. Nick can’t even be a proper Dom because Louis is such an awful sub. Like he always knew he would be. All the training in the world, and yet…  
   
"Hey," Harry says, settling in next to him and squeezing his thigh. "Come back."  
  
“I’m right here,” Louis says, tucking his face into Harry’s neck.  
They cuddle rather than turning on the TV and when Nick returns for more suitcases, he doesn’t comment.

 

Louis wakes with a gentle stroke down his cheek, all the way down his jaw.

"Mm," he manages, blinking awake slowly.  
             
"I can show you your room," Nick offers, kneeling in front of the couch.  
  
Louis is loath to move, he doesn’t want to leave Harry's warmth and sleep alone, but he is sure he has pushed Nick far enough today.  
  
"Okay," he agrees, peeling himself out of Harry's arms centimetre by centimetre.  
  
"This way," Nick leans closer to whisper, fingertips pressing to the small of his back, bracketing his spine, for just a second.  
  
Louis very nearly shudders, gritting his teeth to ward it off.  
  
The wall sconces in the hall are dimmed, creating just enough light for them to make their way along.  
  
"It's just here," Nick says. "We're down the hall and around the corner," he adds, nodding to the right.

"Okay."  
   
"There's an attached bathroom, but if you need anything, I'll be up for a while."

"Harry wouldn’t want to wake up alone," Louis says, trying his best to not sound challenging.

"I know," Nick returns neutrally, "I'll be with him."  
   
Louis's teeth sink into his lip. "Right."

He glances into the room before looking back. "Thank you."  
   
There is no answer and Louis goes into his room before closing the door carefully.

  
The lamp on the nightstand is already on, a cream shade illuminating the pale blue walls. The floors are bare wood just like the hall, a few white rugs placed sparingly.  
  
It is a lovely room.  
  
Louis approaches the bed, one arm twisting around his stomach. The sheets are already pulled down for him and he sighs quietly to himself. For a moment it’s too much and he presses his fingertips to his lips.

Nick is such a good Dom: he still tries to take care of Louis even when he openly challenges him and doesn’t even deserve it. Most Doms would have beaten him by now. Nick’s never raised a hand.  
  
Louis shakes once. He wants so badly to be what Nick deserves; to be like Harry. Just open up and _give_.

But he can’t. There is that catch of hesitation, there is that throb of his heartbeat. The memories he doesn’t want to think about.  
  
Sitting down is mechanical and he forces himself to lie flat.

.:. .:. .:.

Louis hardly sleeps and rises early, wandering into the kitchen and slowly examining cupboards.  
           

"Louis, is it?" the woman from the day before questions, settling cloth sacks on the countertop.  
  
He nods once, tugging his sleeves over his knuckles.

  
"Well, what would you like for breakfast? I can make anything or I have some fresh fruit too."

"Fruit sounds wonderful."  
   
He flushes under a long inspection.  
           

"And some tea?"

Louis smiles slightly. "Okay."  
   
He isn’t sure what to do with himself. "Can I help?"  
  
"How about you tell me what Mr Grimshaw and your little friend like to eat?"

"Nick likes his eggs underdone or sunny side up, I guess. And bacon or sausage. No toast. Harry will eat anything," he finishes with an affectionate smile.

  
"Very helpful, and to drink?"  
  
"Nick will want either orange juice or black coffee with a glass of soy milk. You'll have to ask him because it changes daily. Maybe because he's on holiday right now he won't want coffee but I can't be sure…" He drifts a moment. "Harry likes milk, strawberry milk especially. I'm guessing that's not in there, so cranberry grape juice would be next, apple juice if we don't have that either, then regular milk, then water, and orange juice as a last resort."  
  
The woman hums thoughtfully. "I thought it was odd to see strawberry milk."

Louis smiles.  
           

"He noticed," he exhales before pausing and frowning. "Of course he did – I mean- I don't know why I would think that he wouldn't notice. That's so stupid of me. I'm sorry."  
   
"It's alright, Louis. I'm sure you didn’t mean anything by it."  
   
"I don't think I did," Louis murmurs, frowning deeper. "Nick is so good to him and Harry adores him, of course, and I doesn’t mean- I wasn’t trying to-," he cuts off again, panic rising with each word.

There is a touch at his shoulder and he flinches away, falling out of his chair and scrambling back up in a blind panic.  
  
"I-," he tries, voice catching in his throat. His eyes burn.

"I just-," is all he manages the second time around, turning and rushing back out of the room. He is breathless by the time he reaches his room, trying desperately not to sob as pain and shame ricochet through him in equal measure.

  
He hasn’t crawled under a bed in years, but he does then. He catches his ankle on the leg and ignores the throb of pain, drawing his knees up tight to his chest. When he’s curled tightly, he presses both hands over his mouth, fighting to breathe quietly.  
  
It probably takes less than a minute when the door swings open quietly.  
   
Louis stops breathing, squeezing his eyes closed as tight as he can. A whimper slips out as a body curls against him arms tugging him closer. He can’t help a few quiet sobs, not trying to speak yet.  
  
"Do you want me to wake Harry?" Nick murmurs in his ear.  
  
Louis' breathing stutters again. Nick.

They'd never been this close, pressed together like this. Of course Nick wants to pass him to Harry. He struggles with another sob; he knows Nick hasn’t had his coffee yet and he wouldn’t want to deal with Louis before he has.  
  
  
It isn’t like it is Nick's fault: no one would want to deal with this.  
  
Another sob rocks in his chest but he refuses to let it out, curling into himself just a fraction tighter.  
  
"Breathe," Nick tells him. "Just breathe, baby."  
  
After a second Louis manages to, lungs unfurling with relief.  
  
"Beautiful," Nick says. "Perfect."  
  
"'M not," he protests weakly, before he can help himself.  
  
"You are right now. Just keep breathing."  
  
At least this order, he can follow.

Nick waits, arms still wrapped around him tight, fingertips teasing just under the edge of Louis’ ribs.  
   
"Do you know what happened?" he questions finally.  
             
"I had a panic attack," Louis answers dutifully, just like he used to for the doctors.  
  
"Yes, you did," Nick agrees. "Do you know why?"  
   
"I said something stupid," Louis whispers.  
  
"I don't recall anything stupid." Nick leaves it at that and Louis swallows roughly around the fact that he had been listening.  
  
He breathes in and out twice, carefully.  
             
"I don't think you're a bad Dom," he begins quietly. "I-I _know_ you aren't. I've never seen Harry upset with you. You're perfect for each other."  
  
"Okay," Nick says neutrally, fingers pausing for a moment.  
   
"And I don't want you to think- that I think that you're a bad Dom. Because I don't. And you're not. Just because I can't-" he cuts off, unsure how to finish the sentence. He doesn’t want to finish the sentence.  
   
Nick's fingers pause again.

"Can't what, babe?" he prompts.  
  
Louis shivers.

"I just mean I-," and he bites his lip, hating himself.  
  
What does he think he’s doing? What does he think is going to happen here?  
  
"I'm fine now," he says instead. "I'd like to take a shower."  
  
A second passes and Nick doesn’t release him; instead he sighs so deeply that Louis feels the movement against his back.  
  
"Louis, please," Nick pauses awkwardly. "Don't shut me out. Not this time."

He wants so badly to tell him then. To just tell him everything.

  
"Louis," Nick begins and Louis can hear the warning in his voice. "Don't make me do this."  
   
Louis closes his eyes against it but it seems Nick's patience has finally run out. His arms fall away as he slides out from under the bed, climbing to his feet quickly.  
   
"Come out," Nick orders. "Now."  
  
Louis takes one last second before forcing himself out the other side. He stands and turns to face Nick.

"I am done playing these games with you, Louis. You seem to want to please me and then you seem to just not give a fuck. I'm done," Nick repeats, jaw set and eyes sharp. "I am going to ask you questions and every question you don't answer is another lash. For Harry. Do you understand?"  
  
Louis’ jaw drops open and he thinks he feels the blood drain from his face.

 "You wouldn't." He doesn’t mean for it to come out so sharp.  
             
"Keep pushing me and I'll make you watch."  
  
Louis only holds Nick’s eyes another second, chin dropping helplessly.  
  
"Yes, Sir," he forces out, the words physically paining him.  
  
"When you say 'I can't', you meant you can't what?"  
   
"Submit to you," he answers immediately, almost gratified to not have a choice. "Sexually."  
  
"Why not? Don’t you like me? Or have I given you a reason not to trust me?”  
  
Louis shakes his head.  
  
"What then?"  
  
"I'm not a virgin," he admits very quietly.  
  
Nick's mouth is partway open in an incredulous shape.  
  
"You're not a virgin," he repeats.  
  
Louis gives his head one definitive shake.  
  
"So?"  
  
Louis stares back at Nick. "What do you mean _so_?"  
  
"Did you think I would be upset?"  
             
"Yes," Louis answers immediately, bewildered. "Aren't you?"  
   
"Only because I never thought to just fucking _ask_ you. I never should have treated you and Harry the same way. It is a rookie mistake. Just because you're paired doesn't mean you behave the same way."  
  
It sounds like he’s apologizing. Louis wonders if this is a dream.

"Louis," Nick says carefully, rounding the bed slowly, "do you want to submit to me?"  
  
"Yes," he admits while there is still space between them. "I do."  
  
Nick smiles slowly. "We can go slow Louis, just breathe."  
  
"But I don't know if I can," Louis forces out. "I haven't…since."  
             
"Have you been keeping this secret from everyone?"  
  
"Only Harry knew."  
  
Nick stops less than a foot away, jaw tensing.

"Harry knows?"  
  
"Yes," Louis exhales barely, knowing he's made a mistake but also that it’s too late to take the words back.

  
Nick turns sharply and stalks from the room, slamming the door into the wall behind it. Heart in his throat, Louis follows after him.  
  
Harry is at the table, turning to look at their approach.  
  
"Stand up," Nick snaps.  
  
Harry's eyes go wide and he rushes to obey, nearly upending his plate in the process.  
  
Nick slaps him across the face before saying anything else. Harry cries out softly, fingertips pressing at the red blotch already forming.  
  
"Drop your hand," Nick continues, tone still sharp.  
  
Harry obeys seamlessly, visibly shaking.  
  
"You told me you'd never lie to me."  
             
"I'm sorry," Harry says immediately, eyes dropping.  
             
"That's not good enough."  
             
"I can’t-" Harry begins, stopping when he sees Nick's expression.  
  
"Is he your Dom or am I?"  
             
"That's not fair."  
             
"Is he your Dom or am I?" Nick repeats much slower.  
   
"You are. But-"  
  
Nick slaps him again. "That statement should have ended with 'You are, _Sir_ ' and don't you dare and try to diminish those words."  
   
Nick yanks Harry close by the back of the neck suddenly. Harry curls into his chest and Nick begins whispering into his ear.  
  
Louis can hear Harry crying from where he stands, rooted to the floor.  
  
"Mr Grimshaw," the housekeeper interrupts, "I will not stand by and watch you abuse these submissives. One would be bad enough, but as it is..." She makes a disapproving noise in the back of her throat.  
             
"Abuse?" Nick demands. "I have never, nor will I ever, abuse one of my submissives."

"And I'm to take your word on that?" she scoffs. "I've just watched you strike that boy and the way this one flinches..." She makes the sound again.  
  
Nick jerks to look at Louis, Harry still pressed tight to him.

"I will tender my resignation now, Mr Grimshaw," she adds quietly, gathering a bag over her shoulder.  
  
No one moves as she leaves.  
  
"Harry," Nick says, stepping back. "I want you to finish eating and ice your cheek. Then you're to go back to my room and you're not to come out until I return. Understood?"  
  
Louis doesn’t miss the way he says _I return_ and his stomach churns.  
  
"Yes, Sir."  
  
"Louis. Get dressed."  
  
"Yes, Sir," he echoes, perhaps for the final time.  
  
He tries to catch Harry's eye but he is already back at the table, chewing slowly. Inhaling carefully, Louis swallows and turns away.

 

Nick is dressed in a suit and waiting by the time he returns. Louis can still taste bile at the back of his throat.  
  
He doesn’t speak. Can’t bear to ask what Nick is going to do with him now.  
  
"Let's go," he says simply. Louis follows.  
  
The car ride is silent; they both sit in the back but there is at least two feet of space between them and Nick doesn’t touch him.  
   
Louis doesn’t dare more than one glance at him.  
  
When they pull up outside a slick office building Louis forces himself to breathe before climbing out. Nick follows him through the lobby and into the lift, up to the twenty-second floor. He doesn’t say a word.  
  
Louis follows him down a hall and turns left down another hall. Nick stops in front of a grey door and gestures Louis inside but this time he doesn’t follow.  
  
It is quiet inside the office, and what sounds like a harp playing softly. The woman at the desk has red hair swept on top of her head and is wearing a bright, turquoise suit.  
  
"Louis," she smiles. "Come sit down."  
  
It isn’t a request and Louis moves forward, careful not to rush.  
  
"Sit, please."  
  
He does.  
  
"My name is Danielle Klosse. I'm just going to administer a test. Is that alright?"  
   
"Yes, Ma'am."  
  
"Very good. You're to address me as Ma'am or Ms Klosse. Above all, you're to answer each and every question carefully. But, why don't you start by pouring me a cup of tea?" She gestures to a tea set on the corner of her desk.  
  
"How would you like it Ms Klosse?" Louis questions, choosing the more personal approach.

"Two sugars, Louis," Ms Klosse says, writing something down.

  
Louis prepares her tea, hands only trembling slightly.  
   
"Bring it around to me," Ms Klosse adds when Louis set the cup on a saucer. Louis obeys, looking to the door as it opens again.

A man enters and Louis refocuses on the task at hand, inhaling slowly.  
   
"Which side would you like your tea on Ms Klosse?"  
  
"I'm left-handed, am I not?" Ms Klosse snaps.  
  
Louis nearly flinches.  
             
"Yes Ma'am."  
   
He sets it down carefully.  
  
"I'll take some tea as well," the man offers, still just inside the door.  
             
"This is Brock Forrester," Ms Klosse adds.  
  
Louis is frozen, stomach curling in indecision. He swallows and opens his mouth to speak, nothing coming out.  
  
"Why don't you take him some tea?" Ms Klosse questions quietly.  
   
Brock lifts a brow.  
   
"Y-Yes Ma'am."  
  
Louis shouldn't rush, he knows, but he can’t keep him waiting, or Mr Forrester is going to get angry with him. Louis hits the corner of the desk and bites down on a cry, stumbling to the side before righting himself. Heart pounding, he focuses on the tea set again.  
  
"How would you like it, Mr Forrester?"  
  
"Just the tea, Louis."  
  
Louis’ hand is shaking by the time he makes it across to Mr Forrester and he watches the cup tremble on the saucer, every clink of china rattling through the air.  
   
"Thank you," Mr Forrester says, taking it slowly.

   
"Louis," Ms Klosse calls, "come back to me now."  
   
Louis watches his feet the whole way.  
  
"You may sit."  
  
The door opens and closes again. Louis relaxes fractionally.  
  
"Do you wish to explain why you did not obey Mr Forrester? He simply asked for tea. I trust a task that simple is not too much to ask?"  
  
"I-I don't know him," Louis tries to explain.  
  
"Oh, he owes you a full introduction then? Simply for a cup of tea? It must be excellent tea then."  
  
"If I crossed the room to him," Louis swallows, "then he could h-he could-"  
  
"The test is over," Ms Klosse says then. "You may go."

Nick is just outside the door. Louis runs into him and Nick holds him tight.  
  
"Breathe," Nick says. "Breathe."  
  
Clutching Nick’s jacket close in both hands, Louis cries into his chest.

"I'm sorry," he cries. "I'm sorry. Don't punish him because of me. Don't send him away. He loves you. I'm sorry. Please, Nick, please don't."  
  
"Shhh," hands stroke down Louis’ arms, trying to soothe him.  
  
"Please don't," he begs, hands curled so tight they ache.  
  
"I won't punish him. I won't send him away. Louis, breathe, please. I won't hurt him. I won't hurt you. Breathe for me." His chest pushes out against Louis’ hands.  
  
"Breathe," he repeats, "breathe with me."

Louis breathes.

  
Nick guides Louis wordlessly, opening another door and settling him in a chair.  
  
"You did so well for me, Louis. So well. Just stay here and I will be right back."  
  
Louis nods. Stay here. He can do that.

.:. .:. .:.

When Nick emerges, his tie is tugged loose. He crosses back to Louis slowly, crouching in front of him before kneeling. He lowers his head to rest against Louis’ knees. Tentatively, Louis’ hand comes to rest in his hair. For several moments they don’t move.  
   
"What if I say I'm sorry?"  
  
Louis’ heart seizes.  
  
"What are you sorry for?" he manages softly.  
  
His fingers move a fraction, there’s no use holding back now.  
  
"For not trying hard enough to understand. For pushing you aside when you needed me more than Harry. For letting you walk out the door. For making you feel unwanted," Nick pauses then. "For everything I suppose."  
             
"I don't know," Louis admits. He sighs and closes his eyes.  
  
"Maybe we can try again."  
  
Louis tenses, hand slipping out of Nick’s hair. Something hot and tight coils up his spine and he forces himself to breathe. It is better than Nick sending him away… Isn’t it?  
  
"Slowly," Nick emphasizes, looking to his eyes for the first time. "We won’t do anything you don't want to, Louis. I promise you. I’ll never force you before you're ready. I’ll never hurt you before you ask me. Never again."  
  
He can’t answer him. He doesn’t have an answer. Louis’ shoulders loosen, eyes closing again.  
   
"Are you hungry?" Nick asks finally. "You must be, you didn’t eat breakfast."  
  
He stands slowly before offering his hand.  
  
"Yes," Louis admits, staring at Nick’s fingertips. "But Nick…"  
  
"Yes?"  
             
"You're keeping me?"  
             
"Yes."  
  
He touches Louis’ jaw softly, fingers sliding back to his neck, seeking out a good hold.  
Louis moves up and forward as Nick guides him, eyes closing as he kisses Louis’ temple.  
  
"We have so much to talk about but not yet. We should eat. And go back to the house."  
   
"Harry must be so upset." Louis bites down on his lip just thinking about it.  
             
"We all are," Nick says.  
             
"But the way you hit him," Louis whispers, curving down.  
Nick's hands tighten.  
"I know," Louis continues. "I know…But still, he's so… Fragile."  
             
"I know."  
  
Nick strokes a finger down Louis’ cheek before stepping back.  
  
"Let's go, hm?"  
  
Louis nods.

 .:. .:. .:.

They go straight to the house, Nick hanging his tie on the doorknob as he closes the door.  
It hadn’t lasted more than thirty seconds once they'd gotten back in the car.  
  
That perhaps more than anything shows how upset he is. He never removes his tie this early in the day, let alone yanking it off and treating it so carelessly.  
             
"Why don't you go and see Harry?" Nick suggests. "He'll want to see you first."  
  
Louis hesitates, not because he doesn’t want to, but because he’s terrified of walking away from Nick in this moment. He needs something.  
Louis takes Nick’s hand gently, like he'd wanted to do so many times before. Palm sliding against his, Louis presses the back of Nick’s hand to his cheek, exhaling at the contact.

Nick doesn’t move.

"Thank you," Nick says, eyes wide.  
  
"He'll want to see you too," Louis returns quietly before releasing his hand.  
   
"I'll be in."  
  
Louis turns for the stairs, hurrying up them in an eager rush to get to Harry.  
  
He isn’t in bed like Louis expects, the top of his head just peeking over the far side of it. There is a single moment's hesitation before he enters the room Nick and Harry share, rounding the bed quickly and dropping down next to him.  
  
Harry is slumped awkwardly, more lying down than sitting down. His mouth and cheek are red and Harry slowly looks at him.  
  
"Louis!" He launches himself at Louis, knocking him into the bed as his arms wrap around him. "Oh my god, I thought you weren't coming back. I thought he is going to send you away- oh my god," he hiccups before crying into Louis’ shirt.  
  
"I did too," Louis whispers in Harry’s ear, fingers scratching across Harry’s scalp. He waits until Harry calms down before he tries to tell him anything serious.  
  
"He apologized," he says first. "And he says we can take it slow."  
   
Harry sighs. "Really?"  
  
Louis levels a mock glare at him.  
             
"Are you accusing me of lying?"

Harry's lips curl up, unwillingly.  
  
"No," he says, still smiling.  
             
"It sounded like you were," Louis says, wriggling free of his grasp and pulling a pillow from the bed. "And those are fighting words, Harry Styles!"  
             
"Are not!" Harry yells back, jumping up to get a pillow too.  
  
Louis swings the pillow before Harry has a chance to turn, mussing his curls. Harry laughs before swinging his pillow too, catching Louis’ shoulder. They fight until they are laughing too hard, falling to the bed and tangling together on instinct.  
  
"Love you," Harry says after a final giggle.  
             
"Love you, too," Louis smiles briefly. "How's your cheek?"  
  
Harry sighs.  
             
"Hurts," he says simply. "But I deserved it. I'd feel worse if he hadn’t."  
   
"It was about me," Louis sighs, unable to make it a question.  
  
"Yeah," Harry says simply. He looks down. "How could I choose?"  
   
"I'm sorry I put you in that position."  
  
Harry forces a smile, meeting Louis’ eyes again.  
             
"Knock it off. I get to take care of you sometimes as well."  
             
"You shouldn't have to."  
  
Harry rolls his eyes before puffing his chest out.  
             
"I am bigger than you and stronger than you, Lewis," he begins grandly.  
             
"Shut up, you know that's not my name," Louis laughs, poking Harry’s cheek.  
   
"I miss your laugh," Harry says, deflating suddenly.  
             
"Well, then you'll just have to make me laugh more."  
             
"Challenge accepted!"  
  
He tickles Louis under his ribs and Louis screams, trying to shove him off.  
  
That is how Nick finds them.  
  
They sober when they catch sight of him, both of them sitting up. Louis runs a hand through his hair.  
  
Nick doesn’t say anything for a moment, watching them from the doorway.  
             
"Come on," he sighs finally. "We all need to talk."

Nick sits them down on the couch, saying nothing about the fact that Harry is still holding Louis’ hand.

            “First of all,” Nick says, “I’m very sorry to the both of you. I’ve been horribly remiss in my duties. Harry, I am sorry for punishing you for protecting Louis. Louis… I don’t even know where to begin. I made unfair assumptions about you and I’ve hurt you so badly. I am sorry.”

Louis glances to Harry and then back to Nick.

“Thank you,” he says slowly.

“Ms Klosse has a theory and I need to ask you – I just need a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’. You don’t have to say anything else,” Nick adds.

Louis takes a deep breath and Harry gives his hand a squeeze.

“When you told me you weren’t a virgin...” Nick says carefully. “Was it by your choice?”

Louis closes his eyes and breathes out gently. He works very hard to stay in the present moment. He shakes his head and swallows, hoping it’s enough.

“Oh, darling,” Nick chews the words out, frowning heavily. “Darling, I am so very sorry.”

Louis shrugs. He wants to laugh it off.

“I was always causing trouble,” he says. “Mouthing off.”

“Everybody loved you,” Harry says, leaning closer.

Louis shakes his head, exhaling hard as his eyes fill.

“They warned me that if I kept going I was going to regret it – and they were right.”

“You didn’t deserve that,” Harry says fiercely. He sounds like he is crying too, but Louis can’t look at him.  
  
“No one deserves that,” Harry adds, curling into Louis’ side.

“Once they made sure I wasn’t _pure_ anymore, the training really started.” Louis wipes off his tears quickly, smearing them on his thigh.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Nick says again. “Only if you want to.”

Louis shakes his head again.

“I don’t,” he says.

“Alright,” Nick announces. “That’s enough of that then.” He clears his throat and sets his hands on his hips. “Harry, love, why don’t you go and take a bath, alright?”

Harry looks to Louis, who nods.

Nick frowns but doesn’t comment.

“Okay,” Harry nods, drawing away from Louis and standing.

“Alright if I sit?” Nick asks.

Louis exhales deeply and nods. Nick waits until the bathroom door closes upstairs to continue.

“Right, Lou, we do actually need to talk.”

“Right,” Louis agrees. They both ignore the way his voice shakes.

“I’m sorry,” Nick says again. “I just thought you didn’t like me.”

“I didn’t,” Louis admits. “Not at first. I knew that I could never really give Harry the things that you could. I was jealous.”

“And now?”

“Yeah,” Louis sniffs and laughs once. “Maybe I like you alright now.”

“Louis,” Nick says after a long moment. “If you don’t want me to touch you – that’s alright. I understand now.”

Louis breathes in and out again, holding himself carefully.

“I don’t really – I don’t really know.”

“We can try,” Nick tells him, “but we don’t have to.”

Silence creeps in around them and Louis has no idea how to break it.

“I’d like you to feel safe with me,” Nick adds. “I’d like to get you into therapy as well. If you want to.”

Therapy seems impossibly large and somewhat terrifying.

“Breathe,” Nick reminds him. “Just breathe for me.”

Louis nods quickly. He scoots closer to Nick, relaxing when Nick wraps an arm around his shoulders.

“You don’t have to make any decisions right now,” Nick says.

“Okay,” Louis agrees finally.

“Last but not least,” Nick sighs. He pauses and presses a kiss to the top of Louis’ head. “May I give you a bath?”

“Um,” Louis manages, “That sounds… Nice?”

Nick giggles quickly.

“Trust me, love.”

“I’ll get the water started,” Nick says, “You want to stay here or come up with me?”

Louis barely has to think about his answer, ducking his chin before opening his mouth.

“Come with you, please,” he says, instead of _please don’t leave me._

Nick sends him a gentle smile before he stands and offers Louis his hand. It isn’t very traditional – and Louis doesn’t care.

He doesn’t necessarily feel like Nick’s sub; he feels more like they are coming together. Maybe for the two of them it’s as a good a place as any to start.

They head to Louis’ room without any discussion. Louis smiles to himself a bit: they both know Harry loves a good soak.

“Put in whatever you want,” Nick suggests as he turns on the hot water. “I’ll go get towels.”

Louis supposes he’ll check in on Harry as well but he doesn’t mind.

He pours in some lavender bubble bath and settles on the edge of the tub while it fills. Nick doesn’t return immediately and Louis wonders if he and Harry are getting off together.

He doesn’t really know what to hope for though; if Nick tries something and Louis freezes again it would be awful. But maybe Nick is giving him time to get undressed?

The thought settles in his ribs and melts its way down. Nick is a good Dom. Louis knows he is.

After another moment Louis decides to wait for Nick to come back. If he’s going to freak out, maybe it will be better if it’s before he gets in the tub.

Nick knocks as he returns and Louis smiles again. He reaches over to turn off the water before standing and opening the door.

“Oh,” Nick says, blinking at him.

“You could have gotten in?” he then suggests stiltedly – probably trying not to spook Louis.

Louis pauses to lick his dry lips. “I thought maybe you’d like to help with that?”

Nick blinks again, swallowing once.  
             
“Alright,” he says.

 

He steps past Louis and settles a stack of towels and a bowl on the counter.  
             
“You sure?” he checks, glancing down at Louis.

“No,” Louis admits. “But I want to try.”

Nick nods at this, expression serious.  
  
“Well,” he says, “Here’s how I want to do this. I don’t want to run this like a scene, so no colours. I want you to say ‘no’ or ‘stop’ or ‘don’t’; alright?”

Louis stops to consider this. He doesn’t like the idea of saying no to Nick, but if this is what Nick wants… He can try.  
  
“It’s important,” Nick adds softly. “I don’t want to muck it up again.”

“Okay,” Louis says carefully.

Nick smiles at him.

“Alright, darling, how about we start with your shirt?”

Louis nods his assent and Nick watches him another moment before reaching out.

“Stop,” Louis says clearly, unmoving.  
  
Nick freezes, expression horribly patient as he meets Louis’ eyes again.  
  
“Just checking,” Louis whispers.

Nick reaches up to cup Louis’ cheeks before pressing a kiss to his forehead.  
             
“Perfect,” he says. “And how did I do?”  
             
“Perfect,” Louis echoes.

             
“Your shirt?”  
  
Louis nods again, inhaling carefully as Nick grasps the hem of his shirt.

Nick slides his shirt up gently and while part of Louis is terrified, another part of him is electric at the skim of Nick’s hands.  
             
“Arms up,” Nick suggests softly.

Louis obeys easily, exhaling as Nick lifts the fabric out of the way and he can see again.

“There we are,” Nick says, smiling again. “Okay?”

“Mmhmm,” Louis manages, breathing in again.

“Joggers next,” Nick says. Louis knows that, but he still appreciates Nick’s patience. Nick tugs at the knot at the waistband, opening it easily. Then he pauses, watching Louis for any reaction.

Louis is only moving to breathe though, not really sure of what he’s feeling. Maybe this would be okay?

“I’m gonna slide them down, love,” Nick tells him.

Louis manages a small nod. It’s not like it’s that important really. Louis still has his pants and it’s not like he hasn’t been naked in front of plenty of people before anyway.

Nick’s hands feels huge on Louis’ hips, settling beneath the fabric before dragging it down.  
  
“Step out?” Nick asks.

Louis blinks twice, realizing it’s over. His joggers are bunched around his ankles.

“Still good?” Nick asks as Louis obeys.  
  
“Think so,” Louis says. It’s very quiet though.

“Why don’t you finish for me?”  
  
Nick busies himself at the sink, washing his hands. Louis could cry. He won’t though.

Instead he shimmies out of his pants quickly, stepping into the tub and sitting down. The bubbles come up past his shoulders and the water is so warm he feels like he could melt into nothingness.  
It’s nice.

“All settled?” Nick checks, drying his hands and turning around. Louis nods, biting down on his smile.  
  
“Good,” Nick says.

He sets the bowl on the edge of the tub before kneeling down next to it.  
  
“Hello,” Louis says.  
             
“Hello, Lou,” Nick returns.

It’s sort of important and lovely.

“Tilt your head back,” Nick instructs.  
  
He dips the bowl in the water and brings it back up. Louis closes his eyes and does as Nick says. Warm water cascades down Louis’ head, only Nick’s free hand protecting his face.  
  
“Alright?” Nick sets the bowl aside and Louis nods, smiling.  
  
“Dunk this?” Nick asks, handing over a washcloth. Louis does, handing it back. He wonders how often Nick and Harry do this.

“I wish I could start over with you,” Nick admits, almost as if he could read Louis’ mind. Wouldn’t that make things so much simpler?

Nick lathers the washcloth in soap before continuing.  
  
“You just wanted to take care of Harry, didn’t you?”

The question steals Louis’ breath away and his chest feels uncomfortably hot. “And you.”  
  
“And me,” Nick agrees. He washes Louis’ shoulders carefully before speaking again.

“I thought maybe you were trying to live my life better than I could.”  
  
Louis doesn’t know how to process that – not really.  
             
“I wanted to be useful,” Louis tells him. Nick nods like he understands.

“I wasn’t ready to be taken care of, love.”

“I have to have a purpose.” Louis insists. He’d nearly gone crazy trying to please Nick. He’d cleaned – even though Nick has a maid. He’d made breakfast – even though Nick hardly ate it. He’d had lunch delivered to Nick’s office and had the security guards call when Nick left so he could start dinner.

Nick had never acknowledged him.

 “You picked out my clothes,” Nick reminds him.  
  
“There were always three choices,” Louis says, frowning.  
  
“Then you stopped,” Nick says. Louis doesn’t mention the day Harry had picked a tie for Nick. Nick had worn it, even though it hadn’t matched.

“I doubted myself,” Nick says, “but I was too proud to ask.”  
  
“Harry is your sub,” Louis says, “I’m just someone extra.”  
  
He doesn’t look at Nick.  
  
“I never realized you felt that way,” Nick says.  
  
Louis shrugs, biting his lip.

“It was my thing,” he says. “Your clothes and your food. I can’t-” he shrugs again, “but I could do that. Except Harry can do all of it, _everything_. You never needed me.”

Nick grips the edge of the tub hard.

“Louis,” he says. “I’ve treated you horribly.”  
             
“It’s alright,” Louis tells him. He breathes in to will the tears away. “I was never going to be good enough for you.”

It hurts to say it out loud, but it is freeing too. Louis feels more solid, more real.

“That’s not true,” Nick argues. He shakes his head. “That’s not true at all.”

Louis doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. Nick isn’t even touching him and he already feels flayed open. He turns to the wall, ignoring Nick.

“Oh, Lou,” Nick says. It is quiet for several moments. “Will you let me wash your hair at least?”

Louis thinks about it. He turns back, sitting up and wrapping his arms around his knees so Nick can reach.

“Thank you,” Nick says. His touch is gentle, massaging the shampoo across Louis’ scalp.

Nick guides him wordlessly from there, tilting his chin and rinsing his hair carefully. He helps Louis out of the tub, wrapping a towel around him quickly.  
             
“I wish I could start over with you,” Nick says again. He rubs his hands up and down Louis’ towel-covered biceps before bending to drain the tub.

“Pyjamas?” Nick asks, guiding him back to his bed.

“Can we-,” Louis starts before stopping.

“Ask for whatever you want,” Nick tells him. “Please.”

Louis nods. He thinks back to the bad nights when all he wanted was to be held.

“Can you hold me?”  
  
“Yes,” Nick says immediately, “Love – yes.”

Louis tries to feel brave. He lets go of his towel and pulls the blanket back. It is cold after the heat of the bath and Louis immediately curls up, leaving his back and arse exposed to Nick.

He’s scared, honestly.

Louis forces himself to keep breathing, curling his toes as tight as he can. He can do this. Maybe.

The bed dips under Nick. He reaches across Louis for the blanket, pressing against Louis’ back. Louis breathes out harshly, grabbing Nick’s hand when it is offered. Nick is still dressed and his cock isn’t hard. Louis is so, so relieved.

“Thank you,” Louis says. “Thank you.”  
  
“This is the best moment of my week,” Nick says. “You don’t have to thank me.”  
  
“I want to,” Louis tells him quietly.  
             
“You’re so beautiful, Louis,” Nick says.

He doesn’t say anything else, letting the words hang in the air. Louis doesn’t think Nick wants anything for them – but he wishes he could give Nick something back anyway.

.:. .:. .:.

Louis isn’t sure what time it is when he wakes.

His stomach grumbles terribly and he sits up, somewhat relieved to be alone. He finds pyjamas already laid out on his dresser and Louis smiles as he steps into clean boxers and tugs a shirt on. He pulls on the striped joggers as well, heading for the door.

Even in the darkness he finds his way downstairs easily enough, heading straight for the kitchen as his mouth begins watering. There are a few containers of food in the fridge and Louis pulls one out at random, opening the lid to reveal pasta.

He crosses the kitchen and digs in a drawer for a fork, groaning in satisfaction as herbs spread over his taste buds. Louis can’t recall being this hungry in years, eating all of the pasta so quickly his stomach protests.

“Forgot to eat,” he realizes out loud. “Stupid.”

Louis sighs, shaking his head at himself and setting the dishes in the sink. He could do them but someone will be in in the morning to make breakfast and tidy, and honestly, Louis can’t be bothered to do them knowing that. He drinks a glass of water and heads back upstairs instead.

Louis pauses at the top of the steps, biting down on his bottom lip. He heads toward Nick and Harry’s room, surprised to see the door partly open.

They’re not curled up together but they are close enough that their legs are tangled and Louis blows out a sigh.

He misses sleeping with Harry. Still – he hasn’t been invited. Louis sighs more quietly and heads back to his room.

 

He sleeps heavily, only waking twice.

In the morning Louis still feels tired. He doesn’t really want to move from bed but loath as he is to get up, Louis does it anyway. He ignores the shower though, pushing his hair out of his face and half-heartedly putting on new clothes.

For a moment he wonders if the distance between him and Nick is because Nick wants him to make his own decision or because Nick doesn’t really want him anyway.

What if it’s all pity? At this point, it’s more than likely. Louis sighs, taking a moment to cover his face with his hands. He doesn’t want to think about it.

At all.

Louis plops himself back down on the bed, sighing as his shoulders sag. What does he think he’s doing? He wasn’t even sure he could be naked in front of Nick, let alone do anything remotely sexual with him. How long is Nick willing to put up with him?

Even if Nick is telling the truth and he doesn’t need anything from Louis -not because he doesn’t want to but because Louis can’t- Louis would still only feel like an outsider between the three of them. If he can’t trust Nick totally, if he can’t let him in – is there really any hope for Louis?

Louis nearly scoffs.  
  
Even if there is hope, how long could he hold onto it? How long does he want to?

Louis inhales and exhales, before he lies back down.

.:. .:. .:.

Louis doesn’t sleep again, but he closes his eyes and pretends. It’s a while later that a knock sounds on the door.

“Louis? Feeling up to some breakfast?”

Louis’ stomach rolls. He blows out a sigh. Even hearing Nick’s voice makes him feel sick.

“Not hungry,” he calls out.

There’s a pause and then the door opens. Louis groans and tugs a pillow over his face. Nick approaches the bed and there’s a light touch on his knee. Louis flinches before forcing himself to relax.

“Sorry, love,” Nick says. “Just worried about you.”

The bed dips under Nick’s weight and Louis thinks he can hear Nick sighing before there’s an even gentler touch just below his knee. “Can you talk to me?”

Louis peeks out from behind the pillow.

“There he is,” Nick says, smiling. “Now, how are we?”

“Not good,” Louis admits quietly.

“No,” Nick agrees.

He waits and Louis chews on his lip. It’s nearly silent. Nick’s thumb strokes under his kneecap.

“Wanna tell me?” Nick prompts gently. Louis shakes his head and bites down harder on his lip.

“Feel lonely,” he mumbles, cheeks warming.

“Wanna c’mere?” Nick asks as he pats his thigh in offering and yes, Louis wants. He wants quite a lot.

Slowly Louis takes the pillow off his face and he sits up, breathing out.

He can do this. It’s not a big deal.

Louis debates crawling across the bed before he gets up and stands by the bed, stomach turning nervously. Nick pats both his thighs this time, smiling up at him.

Louis exhales again, climbing into Nick’s lap awkwardly. He tries to wrap his legs around Nick’s waist, but it doesn’t really work. Louis wriggles a bit, settling his knees next to Nick’s thighs. His foot cramps awkwardly and Louis pushes up, trying to rearrange himself. The ball of his foot slips in the sheets and for a split second he’s in freefall. Then, Nick grabs hold of his biceps and Louis clings to him.

“’Ve got you,” Nick says. Nick pulls him upright and settles his hands on Louis’ hips, holding him steady. Louis exhales, heart still pounding hard.

“Thanks,” he says.

“Not a problem,” Nick says. It sounds like he’s smiling. “At least you’re more scared of falling than you are of me, right?”

“I’m not scared of you,” Louis tells him. “Not like that.”

Was it worse that he couldn’t really quantify the ways that Nick scared him?

“When I flinch, I’m not thinking about you,” Louis adds quietly. “I’m not really thinking at all.”

Nick’s hands feel tighter on him and Louis doesn’t know if Nick’s gripping him harder or if it just seems that way.

“Alright,” Nick says, very serious. He stands carefully, taking Louis with him. Louis makes a small sound of protest but holds on, laying his cheek against Nick’s shoulder. Nick cups the back of his thighs and Louis lets himself relax.

“C’mon, love,” Nick hums. “Let’s get some food in you.”

“Okay,” Louis agrees. He feels hopelessly small and a bit safe as Nick carries him down the stairs and toward the couch.

“Pancakes?” Nick questions. He drops onto the couch, gentling his hold on Louis so they can both get comfortable.

“Don’t leave me,” Louis whispers. He settles beside Nick, still holding onto his arm.

“Harry’s helping Marlene,” Nick says. “They’ll bring it in.”

Louis feels grateful, relaxing into the couch and closing his eyes.

True to Nick’s word food is brought to them and Harry settles on Louis’ other side so they can all eat together. Marlene leaves instructions for lunch and leaves for the day, pulling her little cleaning cart behind her.

Harry even takes the plates when they’re done and Louis would be more grateful if he had the energy for it.

“I was thinking,” Nick says, fingertips drifting across Louis’ shoulder and back. “That maybe Harry could go on a little trip and we could have some time to ourselves.”

“You think he’d be okay?” Louis asks, not challenging – only worried.

“He seemed okay with the idea,” Nick says. “What do you think?” he asks softly. “About you and me?”

“Yeah,” Louis whispers. His heart is pinching tight in his chest. “Okay.”

Nick smiles. “Good.”

Nick kisses him, a gentle press of lips that has Louis catching his breath. He leans further into Nick, mind racing along as his fingers curl and clench.

It’s terrifying – choosing to press even closer to Nick.

He’s never done this with anyone but Harry and the control Nick has over him, the control Nick could have over him at any given moment… It’s exhilarating.

Nick kisses him again. His fingertips press against the back of Louis’ neck, holding him steady. Louis can’t stop the soft, helpless noise he makes.

Nick draws back. “Alright?”

Louis nods. “Can you… Kiss me again?”

Nick doesn’t answer verbally, simply pressing his mouth to Louis’ again.

Harry comes back at some point, settling behind Louis without a word and leaning against his back. He kisses the top of Louis’ shoulder before settling against him again.

Louis eventually draws away from Nick – but it’s still nice being pressed between the two of them. Maybe it’s weird that he feels more like he matters when he’s physically between them. Maybe it isn’t. Louis feels fucked up enough most of the time. He’s not going to worry about this.

.:. .:. .:.

It’s a bit scary how easy it is to help Harry pack a bag and send him off with a quick kiss to his brow and a bit of a longer kiss on his pouty little mouth.

“I’m so excited, Lou!” Harry’s saying, drawing away from him and stepping to Nick. Nick adjusts his curls quickly, smiling.

“You’ll have a great time, Harry.”

Harry nods, kissing Nick soundly and breaking off as he laughs.

“I know! The Wizarding World of Harry Potter! I only wish we were all going together… But next time! Yeah?”

“Of course, love,” Nick tells him.

“I’d be thrilled to go with you, Hazza,” Louis tells him.

“Yeah,” Harry smiles. He pauses as Nick wraps a thin scarf around his neck. Nick plucks at the fabric, making sure that Harry’s necklace shows. Louis’ stomach dips a bit. He exhales quickly.

Maybe someday.

Maybe.

“And I’ll find all the best places to go,” Harry says. “It’ll be like I’m on recognizance.” He flips his hair quickly. “Styles, Harry Styles.”

“The most adorable spy,” Louis tells him.

“Of course,” Nick agrees.

 

Nick’s hired a Dom to escort Harry for the trip and Louis is only a bit worried. Harry’s really excited about this and only partly because of the trip; he also wants things to work out for Louis and Nick. For all of them, really.

Louis wants that too. Quite badly. He really thinks this alone time could help. Or, at least, give them an idea of whether or not it could work out later.

Louis exhales slowly. He tries to keep his expression blank so neither Nick nor Harry says anything to him. He doesn’t want them to worry about him.

Harry gives him another hug anyway, clinging tightly.

“Good luck, Lou,” he whispers fiercely.

“Yeah,” Louis says, licking his hips and swallowing to try and dispel the dryness in his throat.

Harry’s gone quickly then, leaving Nick and Louis standing by themselves – looking at the closed door. Louis glances at Nick, only to see Nick is already looking back at him. He looks down sharply, cheeks heating.

“Well,” Nick says, “just you and me.”

“Yeah,” Louis agrees.

“What d’you want to do?”

“Don’t know,” Louis admits. “Feels weird.”

“Mmhm,” Nick agrees.

His hand circles Louis’ wrist slowly, like he’s giving him the chance to pull away. Louis doesn’t.

Nick draws him closer, taking each shoulder in hand and giving them a gentle squeeze.

“Alright?”

Louis nods.

“Tell me if you aren’t?”

Louis pauses a moment. “I’ll try.”

“Alright,” Nick says. “How about a bath?”

Louis’ face feels warm again, but he still nods.

 

The house seems quieter without Harry there, but Louis is pretty sure he’s only imagining it.

“What about tonight, then?” Nick asks.

Louis is still damp from his bath earlier, Nick stroking long fingers through his hair as they watch a movie together.

“Hm?”

He doesn’t want to think about whether or not Nick means sex. He hopes not.      

“Do you want to sleep with me?” Nick clarifies. “Or would it make you nervous?”

“I-In your bed?”

“Mmhm,” Nick agrees. “Plenty of room.”

Louis smiles, nuzzling slightly closer to Nick’s chest.

“Okay,” he whispers.

Nick doesn’t say anything to that, pressing a kiss into his hair. Louis is already tired, but he still has the energy to wonder if Harry made it to his hotel. He hopes Harry will be alright to sleep on his own. They’ve slept together or Harry with Nick for years now.

Louis sighs.

Harry is supposed to call soon and Louis just needs to stop worrying until the call comes. Nick presses another kiss to his hair.

“Stop worrying,” he says, poking Louis’ ribs.

Louis laughs.

“He’s so…”  
  
Only Louis can’t really figure out how to describe the way he feels protective over Harry without making it sound like Harry is a helpless child. He isn’t, obviously, but Louis worries like he is.

“Pure of heart?” Nick suggests, only a trace of humour in his voice.

“Yes,” Louis laughs again. “Pure.”

“We scheduled an evening flight so he can go straight to the hotel, relax, and sleep.”

“I know,” Louis says. “It was a good plan.”

“I quite thought so,” Nick says.

.:. .:. .:.

Harry calls before the movie has ended and Nick puts him on speakerphone so they can all talk at once. Harry loves his room and has already had quite a time jumping on the bed because, ‘it’s not like it’s our bed so I can’t hurt it.’

“And there’s free bubble bath,” he continues. Louis can picture the smile on his face.

“I’m glad you’re enjoying the room,” Nick says, smiling as he looks at Louis.

There’s a pregnant pause and Louis thinks that Harry wants to ask how they’re doing but that he also doesn’t want to make things awkward.

“I just got out of the bath meself,” Louis says, only bragging a bit.

“And didn’t splash me once,” Nick adds, still smiling at him. Louis feels like a flower blooming under Nick’s warmth. It’s a bit terrifying – a bit dizzying as well.

“Sounds like I missed a good time,” Harry laughs.

“You did,” Nick tells him. “Maybe we’ll all get in the tub when you get back.”.

Harry laughs at that and Louis can’t help a smile.

“We won’t all fit!” Harry protests, still chuckling.

“Louis is compact,” Nick teases, giving him a quick pinch. “We’ll fit.”

Harry laughs again before letting out a yawn.

“I think the plane ride made me sleepy,” he admits slowly.

“That’s alright Hazza,” Louis says. He feels a bit tired himself.

“Get some rest, love,” Nick says. “Big day tomorrow.”

Harry yawns again.

“Yeah,” he says. “D’you think I’ll be sorted into Gryffindor?”

“Maybe if you ask nicely,” Louis says when Nick shoots him a confused look.

“I will,” Harry says. He sounds so determined Louis can’t help but laugh silently.

“Bring back lots of souvenirs,” Nick says brightly.

“Okay,” Harry agrees. He yawns again, quietly. “I think I’ll go to sleep.”   

“Sounds like a good idea,” Nick says.

“Okay,” Harry says again. “Goodnight. Love you, Nick. Love you, Lou.”

“Love you,” Louis says, feeling warm all the way down his chest.

“Love you, too,” Nick adds before ending the call.

 

“He sounds happy,” Nick says. Louis hums in agreement. “Feeling better?”

“Yeah,” Louis says. “Sorry.”

Nick tuts quietly.

“It’s alright,” he says. “You worry about him.”        

“Reminds me of my sisters,” Louis says. His eyes are half-closed and he feels dangerously close to falling asleep.

“Yeah?” Nick asks quietly. Louis manages a nod. He thinks he does at least.

Nick picks him up, Louis can feel his head lull back. He wants to curl up but doesn’t seem to have the energy, so instead, he closes his eyes and relaxes.

.:. .:. .:.

Louis wakes a few hours later. He’s so disoriented when he stumbles into a wall where he’s expecting the bathroom to be.

_Nick_ he remembers vaguely. He’s in Harry and Nick’s bedroom.

Louis blinks a few times and feels along the wall until his eyes adjust to the dim light. By the time he comes back, Nick is sitting up. His hair is flat on one side and he’s squinting in the light from the bedside lamp.

“Alright?”

Louis gives him a smile and nods. “Just needed a wee.”

Nick pats the empty side of the bed, returning Louis’ smile.

“And you?” Louis asks as he climbs in. “Missing Harry?”

“Only a bit,” Nick admits. Louis reaches up to smooth down Nick’s hair. He takes a quick breath and stretches even higher to kiss the corner of Nick’s mouth.

“I like having you here like this,” Nick tells him. “With me.”

Louis leans back on his elbow, glancing down to the bed. “Does that mean I can sleep here when Harry gets back too?”

Nick guides his chin back up.

“Louis,” he says. “Yes, of course.”

Louis’ lips curl up.

“Yeah?” he double checks.

“We want you here,” Nick says firmly.

“Okay,” Louis says through his smile. “Okay.”

“Back to sleep?”

“Mmhm,” Louis agrees, rubbing at his eye before flopping back down.

Nick reaches over to flick off the light before laying down as well. He lays an arm over Louis’ waist, pulling him closer.

It doesn’t take Louis too long to fall asleep.

.:. .:. .:.

Louis still feels a bit listless when he wakes up but it’s easy enough to shake it off and make his way to the kitchen. There’s already someone from the maid service there, the waffle maker on the counter.

“How many?” she asks Louis.

“Five,” Louis says. Just in case.

“Alright,” she says. “There’s fruit and whipped cream in the fridge. Then I’ll be out of your hair.”

“Thank you,” Louis says, settling at the table to wait. He thinks about it for a moment – waffles with toppings are probably not the best thing to have for breakfast in bed. Maybe he should go get Nick up instead.

Louis is oddly excited at the prospect, hurrying back up the stairs. He jumps into bed, giggling at Nick’s groan.

“C’mon, love,” he says, kissing Nick’s brow and then his cheek. “Breakfast.”

“No,” Nick huffs, rolling over and burying his face in the pillows.

“But there’s waffles,” Louis sings.

“Don’t want to,” Nick tells him.

“Nick,” Louis pouts. “I don’t wanna eat alone.”

Nick turns to look at him before sitting up.

“Alright,” Nick says. “I suppose I could eat.”

“It’ll be good,” Louis tells him, taking hold of Nick’s hand and tugging. Nick tugs him back, catching Louis’ mouth in a kiss.

“Good morning, love.”

“Morning,” Louis answers. He feels impossibly happy- impossibly hopeful.

“Come on!” he calls, laughing when Nick tries to grab him again.

By the time Nick’s made it downstairs Louis has set the table and is sitting waiting in his chair.

“Looks good, right?”

“Yeah,” Nick agrees, stopping to press a kiss to the top of Louis’ head.

It’s the best breakfast Louis has had in a long time. It’s the best morning he’s had in a long time.

.:. .:. .:.

Nick and Louis take a walk on the beach and it’s quiet between them. Louis only worries what Nick is thinking a bit though. For the most part he tries to enjoy it.

“It’s beautiful here,” he says as they drift to a stop.

“Very,” Nick agrees.

Louis takes a breath and swallows once.

“When do we go home?”

A smile flickers over Nick’s mouth. It’s lovely.

“Soon,” he allows. “If you’re feeling up to it.”

“Okay.”

Nick steps closer to him, his hands lifting to frame Louis’ face gently. Louis lays his hands over Nick’s, as he closes his eyes and breathes. When Nick’s mouth settles over his, it’s the sweetest surprise. Louis opens his mouth slowly, drawing in Nick’s bottom lip. Nick moans at that and Louis presses even closer.

They kiss for slow, dizzying moments and Louis has to blink twice when Nick draws away.

“Alright, love?”

“Yeah,” Louis is quick to reassure him. “Can we – um…” His throat tightens up and he swallows.

Nick is patient, hands dropping to Louis’ hips and giving a squeeze. Louis lets his hands drop too, unable to cross his arms with how close they’re standing.

“Can we go to bed?”

Nick purses his lips at that, clearly ready to make some remark about how it’s barely the middle of the day – but then he stops.

“Yes,” he says softly.

The waves lap on the beach and Louis reminds himself to keep breathing.

“Yes, we can,” Nick adds, linking their fingers and tugging Louis back up the beach.

Nick doesn’t let go of him the whole way back to the house and not even up the stairs to Louis’ room. Part of Louis is sure that Nick has chosen his room to try and make him more comfortable and the rest of him is dizzy with the notion.

It’s only when Nick stops to close the door behind them that he releases Louis, and Louis takes two steps closer to the bed before stopping and shivering.

Nick looks at him, smoothing a hand through his hair slowly.

“I’m okay,” Louis says, coughing gently to clear his throat.

Nick crosses to him and takes hold of him so gently that Louis nearly trembles with it.

“You’ve never really been able to be a sub, have you, darling?”

Louis closes his eyes, shaking his head once. Nick lays his palm against Louis’ cheek and Louis inhales slow, leaning into him.

“I want you to tell me anything you don’t want me to do, alright? That’s the only rule I’m giving you.”

“Do you want me to ask to come?” Louis checks quietly. Doms have always seemed to want that from him. It’s never been a problem.

“No,” Nick tells him, shocking him. “If we get that far, if you’re able to come with me touching you – it would please me very much.”

Louis nods. The words are nearly a weight across his chest: he wants to please Nick. Very much.

“But the rules first,” Nick says. “The rule,” he amends. “Tell me what it is.”

“I have to tell you what I don’t want you to do,” Louis says dutifully.

“Tell me if you’re scared,” Nick says gently. “Tell me if you’re uncomfortable.”

“I’m scared,” Louis admits. “But I want-” He pauses, unsure how to put into words the way he wants to open himself up to Nick. The way he wants to give in.

“I know,” Nick says. “I want to help you, love.”

Nick steps back then, crossing to the bed and tugging the sheets down. He climbs in and spreads his thighs, leaning against the headboard.

“Come here.”

Louis only hesitates a moment, even trying to smile for him.

“Come sit against me,” Nick adds. “Pull the blankets up.”

Louis does this too, settling his body against Nick’s. After a moment he spreads his thighs as well.

“Tell me what you want,” Nick says.

Louis ducks his head, face and neck heating uncomfortably. He wants to know what it feels like. He wants to know what it will be like to give himself up to Nick.

“Touch me,” Louis says. He feels reckless and brave in that moment, inhaling deeply.

“My dick,” he adds. “Make me come.” _Make me yours,_ he thinks wildly. “Please.”

“Grab the lube,” Nick says, pointing towards the nightstand. Louis tenses for a second, breathing out.

“Not for that, love,” Nick breathes in his ear. “Not tonight. Maybe not ever.”

Louis’ heart beats violently in his chest. Could Nick be telling the truth? Does he really not care if Louis won’t ever be ready for that?

“Breathe,” Nick says. “Just breathe.”

Louis reaches out and grabs the lube, just for something to do. He settles back against Nick again, still clutching the lube.

“You’re my submissive,” Nick tells him. “You’re mine, Louis. Mine to care for. Mine to please. I won’t hurt you if that’s not what you want.”

“I like being spanked,” Louis blurts out. That’s not really important at the moment, but it’s better than thinking about what Louis definitely doesn’t like.

He didn’t like getting fucked back then. Especially not when there used to be nothing but a rough push in and not even the relief of orgasm to chase away the pain.

“I didn’t like the way it hurt,” Louis whispers. “It hurt a lot and I couldn’t get away.”

Nick gently pulls the lube away from him, taking both of Louis’ hands in his, and he squeezes them.

“We don’t have to do this right now,” Nick reminds him. “There’s plenty of time.”

“I want to know what it feels like,” Louis says. “I want to know what it feels like when it’s good. I see Harry when you’re done with him and I want that too, Nick – I want to know what subspace is like, without being terrified of coming back up. I want so many things I’ve never had and I don’t want to wait anymore. I want to do this.”

Nick brings their arms across Louis’ stomach, holding him even closer.

“Try to think about that then,” Nick suggests. “Think about me. And Harry. Think about all of us. Stay with me.”

Louis nods.

“Alright,” Nick says. “If you’re sure...” He pauses for a long moment before continuing. “How about you shimmy out of your jeans then?”

Louis takes a deep breath. “Okay.”

He can do this. He’s also really glad that Nick brought the blankets up over his lap. He exhales slowly. Nick is a good Dom, he can trust him.

Louis unsnaps his jeans and eases the zip down. Something clutches in his chest and he fights against it, pushing the denim lower on his hips as he lifts them up. There’s just the threat of a spark low in his tummy and Louis keeps breathing.

He _does_ want this.

He pushes his jeans and pants away in one motion, dropping back down onto the bed and nestling into Nick again.

“Alright,” Nick says.“First I’m going to bring my hands down under the sheet.”

Louis nods.

“Then I’ll touch your thighs.”

Louis nods again. He can do this.

Nick’s hands slip under, just like he said they would, and Louis catches his breath. Nick’s hands are warm and Louis can’t help his reaction; he tenses up and tries to close his legs. Louis slams his eyes shut, hands fisted in the sheets. His knees are bent at different angles, his right leg much closer to his hips.

“Okay,” Nick says carefully, not having moved his hands yet. “Deep breath. Tell me if you want to stop.”

“I don’t know,” Louis blurts. He takes a shallow breath and lets it out before inhaling deeper. Nick eases his hands away, settling them on his own thighs.

“No rush,” he reminds Louis. “Take your time and keep breathing.”

Several moments pass in silence.

Louis opens his hands and then his eyes. Slowly he puts his legs down like they were before. He lets out another careful breath.

“Feel better?”

“Mmhm,” Louis manages. “Sorry.”

His jeans are a tangled mess and he debates a moment before kicking them off and down towards the foot of the bed.

“Do you want to stop?”

Louis thinks about it. He takes stock of the way his heart is pounding away in his chest, the way he can nearly feel it at his temples.

Louis breathes.

Nick waits.

It helps.

“No,” Louis says shallowly.

“Do you need to stop?” Nick asks then.

Louis takes another breath.

“No,” he answers.

“Put my hands where you want them.”

Louis exhales shakily. He lifts Nick’s hands slowly, draping Nick’s arms across his stomach so it’s like Nick is hugging him.

“Oh, love,” Nick sighs. He presses a kiss to Louis’ collarbone, holding him gently. “Maybe not today.”

“Wait,” Louis says. “Please.”

“Alright.”

Nick’s not sure how long it is before Louis moves again. He drags Nick’s hands down his stomach and over his hips, settling them on his splayed thighs and pressing down.

Louis breathes carefully.

He spreads his thighs more, surprised and carefully hopeful that he wants to.

“D’you want to touch yourself, Louis?”

Louis shakes his head, biting down on his bottom lip. “Want you to.”

Nick still moves slowly, even his breathing gentle as he takes Louis in hand. Louis inhales sharply and neither of them move. A moment passes before Louis wriggles a bit, wanting more of… Something.

“Not very patient,” Nick teases. He still doesn’t move his hand, pressing a kiss to Louis’ cheek.

“Been waiting a long time,” Louis says. He can hardly believe it, he’s getting hard. He wants to do this. Even if his heart is still racing more out of fear than anything else.

“Just don’t…”

“The arse is a no fly zone,” Nick picks up for him. “Not a problem.”

Louis nods.

“Please,” he says. “Please, touch me.”

 

Nick squeezes his cock and Louis can’t help a tentative moan. He tenses again. Was he supposed to be quiet? Supposed to be louder?

For a dizzying moment he can’t remember what he’s supposed to do. He knows Nick laid out rules but he can’t _remember_. He inhales, blinking twice.

Nick’s stopped moving again.

“C-Can I…?”

“You can do whatever you like,” Nick tells him. “Whatever feels good to you, Louis.”

Louis nods. He inhales and exhales rapidly.

“Do you want me to keep touching you?”

“Yes,” Louis says after a moment.

“Alright,” Nick says. “Why don’t you get some lube and help me?”

Nick strokes painfully slow before Louis has even managed to move.

“Oh god,” Louis grits out, thighs and back tightening at the sensation.

“Alright?” Nick checks, hand stilling again.

“Yeah,” Louis tells him, searching out the lube and picking it up.

“Put some in your hand,” Nick says when he pauses. “Whichever hand you wank with.”

Louis blushes all over again.

“I um-,” Louis says. “I don’t do that.”

“What, never?” Nick demands, clearly shocked. Louis is so glad he can’t see his face.

He shakes his head.

“Oh,” Nick says. There’s a long beat of silence and it’s getting very awkward very quickly. Louis is tempted to ask if they can stop again.

“Love,” Nick begins, his hand loosening, “have you ever – Have you ever come?”

Louis waits before shaking his head again.

“Oh,” Nick says again.

“They always said that it was no good for subs. It was no good unless we had something up our arse and I just… Never did. But it’s supposed to feel good,” Louis says, losing some steam. Nick’s hand is still wrapped around his cock and this is honestly so awkward. “It feels good even if we don’t do _that_ , right?”

“Yes,” Nick tells him. “It does, Lou.”

Louis takes a deep breath. “Can we try?”

“Yes,” Nick says. “But I’m going to talk for a little bit first, alright?”

“Okay,” Louis agrees, frowning.

Nick slowly pulls his hands out from under the sheet, leaving Louis’ flagging erection pressed up against the sheet.

“We need the lube because it gets too dry when I go faster, okay?”

Louis nearly laughs at that. He half turns in Nick’s lap, leaning into his chest and pressing a kiss below his collarbone. He feels reckless all over again.

“I had training, remember?”

“I don’t know if I would call it training,” Nick grouses, frowning.

“I’ve given handjobs. I’ve given blowjobs. I know how it works. I just… Haven’t… Been on the receiving end. That’s all.”

“It’s a bit more intense when it’s you.”

Louis nods, he knows that too.

“Alright,” Nick says. “Do you still want to do this?”

Louis nods and turns again, leaning back against Nick’s chest. Something in him has loosened up and maybe it’s because of the way Nick is treating him. It doesn’t feel like Nick is his Dom, not really. It sort of just feels like they’re two people and that Nick is going to help him get off.

Louis thinks he’s okay with that.

Nick picks up the lube and squeezes a bit into his hand.

“Gonna be cold.”

Louis nearly laughs again, allowing a smile.

“I know.”

Nick grips him again, stroking up slowly. His free hand settles on the inside of Louis’ left thigh, steadying him.

It’s good.

Louis leans back against Nick, letting his eyes close as he bites at his lips.

“You don’t have to be quiet,” Nick reminds him. “But you can be.”

“Kind of like it,” Louis explains. “When it hurts a little.”

“How ‘bout a pinch?” Nick suggests. His fingers stroke over the top of Louis’ thigh as his right hand drops down and tightens again before pulling up again.

“Okay?” Louis asks, unsure.

Nick pinches him hard and quick, Louis hissing as the pain spreads out. “Please.”

“Faster?” Nick asks.

Louis nods.

He can’t help but squirm as Nick continues, pinching him again as he strokes his cock.

It builds faster than Louis expects. He breathes in and whimpers, thighs aching with how tight he’s holding them open. His whole body feels tight, his shoulders and his neck. His stomach and even his feet. It’s so hot under the blankets too, his whole body burning up as sweat beads at his brow.

Louis doesn’t care about much though, so long as Nick keeps touching him. His left thigh is tender enough now that Nick’s left it alone. It just means that all of Nick’s attention is on Louis’ cock though.

Nick is good at this. Which Louis guesses he should have known.

“Nick, please.”

Louis feels so, so close, but he can’t seem to get there. Whatever that place beyond orgasm is.

“Please, what?” Nick asks, voice low and rough in his ear.

“Touch me,” Louis begs, holding tight to the blanket.

“I am touching you, love.”

Louis whimpers again, eyes burning as tears fill them.

“More,” he begs. “Lower.”

Maybe he can’t come without it; maybe they were right.

“Lou,” Nick says, hand slowing down.

Louis whines, loudly. “Don’t, don’t stop.”

Nick doesn’t say anything. He picks back up again, going so quickly it almost hurts.

Louis wants to come so badly.

“Please,” he begs, “please.”

Tears spill over and Louis feels so dangerously close to splitting apart. Maybe they were right; maybe he’s broken.           

“Hold on a second,” Nick says. “Hold on, Louis.”

He’s pushing Louis up then, away from him and Louis panics, crying out.

Nick climbs back into the bed, hands settling on Louis’ hips and tugging until he’s lying down.

“Shh, shh,” he soothes, holding Louis’ hips down. “I’m just going to try sucking you, alright?”

Louis is dizzy, barely able to comprehend the words.

“Can I take the sheet down?” Nick asks.

Louis nods after a moment, swiping at his cheeks quickly. Nick eases the sheet and blanket down, exposing Louis’ hips and cock. He kisses each of Louis’ hipbones before wrapping his lips around the head of his cock. Nick sucks gently and then harder, swirling his tongue over the head before taking more of Louis in.

It’s more than Louis could have imagined, his body whipping tight again.

Nick’s hands squeeze his hips, fingers wrapping around towards his arse.

Louis closes his eyes and throws his head back. He feels like he’s upside down, the back of his mind spinning as sensations shoot over his nerves. Nick holds him – controls him. He could do whatever he wanted with Louis like this. And all he wants is to give Louis pleasure.

Louis opens his mouth – to scream or beg more he’s not sure. No sound comes out.

His jaw strains as every single muscle pulls against the ecstasy exploding across his skull. It’s too much to take in. He’s burning too bright as everything crashes in at once.

Nick pulls off him gently, fingertips stroking back and forth across his hips. Louis lies limp, only breathing as he stares up at the ceiling. Nick wriggles closer to him and lays his cheek on Louis’ stomach. He exhales slowly and closes his eyes.

“How do you feel? Are you alright?”

His brain is still spinning but Louis knows it’s important to answer. He brings one of his hands up with some difficulty, threading his fingers through Nick’s hair.

“Yes,” he exhales. “Thank you.”

Nick kisses his stomach before crawling even further up Louis’ body. He pulls Louis impossibly closer, wrapping him tight in his arms.

“You’re so beautiful,” Nick says. “So, so perfect. I can’t believe you trusted me so much – my beautiful boy.”

Tears seep down his cheeks, so easily that Louis has no desire to stop them from coming.

“Thank you,” he says again, pressing his face into Nick’s chest and repeating it over and over.

.:. .:. .:.

When Louis wakes it’s still dark and Nick is curled around him.

He feels whole.

.:. .:. .:.

Louis is quite tired in the morning. Nick guides him through a shower and then helps him dress.

They have breakfast together again.

Louis is quiet, mind mostly spinning around as he tries to mesh who he was yesterday with who he feels like today.

He feels better. He thinks.

Only things aren’t going to stay this way, are they? Harry’s going to come back, for one. And Nick has to go back to work. They have to leave this house and go home.

Louis wonders what will happen to him back home. It isn’t like Nick can possibly balance everything all at once. With work and Harry, he’s hardly going to have time to coddle Louis like this.

Louis sighs. He only wishes that he didn’t feel like such a burden all the time.

 

Nick lets him simmer for the first part of the day before seeking him out.

Louis has tucked himself away in his room, wrapping his arms around his knees as Nick knocks and enters.

“Alright, Lou,” Nick says, sitting on the bed gently. “You gotta talk to me.”

“Okay,” Louis agrees, trying not to feel too wary.

“Are you upset about what we did?”

Louis shakes his head, biting on his bottom lip.

“I like being here with you a lot. But… What about when Harry comes back? What about when you go back to work?”

“You mean, what if it just goes back to the way it was?” Nick corrects gently.

Louis nods after a moment.

“Well,” Nick sighs. “I can’t guarantee how you’ll feel. But I can guarantee that I will not be treating you the same way as I treated you before. We understand each other better now. I’m going to take care of you – that won’t change.”

“But what about when you get sick of me?” Louis continues. His heart hurts with how hard it’s beating but he ignores it. “I’m not easy to handle or convenient and when everything else is stressing you out you’re not going to want to deal with me, too. I can’t even blame you – I don’t _want_ that for you. I want- I want to not be the way that I am. I want to just live and love without being afraid all the time.”

“We’re all afraid, Lou,” Nick says. “I’m afraid every day. You terrify me.”  
  
Nick shakes his head quickly before Louis can argue. “I’m terrified of hurting you again. Losing what little trust I actually deserve from you. But I think in a lot of ways I’m scared of the exact same things you are.” Nick takes a breath and lets it out. “Between you and Harry, I’ve no idea what I’m doing most of the time. That boy would lie in traffic for me and he’d never let me know he didn’t want to. At least you give me some indication of whether or not you’re pleased with me.”

“Harry’s always pleased with you,” Louis tells him.

“He can’t be,” Nick protests, face screwing up.

“Mmhm,” Louis says. “Even when you punished him, he said he would have felt worse if you hadn’t.”

There’s a long, tenuous beat of silence between them.

“What are we going to do if I have to punish you, Louis?”

Louis inhales sharply.

“Please don’t,” he says before he can stop himself. “I’ll be good I swear – I won’t mouth off at all. Please, Nick.”

Nick closes his eyes and breathes out.

“That’s what I mean,” he sighs. “I don’t ever want to remind you of what you’ve gone through. Not ever again.”

“We’ll find another way,” Louis says. He feels like crying suddenly. “Please keep me.”

Nick reaches into his pocket, slowly drawing out a pink chain.

_Rose gold,_ Louis realizes, blinking at it. A tiny triangle hangs down between Nick’s fingertips.

Louis can’t breathe. That looks just like Harry’s collar.

“What,” he manages, swallowing roughly.

“I’ve had this for months,” Nick tells him. “And I don’t think it’s the right time for me to give it to you, but I want you to know that I have it. I want you to know that this is what I want.”

Louis feels like he’s been dragged underwater; there’s not enough air in the room. There’s not enough air in the world.

“Nick,” he tries to say. It mostly comes out as a wheeze though.

“I know,” Nick laughs softly, “it’s a lot to take in.”

He moves to put it back in his pocket and Louis shoots forward, grabbing his arm.

“Can I, um, see it? Just for a moment?” He just needs to make sure it’s real.

“Yes,” Nick says. “It’s yours.”

Louis shivers, fingertips brushing against the frail chain.

“It’s real,” he says. “You really got this for me?”

Nick smiles kindly. “Yes.”

 

Louis thinks there was a time when Nick would have mocked him. There was a time Louis would have pretended it didn’t cut him open. But then they’re past all that now, aren’t they?

“Thank you,” Louis says. “Thank you, Nick.”

“You’re welcome, love.”

“It’s beautiful,” Louis adds. He can’t seem to manage anything louder than a reverent whisper. For a moment longer, Louis runs his fingertip along the chain, feeling the tiny swells and dips of it.

“Okay,” he says, “I’m done.”

“How about a cuddle then?” Nick asks, not moving yet.

“Please,” Louis says.

Nick pockets the collar gently before climbing fully in the bed and kicking off his shoes. Louis snuggles into Nick’s arms, pressing his face just under Nick’s jaw. In return, Nick wraps his arms tightly around Louis’ back.

It’s sweet.  
  
Easy.

.:. .:. .:.

After lunch Nick breaks out his laptop, which surprises Louis.

“Gonna ease back into it,” Nick tells him.

Louis thinks Nick wants to prove that he can balance both his subs and his job.  
Louis offers a small smile.

“Okay,” he says. “I think I’ll go for a swim then.”

“Watch out for sharks,” Nick teases.

“Fuck off,” Louis tells him cheerfully.

“Working on it,” Nick shoots back. He grins and Louis feels warm down to his toes.

Still, Louis doesn’t let himself smile until he’s on the stairs. He changes slowly, not really eager to go to the beach alone. It’s beautiful though, and he’s never actually swum in the ocean before so Louis tells himself to look forward to it. Maybe by the time he steps onto the beach he’ll actually be excited.

.:. .:. .:.

The water is colder than Louis expected. For what seems like the longest time he just stands with the tide washing over his ankles.

The ocean is so vast, it could almost be terrifying. There’s something a little soothing too though.

Almost like darkness.

He wades in further – dipping his hands in as the water reaches his thighs. At this point the only option left is to dive in. It’s a shock to his system and Louis can’t help a little shudder as his feet find the loose sand again. He pushes hair off his face and swipes a hand over his lips for good measure.

The salt is still there – shockingly bitter.

Louis shivers again, swimming further out. His body adjusts slowly and Louis breathes out in relief. The water is much nicer when it doesn’t feel so frigid.

Louis swims in a small circle before letting himself float. This must be why people rave about the ocean so much, Louis thinks. This is lovely. He feels like he could just float away into nothingness if he tried hard enough. Every single problem seems worlds away from him.

Louis wonders if he could just stay here. Of course he would get lonely. Probably hungry, too. Louis smiles to himself. Alright, so he can’t stay here, but it’s still nice.

Louis isn’t sure how long he’s been floating before he pulls himself back up to take a look around. The shore looks a lot further away than it did last time he looked.

Louis takes in a shallow breath, willing himself not to panic.

Okay. This is fine. He’ll just swim back.

Louis takes another breath to steady himself before swinging his arm out and taking the first stroke. He kicks his legs and forces his body forward, trying not to think about how far he has to go. After what he feels has been a reasonable time Louis pauses to look back to the shore.

He gasps.

He doesn’t look any closer at all.

_Okay,_ he thinks frantically. _Breathe._

It’s okay.

He’s just not swimming fast enough. He can do this.

 

Louis starts again, kicking harder this time. He ignores the way his muscles are starting to ache. He hasn’t swum that far at all, it’s all in his head. He’s fine. He can do this.

He’s just panicking, and there’s nothing to panic about.

It’s not like he was out far enough to drown.

_Breathe,_ he thinks. _Just breathe._

He thinks about Nick holding him close, making him breathe. There’s another spike of panic then.

_Nick_.

What if he does drown? What if he never gets to see Nick again? What if he never gets to tell him he loves him? What if he never sees Harry again?

_Oh god_.

Louis stutters to a stop, slamming his eyes closed. He can’t bring himself to look at the shore. He can’t bring himself to look at anything at all.

_God,_ he thinks. _Please._

Louis sneaks a glance back to shore. He’s closer. He has to be.

He can do this. People go swimming in the ocean all the time and don’t drown. He’s not this much of a fuck up. He isn’t.

Louis inhales deeply.

He starts again.

Water seems to be all around him. Louis can’t remember where the shore is. He keeps swallowing more water as he tries to drag in enough air to keep swimming. It’s dizzying. He thinks inanely that he’s quite changed his mind about the ocean.

Then his head dips below the water.

It’s enough to spark new adrenaline and Louis kicks hard, breaking out. He stops, trying to think for just a moment – trying to plan. The shore looks closer but Louis is so tired now. He just wants to float a while.

He knows he can’t, that he’ll only get dragged back. Louis takes in unsteady breaths and forces them back out again.

 

He starts again.

This time, when the water closes over his head – it’s a relief.

.:. .:. .:.

He’s disoriented when he opens his eyes again – water pouring out of his mouth as he chokes and heaves.

Impossibly, Nick is there, pounding on his back.

“God, Louis,” he pants, “God, I thought you were dead.”

Louis turns onto his side, coughing up water and spluttering as his fingers dig furrows in the sand.

“Nick,” Louis gasps out. He turns a bit, eyes wide as he takes him in. “I couldn’t. I couldn’t.”  
He can’t seem to get past that; he’s exhausted and still feels ill.

Maybe he just can’t admit that he was too weak to make it back to shore on his own.

“It’s alright,” Nick says. He pushes Louis’ hair off his forehead.

“It’s alright,” he says again, “just rest.”

Louis squirms closer to him, further from his sick. He manages to wrap an arm around Nick, grateful to be lying still.

“We’ll go back up to the house in a mo,” Nick tells him, closing his eyes.

Nick carries Louis back.  
He doesn’t let go of Louis until he’s barely a foot from his bed.

“Take a shower if you feel up to it,” Nick says, smoothing down his hair. “Or just nap, alright? Everything is going to be okay.”

Louis nods slowly.

“Nick,” Louis says. Nick pauses in the doorway, glancing back. “You shouldn’t have come in after me.”

He doesn’t want to fight but the thought of both of them dying and leaving Harry alone.  
Louis can’t stand the thought.

Nick visibly swallows. “Are you alright, Louis?”

Louis nods once. He goes into the bathroom and closes the door.

.:. .:. .:.

Louis goes straight to bed after the hottest shower of his life. He couldn’t bear to put his face under the spray but hopefully that will pass.

Falling into bed feels like heaven.

.:. .:. .:.

Louis wakes, disappointed that Nick isn’t there with him. He gets out of bed slowly, pulling on a shirt and a pair of trackies.

“Nick?” he calls, opening the door.

There’s no response.

Louis heads for the stairs, going down them slowly. His body still feels weak.

“Nick?” he tries again, turning the corner. Nick looks up, two men Louis doesn’t know sitting on the couch opposite him. Louis takes in the scene again, breath stalled in his chest.

The men are both wearing neat suits, posture nearly perfect. A tiny, not insignificant, part of Louis is relieved.

_I thought you wanted to keep me,_ he wants to say.

He doesn’t.

Nick doesn’t look happy about this and Louis can feel it clicking into place. He thinks he knew this was coming anyway. And it makes sense. It does.

Louis almost got the both of them killed today. Even if he didn’t mean it.

It’s not like Nick can risk that. Louis certainly can’t expect him to. No – Louis screwed up. Again. And this time there’s no second chance. It’s not even about Nick putting Harry above Louis this time. Louis could have gotten him killed.

He still feels sick to his stomach at the thought.

“They’re going to get you some help, Louis,” Nick says, standing up.

Louis looks at him. He nods.

“Okay,” he agrees.

 

It only takes another moment for Louis to realize that Harry isn’t here. That he won’t get to say goodbye. Panic clenches tight around his heart.

The men in suits stand too.

Louis feels an urge to run.

“Wait,” he says. “Nick – please, I have to say goodbye to Harry. You have to let me.”

Nick looks torn at this. Louis feels terrible for both of them.

“I think that would only make it harder on all of us, Louis.”

Louis closes his eyes and exhales. He thinks of the collar, wonders if it’s still in Nick’s pocket. Maybe he’s thrown it out. Or maybe he lost it in the ocean.

“Please,” Louis says again. “I’ll be so good. I won’t leave my room, I won’t make a sound. Nick-”

“I can’t. I’m sorry.”

The men in suits walk around the couch to get to Louis and he panics. What if they punish him too? He tries to run for the stairs, yelping when they catch up to him. The men lift him easily and Louis’ struggling does no good. There’s a ringing in his ears. He can’t be sure if he’s screaming or only trying to. An iron hand grips his forearm and there’s a pinch inside his elbow. The world quiets down at the pain of it.

“Harry,” Louis hears himself say. He thinks about Harry’s dimples. His hands.

“Please,” he manages, “you have to…”

The world goes black before he sees Nick again.

.:. .:. .:.

Louis wakes in a hospital bed.

Again.

The room is dim and he appears to be alone. He’s pleasantly numb.

.:. .:. .:.

The doctor seems nice. She has laugh lines around her eyes. Louis likes that.

“Hello Louis,” she’d offered before taking a seat and folding her hands in her lap. “How are we feeling?”

“Okay,” Louis says. He frowns then. “Kinda sad.”

He feels like he should be sadder though.

“Yes,” the doctor agrees. “I’ve put you on an anti-depressant for now. Until we’re a little bit further out of the woods. Is that alright?”

Louis didn’t really know that he needed medication. But that was only his opinion. If the doctor thought that he did, she was probably right. Maybe Nick had even requested it.

Louis frowns at the thought. It hadn’t hurt that badly though. Like pain in a dream.

“I guess so,” he answers finally, remembering she’d asked him a question.

“Okay,” she says. “If it makes you feel worse, or increases thoughts of suicide, let me know immediately.”

_Oh,_ Louis thinks, stomach squeezing. “Is it dangerous?”

“It can be,” the doctor says. “But it can also be very helpful. Just let me or any of the nurses know. It’s very important, Louis.”

He nods before yawning.

“Mostly I just feel tired,” he says. “But I think once it really sinks in that he doesn’t want me, I might be a lot sadder.”

“Mr Grimshaw has been very worried for you,” the doctor tells him, pity draped across her lips. “He only wants you to get better.”

“I could do that,” Louis says. “Maybe.”

“I understand you’ve been through quite a bit of trauma,” the doctor says next. “It’s perfectly normal for submissives to experience depression and suicidal behaviour.”

Louis frowns at that too. It is almost nice to hear the word trauma. Like it isn’t Louis’ fault, what had happened to him. It was almost like vindication.

He even feels a bit better, that he isn’t one of the suicidal submissives. Even though it probably isn’t right to think of it that way. Other submissives probably have it worse than him anyway.

He’d had Harry.

Louis heart swells and twists in succession. He loved Harry so much. Still – he was happy for Harry and Nick. Maybe if the doctor is telling the truth and he got therapy – if he got better – maybe he could go back to them.

“Can I,” he hesitates, panic fluttering somewhere in the back of his brain. “Can I ask something?”

“Of course,” she says.

“If I get therapy,” Louis begins. “Um, if I get better… Could I – well, did Nick say I could come back? If I improve?”

She is quiet for a long time and Louis knows the answer.

“I don’t want you to think about that right now, Louis.”

Louis takes in a careful breath, closing his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she adds. “But I need you to get better for yourself. And I don’t want to build you up only to have a setback for you if things don’t progress the way you want, or as fast as you think they should. If you’re constantly thinking about Mr Grimshaw I believe it will only hinder your recovery.”

Louis feels numb, pain flaring hot on the edges of his skin. He cries softly, breath not even hitching as tears fall down. He’s never felt like this before. Honestly, he can’t decide to be glad for the medication or loath it. It almost seems a waste to feel only a bit of his pain.

Why feel it at all?

“I want you to get some rest,” the doctor tells him. “I’ll check in with you soon.”

.:. .:. .:.

Louis dreams of Harry.

It’s not pleasant, not exactly.

Louis feels like any moment Nick will appear to steal Harry away – but he never comes. Still, the whole dream is overshadowed by an intense feeling of dread.

.:. .:. .:.

A gentle hand on his shoulder wakes him.

Louis draws in a breath, grateful as he blinks open his eyes.

“Hello,” the doctor says. “Would you like some breakfast?”

Louis nods, even though he doesn’t really feel hungry. It’s important to eat – he knows.

“I know I didn’t introduce myself before,” she continues, swinging a tray over his bed. “I’m Dr Taber. Didn’t want to overwhelm you.”

“Nice to meet you,” Louis says dutifully.

He lifts the cover off his food. Pancakes. Louis stifles a sigh.

“Make sure you eat at least half,” Dr Taber tells him. “Then we can give you your medication.”

Louis nods again.

“And I want you to think about your therapy. We have group sessions and single sessions. It’s up to you what we try first, alright?”

“Okay,” Louis says, tearing off a strip of pancake and popping it in his mouth.

“I’ll check in again,” Dr Taber says, standing and patting his shoulder.

She leaves and Louis wishes he felt relieved. He doesn’t feel anything.

.:. .:. .:.

Louis dreams of Harry – and, impossibly, when he wakes, Harry is there.

Tears seep down Louis’ cheeks slowly. He inhales carefully and doesn’t bother to wipe them away.

“You’re here,” he says.

“I love you,” Harry says, leaning forward and taking Louis’ hand in both of his.

“I love you so much,” Louis returns.

Pain and happiness are slow in his veins, dripping down like syrup.

Harry kisses Louis’ brow before leaning back again.

“Don’t cry,” Harry says.

Louis laughs once. “Shut up, you’re crying too.”

“’M not,” Harry lies, smile wobbling.

“I love you,” Louis says. It feels so good to say: true.

He says it again. And again.

.:. .:. .:.

When Louis wakes Harry’s wrapped tight around him. He breathes out. Louis pats at Harry’s arm, trying to wake him.

Harry mumbles in his sleep.

“Hazza,” Louis says, shaking his arm a bit.

“Mm… Okay?”

Louis stalls a moment. “Can I suck you?”

“Yeah,” Harry says immediately. “If you want.”

Louis doesn’t bother answering out loud. He pulls himself out of Harry’s grip and slides further down the bed. Harry’s boxers are pulled out of the way easily enough and Louis lifts Harry’s cock to his mouth.

It probably shouldn’t soothe him, but he loves Harry – he trusts Harry with everything he is and it feels good to do this for him.      

“Go slow,” Harry says. “Don’t wanna come.”

Louis hums, exhaling through his nose as Harry’s dick starts to thicken. One of Harry’s hands settles on the back of his head, just resting there. He knows better than to push.

Louis settles in. He doesn’t go fast or suck hard. t’s not about getting either of them off. Louis just needs this.

.:. .:. .:.

Dr Taber lets him know he needs to start therapy soon. She’s still left it up to him, and Harry can sit in if they want. Louis isn’t really sure what he wants. Still.

“Lou,” Harry says, oddly serious with the way he’s poking Louis’ cheek.

“What,” Louis snaps, not looking at him.

“Worried about you,” Harry mumbles. “Maybe we should do therapy today. You know I’ll go with you.”

“What if I just fuck that up too?” Louis asks.

Harry’s quiet for a moment. Then another one.

“Don’t know if there’s a wrong way to do it,” he says finally.

“Probably is,” Louis says, if only to be difficult.

“Lou,” Harry says again. His voice is thick, suspiciously weepy.

“Okay,” Louis says. “Okay.”

.:. .:. .:.

Therapy isn’t with Dr Taber; it’s with a man who is obviously a sub. Louis feels better, especially when he doesn’t try to shake Louis’ hand.

“I’m Dr Arora,” he says, gesturing to two chairs across from his desk. “We can use the sofa if you two prefer.”

Louis shrugs. “Chairs are fine.”

Harry follows along behind Louis – taking his hand again as soon as they’re seated.

Dr Arora starts by talking about himself. Louis is surprised by also soothed, half tuning out as he goes on. His tone is perfectly level and Louis thinks he could almost fall asleep.

Slowly they actually start talking and it’s easier than Louis expected it to be.

They talk about Nick – but mainly what worked and didn’t work. They skirt around why it didn’t work.

It’s not until the end of the session that Louis actually has a problem.

“I’m sorry?” he says, voice going high.

Dr Arora only blinks at him.

“How often do you think about killing yourself?” he repeats.

“I don’t,” Louis says sharply. His cheeks are on fire.

Why is Dr Arora asking him this?

“I understand this is difficult to talk about Louis,” Dr. Arora continues. “However, it’s very important for me to know how serious the situation is when dealing with your medication and observation.”

“I’m not,” Louis says. “I don’t think about it. I’m not trying to kill myself.”

“Lou,” Harry interrupts. His grip on Louis’ hand is painful. “It’s alright. Just tell the truth.”

“I am,” Louis says.

Why is Harry agreeing with Dr Arora? Why are they acting like they know the inside of Louis’ brain better than him?

Louis yanks his hand away from Harry’s, gripping his armrest instead.

“Louis-” Dr Arora starts again.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Louis cuts him off. “Why do you think I’m trying to kill myself?”

“There was the overdose the first time you left Mr Grimshaw’s residence and then the incident at the beach.”

“Overdose?” Louis demands. That’s what Nick had been keeping from him. Louis takes a deep breath and lets it back out. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I didn’t take any pills. I said that when I woke up. I wasn’t on any medication. And the beach – I don’t know what happened. I wasn’t paying attention, I guess? I got too far out. I tried to get back but I was tired. I didn’t want to die. I was terrified that I would drown. I never even want to go back into the ocean.”

He’s not sure how to feel once the words are out. Do they even believe him? Do they have reason to?

“I know I’m fucked up,” Louis says. “Alright? I’m aware. But I didn’t try to kill myself. I don’t want to die.”

The office is silent.

“Well,” Dr Arora says. “I suppose you don’t have much reason to lie.”

“I don’t?”

“You’re already in the hospital,” Dr Arora says. “If you are lying, we’ll know about it pretty quickly.”

“I’m not,” Louis tells him.

“In that case, we can try stepping your medication down,” Dr Arora says. “If you’d like.”

There’s a faint swell of relief.

“I’d like that,” Louis sighs. “I think.”

“Good,” Dr Arora says. “I think we have a real chance for progression here.”

Harry takes Louis’ hand again, giving an apologetic squeeze. Louis isn’t all that sure what he’s apologizing for, but he squeezes back anyway.

 

“Did you mean it?” Harry asks in the hallway. They’re still holding hands and inanely Louis never wants to let go.

“Yes,” Louis answers. “I wouldn’t leave you. Not like that.”

Harry nods, wiping away his tears quickly. “Good. That’s good.”

“I’m not leaving you,” Louis says. He can only hope that how much he means it comes through. “I’m not leaving you.”

Harry pulls him into a hug, kissing the side of his head hard enough to hurt.

“I’m not leaving you either,” he promises.

Louis swallows roughly, drawing back.

“But, when I’m better,” he hesitates, “you could go back to Nick.”

Harry looks pained but only for a second.

“No,” he says, very seriously. “We’re staying together.”

It’s the same feeling again. A gnarled up bundle of relief and regret. Louis feels stupid wanting for more. He wants more for both of them though, and he’s not really sure what that means.

.:. .:. .:.

Harry barely brings anything with him and Louis wonders if it was easier to leave it behind.

Still – he finds a picture of Harry and Nick tucked between the mattress and the railing of his bed. Something in him softens to see it. He aches; of course he aches. But he also feels good in an abstract way.

Harry and Nick were great together. He can see it in the utter peace that drapes across Harry’s features. Even in the way that Nick is cupping a hand just behind Harry’s knee.

The picture is completely innocent, in fact, Louis is the one who took it. Maybe that’s why it makes him cry.

When Harry returns to their room, Louis’ eyes are red and itchy. His cheeks are dry but the picture is still in his hand anyway.

“Lou,” Harry gasps, crossing to him quickly. “What is it?”

Louis shrugs, offering the picture after another moment.

“Oh,” Harry says lamely. He doesn’t offer anything else, lips pursed.

“I took him away from you,” Louis exhales.

“You didn’t,” Harry denies.

“Took you away from him,” Louis amends. “Either way.”

“I chose to leave,” Harry says. He gathers Louis’ free hand and presses two kisses to the back of it. “I love you, Lou.”

“But he’s your Dom,” Louis says. “And you love him too.”

Harry doesn’t deny it. “I do love him, but I loved you first. I love you best.”

Louis’ heart feels impossibly full at that.

“You can’t,” he says. “We’re both Subs. You need him.”

“I need you,” Harry tells him.

“ _I_ need _you_ ,” Louis says. They’re the same words but they’re so different coming out of his mouth.

“Lou-”

“They were right,” Louis says, cutting him off. “I’m dead weight. Holding you back.”

“I’ll say it as much as you need to hear it,” Harry says. “I love you. _I_ need you. And I never want to be away from you again.”

“But Nick-”

“Isn’t here,” Harry finishes for him. “I love him but if he had just asked you what happened neither of us would be here right now.”

“It’s not his fault.”

“It isn’t yours either,” Harry hums. He presses another kiss to Louis’ hand. “I know he thought he was doing what was best, but he was wrong.”

Louis doesn’t bother arguing again. He doesn’t want to.

.:. .:. .:.

Louis thinks about Nick a lot. He thinks about all three of them; the second night Nick had them, Harry and Louis had attempted dinner.

Of course, they were both nervous wrecks and Louis couldn’t stand seeing Harry like that. Naturally, a food fight had ensued. And Nick had come home right in the middle.

Harry had simply said ‘oops’ and dropped the handful of mashed potatoes on the floor. He’d laughed then, dimples on display and Louis had literally watched as Nick melted.

Nick had taken Harry by the hand and led him upstairs for a bath. Louis wasn’t sure if Nick had meant to exclude him.

He had though.

There hadn’t seem to be any option other than cleaning up by himself. Louis had been mostly done by the time Nick had returned, shirt mostly unbuttoned and hair damp.

“Hey,” he’d said, stopping at the edge of the kitchen.

“Hi,” Louis had returned.

“Looks much better in here,” Nick had said.

Louis swallowed at that. Was that a compliment or a rebuke?

“Don’t know,” Louis had said, heart rabbiting in his chest. “Thought it kinda livened the place up a bit.”

“Right.”

Not thrilled then. Louis had ducked his chin and breathed out. An apology had been sitting on his tongue but he didn’t want to let it out. What if Nick would decide he needed to be punished once he admitted fault?

Had Nick punished Harry?

Louis had shook away the thought. No – he only looked angry now.

“You’re still a mess,” Nick had added.

Still a mess like he wasn’t ever not a mess? Louis didn’t know how to react around Nick. He really didn’t think Nick even liked him.

“Come here,” Nick had said, crossing to the sink and running water over a washcloth.

Louis had hesitated but obeyed. Nick had started washing his arms but he had slowly moved up Louis’ neck as well. Louis hadn’t been able to maintain eye contact, keeping his eyes on his toes.

Nick had guided his chin up, wiping off his cheek too.

“Better,” he had said.

Louis had nearly shivered at his tone, his spine tingling. Before Louis had fully realized it, Nick had been kissing him.

He had slammed his eyes closed and tried to keep breathing. One of Nick’s hands had settled on Louis’ hip and Louis couldn’t –  
  
He couldn’t.

Louis had jerked away, banging his hip on the counter as he had covered his mouth and dragged in a breath.

The room had been painfully quiet and Louis had been able to feel his heartbeat in his skull.

“Make sure you shower before you go to sleep,” Nick had said. “There’s still food in your hair.”

“We didn’t eat,” Louis had protested after a moment.

Nick had ignored him.

Louis had done as he was told, not quite surprised to find their bedroom empty when he got to it.

 

Then, of course, there had been the brief time where Harry had suggested they all sleep together.

But that had only lasted as long as Nick had been willing to be woken an hour earlier.

Louis had started sleeping in the guest room again, sneaking around in the morning to get Nick’s clothes ready and figure something out for breakfast.

He can’t remember Nick ever thanking him. Thinking back, surely Nick had.  
  
At some point.  
  
But Louis can’t remember it.

.:. .:. .:.

Louis starts having a couple of therapy sessions without Harry there. He’s not sure what Harry does while he’s in therapy but he also feels too bad to ask about it.

Unfortunately, it’s a necessary evil.

Harry can’t be with him all the time. There’s things Louis can’t say in front of him. Like the way that he felt when trying to make Nick like him. Sure, Harry knows it wasn’t going well. But it’s quite another thing to hear about it in explicit terms from Louis.

Dr Arora is very understanding.

He doesn’t directly blame either Louis or Nick for their failures. Instead, he suggests that it was probably a clash of personalities with a severe lack of communication. But then Louis felt it wasn’t really Louis’ place to speak up. And Nick couldn’t have known that Louis’ bite was his defence system.

Or that Louis needed a defence system at all.

Louis hasn’t come to terms with it exactly… But it’s also nice to blame himself less than he has been.

Things are going pretty well. Well enough for Louis to start worrying about what’s going to happen next. Of course, there are halfway houses and rehab facilities and the like. They could find one of those for a while.

But it’s not a long term solution.

Louis won’t be able to support both of them. He has enough doubts about whether or not he can support himself. And making Harry work – as an unclaimed sub... Louis feels sick just thinking about anyone glancing at Harry for a single moment and pitying him.

It’s not an option.

He doesn’t know what he’s going to do. Harry won’t go back to Nick without him, and Louis is mostly sure Nick doesn’t want him back.

Maybe…

But he can’t pin his hopes on that.

It’s not like they’ll be able to find a Dom from here.  
Their selling points are few and far between.  
Sub pairs are hard enough to get taken in.  
By normal Doms who don’t want the pat to their ego at least.

Louis is right back to where he was before Nick ever came along – holding Harry back.

.:. .:. .:.

Harry’s napping fitfully on his chest and Louis is still debating waking him when there’s a knock on the doorframe.

Harry snorts awake and Louis waits for him to struggle into a mostly sitting position before pulling himself up.

“Yes?”

“Hello, Louis,” Ms Klosse says, heels clicking as she steps in. Her plum lips curve in a smile. “And Harry, I presume.”

Harry adjusts his hair.

Louis looks back to Ms Klosse.

“May I sit?” she asks, gesturing to the chair.

“Yes,” Louis says, “of course.”

“Still so polite,” she laughs. “Very nice.”

Louis can’t help but flush at the praise.

She hangs her purse on the back of the chair before settling. Her legs cross neatly and she folds her hands across her thighs.

“I hope you don’t mind that I’ve spoken to your doctor,” she says, one eyebrow arched. “Nick wanted me to consult on your treatment as well.”

Several emotions shoot through Louis at once. He tries to push away the thoughts of Nick.

“It’s alright,” he says.

“Dr Arora tells me that I misdiagnosed you.”

Louis shrugs. “To be fair, I don’t think you were the first.”

Ms Klosse hums at that.

“Most likely not,” she says. “But I did want to speak with you – well, both of you really.”

Louis is a bit lost at this point. He was thinking this was a check-in or an apology, but now it’s seeming less so.

“I’ve had several sessions with Nick since you’ve left him,” she said next, confusing Louis further.

“Oh,” Louis says when she looks to him expectantly. “Um, okay.”

“He sent you away because he was worried,” Ms Klosse says. “And I understood his worry. I even encouraged him. But speaking with Dr Arora and taking what I know of Nick – I think it could be time for you to return.” She pauses very purposefully. “The both of you.”

Louis looks to Harry and Harry looks back. Eventually they look back at Ms Klosse.

“What?”

“If you want to,” Ms Klosse adds.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” Harry says.

Louis is completely sidetracked by it, chest tightening.

“Did Nick say something?”

“No,” Harry says, kissing the back of Louis’ hand. “I just don’t want you to get hurt again.”

“It’s a little impossible not to get hurt though,” Louis says.

“Still,” Harry says, stubborn as ever.

“Nick was good for us,” Louis says carefully.

“And you two were good for him as well,” Ms Klosse adds. “He hasn’t been doing as well since the two of you are no longer under his care.”

Louis won’t lie. Not to himself. Alright, not this time.

Nick still terrifies him. There’s every chance that this will still end terribly. But… It’s not as if they have many options. Where else will they go?

Even if things still can’t work out between Nick and Louis – well, Louis can separate himself. He can make sure that things are alright between Harry and Nick.

He can do that.

If nothing else this will get Harry back to Nick’s. Louis is willing to take the risk.

It’s still quiet in the room, Ms Klosse seems content to wait.

“If Dr Arora thinks it would be alright.” Louis’ heart is pounding so hard.

“We both think it could be a good step forward,” Ms Klosse says. “With continued therapy, of course. I’ve already recommended several doctors in the area.”

“I can’t continue with Dr Arora?”

Ms Klosse smiles at that.

“No, dear, doctors in Manchester.”

_Oh,_ Louis thinks.

.:. .:. .:.

The plane ride is quite terrible. It’s a tiny little thing that Louis thinks is hardly fit to sit in, let alone cart them hundreds of miles east.

Still, Ms Klosse is escorting them and it helps.

Louis is putting on a brave face for Harry but he thinks Harry sees through him anyway.

Louis isn’t the strong one here. He’s the weak link. And that’s okay.

It’s okay to need help. It’s okay to be fragile.

Louis thinks it’s something – that he can admit he’s letting Harry help him. He couldn’t really do that before.

They go to a building Louis has never seen before and he might cling to Harry a bit harder the longer he stares up at it. It’s impossible to see the top and Louis doesn’t even try to start counting floors.

“He… Moved?” he questions finally.

“Yes,” Ms Klosse says. “Closer to work.”

Louis nods, keeping the rest of his thoughts to himself. It has been nearly three months since he’s seen Nick. Not like they could’ve expected Nick to wait for them.

But Louis reminds himself what Ms Klosse has told him. Nick only sent him away for his own good. He’ll be happy to have him back. Even if all of this blows up in Louis’ face, he won’t be much worse off than he was before.

He just has to keep telling himself that.

Inside the building they go straight for the lifts. Louis watches his feet, letting Harry guide him.

He can’t bear to look up, just in case anyone is watching them.

Once the doors slide closed Louis risks a glance around. They’re the only three in the lift and Louis exhales. Harry gives his hand a squeeze. Louis squeezes back immediately.

_Okay_.

He isn’t – but he’ll pretend for Harry.

The lift is gleaming silver and has what looks like polished black marble on the walls.

Louis nibbles on his lip as he takes it in. It doesn’t seem like Nick. Not for the first time he worries about Nick directly, not just how they’ll be received. He tightens his hold on Harry’s hand, closing his eyes briefly again.

The lift stops on the 32nd floor and they follow Ms Klosse out obediently. She opens the fourth door on the right and gestures them inside.

The inside of the flat is much like the lift and hallway: very modern, very cold.

Louis shivers involuntarily.

“Now,” Ms Klosse says, voice sharp. “Nick won’t be home for hours. By the time he arrives, I want you knelt here, Harry,” she points just to the right of the door they just came in.

“Yes Ma’am,” Harry says.

“And you,” she says to Louis. “Follow me.”

She leads him to the bedroom.

“I want you here,” she tells him, guiding him to the foot of the bed with a hand on his shoulder.

“Why are you hiding me?” Louis asks, the pit of his stomach trembling.

“Because you’re a surprise, love,” she tells him.        

“Okay,” Louis agrees.

“I promise you, this will work out for the best.”

It would be better coming from Nick but Louis will take what he can get.

“He won’t be home any earlier than eight,” she says, dropping her hand and turning away. “Order dinner for yourselves and clean this place up while you’re at it.”

Louis sags in relief. The task is a welcome distraction and he still wants to prove himself useful to Nick.

“Louis,” Ms Klosse adds, lingering in the doorway. “Both of you are to clean, understood?”

“Yes Ma’am.”

“And take pillows from the couch for your knees.”

Louis nods at this too, focusing on her orders and forcing himself to keep breathing evenly.

.:. .:. .:.

It doesn’t take too long to clean up the place – for one, it’s small. Two, Nick obviously has a maid come in because there isn’t anything other than untidiness.

Louis and Harry might get a bit caught up putting the wash in though.

“I missed him,” Harry explains, still hugging one of Nick’s shirts to his chest.

Louis nods at this. He grabs another shirt from the hamper, lifting it to his nose. The smell of Nick’s cologne is weak but it still makes Louis sag a bit.

“I missed him too,” he says.

“We should eat dinner,” Harry says. “And wash up before he gets here.”

Louis smiles at him, stepping closer to the washer and dropping the shirt in.

“Right,” he says. “We should do that.”

Harry finishes filling the machine and closes the lid before pressing the button.

“Alright,” Louis says, taking Harry’s hand. “Let’s go.”

They eat dinner quickly, both too nervous to really eat.

“Shower,” Harry says, smiling down at him. “C’mon.”

.:. .:. .:.

They kiss in the shower lazily, taking comfort in the press of their mouths.

“You scared?” Harry asks him. “I’m scared. A bit.”

Louis reaches to shut off the water.

“Yeah,” he says, “I’m scared.”

“I hope he missed us too,” Harry says.

“Ms Klosse said he did,” Louis reminds him. He tickles Harry’s ribs with one hand, drying him with the other. Harry laughs and slaps at his arm.

They dress quietly, carrying the clothes they came in back to the laundry room.

Louis feels like he’s fraying.

“We should get ready,” Harry reminds him.

“I know.” Louis bites down on the rest, not wanting to admit his fears out loud.

“Give us a kiss,” Harry says. It’s much like the kisses they shared in the shower: slow, comforting. No purpose to it other than Harry giving him what he needs.

They split at the doorway of Nick’s bedroom. Harry walks back towards the front door and Louis watches him go.

He takes several calming breaths before walking back into Nick’s bedroom and kneeling down on the pillow he’d placed earlier. Louis rolls his shoulders back, clasping his hands loosely. He has the easier position here – he’ll have plenty of warning before Nick sees him. Harry’s the one that has to stay still.

Still, Louis feels good kneeling here.

It feels like he’s working towards something. It feels like he’s worth something.

.:. .:. .:.

Nearly two hours pass before Louis hears the door open.

“What,” he hears Nick say. Then his tone changes sharply as he demands, “ _Harry_?”

The door slams closed and Louis can hear Harry let out a muffled sob. He imagines Nick has pulled him up and is hugging him as tightly as he can.

“What are you doing here?” Nick asks. “Is Louis-” He cuts off and Louis’ heart lurches.

“He’s alright,” Harry says, voice thick with tears. “I promise.”

“God, I missed you,” Nick says next. “I missed you.”

Louis lets out a pained breath, eyes burning.

“Can we,” Harry stutters out. “Can we go to bed?”

Nick laughs at that. “Yes. Whatever you want.”

A tear slips down Louis’ cheek and then another. His entire chest aches with a pain he can’t put a name to. He’s terrified and happy and hopeful and jealous and – so many other things.

The moment Louis sees Nick he’s moving. He’s staggering to his feet and launching himself forward. And he’s not supposed to be. He knows he’s not. He’s to kneel until Nick tells him otherwise. But Louis sees him – and he can’t wait a single moment longer.

“Louis.” Nick says it like he’s been punched in the gut.

Louis wraps his arms around Nick’s back, tucking his face into Nick’s throat.

“Louis,” Nick repeats. “Are you alright? Are you – you’re okay?”

“Yeah,” Louis says. “I’m good.” He breathes in and out.

“Don’t let go,” he adds.

“No,” Nick says. He grips the back of Louis’ neck, squeezing.

Louis wants to look at Harry. He wants to make sure Harry’s okay. Most of him just wants to stay right where he is though.

They make their way to the bed eventually, both Louis and Harry helping Nick out of most of his suit.

“You’re both… Okay?” Nick asks hesitantly.

Louis peeks over Nick to look at Harry. All he sees is curls and dimples.

“Yeah,” Louis says. He wants to tell Nick everything – but not right now. For now all he wants is to lie here like this and be with the two men he loves.

.:. .:. .:.

When Louis wakes up, there’s a hand moving through his hair.

“Y’okay?” he mumbles, shifting his legs.

The hand pauses and resumes.

“Just fine, Love,” Nick tells him.

A little bubble of adrenaline pops somewhere in Louis’ chest and he blinks awake.

“Nick,” he says.

“How are you?” Nick asks him.

“I’m good,” Louis says. “Promise.”

Nick stretches a bit, wiping off his cheeks and looking to Louis again.

“Are you crying?” Louis asks, alarmed.

“No,” Nick huffs. He smiles crookedly barely a second later. He leans closer and kisses Louis’ forehead before stroking his fingers across Louis’ scalp again.

“Nick,” Louis says, before hesitating.

Nick hums.

“I need to tell you something.”

He can feel Nick tense at that.

“Okay,” Nick says after a moment.

Louis nearly smiles. He’s far too nervous though.

“I wasn’t trying to kill myself,” he says carefully. “I’m not suicidal. You don’t have to worry about that. And you didn’t push me over the edge or whatever.”

Nick is quiet for an unbearably long time.

“Promise?” Nick finally asks.

“Yeah,” Louis nods.

He offers up his pinky. Nick laughs quickly. He hooks his pinky around Louis’ and gives his hand a shake.

“Pinky promises are very important,” Louis whispers.

“Yes,” Nick agrees. They watch each other for a few more moments, Louis swallowing around a yawn.

“Get some sleep,” Nick says.

“You too.”

Nick opens his mouth to respond, but his stomach growling cuts him off.

“Did you eat dinner?” Louis demands. He already knows the answer.

Nick sighs, shaking his head.

“Terrible,” Louis declares. “Absolutely horrible.”

“I was a bit distracted,” Nick says.

“Well, let’s order food. Wake up Harry.”

“Yes, sir,” Nick laughs at him.

“What?” Louis questions. “I’m not having him wake up when the food is already here and pouting because we didn’t get him anything. Now, do you want pizza or Chinese?” He’s already climbing out of bed, wondering if Nick kept their old menus.

Harry’s grumbling sleepily as Louis rounds the foot of the bed and he pauses, glancing back.

He nearly coos at the picture his boys make. They’re adorable. Honestly. He smiles to himself, heading to the kitchen to find some menus.

By the time Harry comes out, rubbing at one of his eyes, Louis has found a rather pathetic stack of menus. There’s three. And a half.

A literal half.

Louis crosses his arms, tapping his foot as they wait on Nick.

“What,” Nick asks. His hand pauses in his hair as he glances between them.

“Explain yourself, Nicholas,” Louis says, gesturing to the menus.

“Um,” Nick says. “The old places don’t deliver here?”

“Have you even been eating? Regularly?” Louis specifies. “Don’t lie to me.”

Nick smirks before biting down on it.

“No,” he admits. “Not really.” He stops just short of the counter, grimacing at the menus. “Didn’t have anyone to remind me, did I?”

“You wouldn’t last long in the wild,” Louis tells him.

Nick laughs at him, stepping close enough to kiss Louis on the forehead.  
Louis shoots tense in surprise, relaxing quickly as Nick’s hand settles on his hip.

“Well,” Louis says, clearing his throat. “You’ll have to tell us which place we should order from.”

Nick shrugs at this. “Can’t really remember if any of them are good actually.”

“Absolutely worthless,” Louis laughs, risking a kiss to the corner of Nick’s mouth.

“I want pizza,” Harry says, entirely unbothered by the bickering going on around him.

“Good,” Nick says. “That’s easy enough. I’ll order in just a tick.” He leans against the counter, pulling Louis against him. “Missed you.”

He kisses Louis sweetly, just enough pressure to make Louis’ cheeks warm up. After moments that feel deliciously long, Nick eases back.

Louis blinks up at him twice. For the first time he thinks that maybe he doesn’t have to worry about telling Nick he loves him – it’s got to be written all over his face.

“Why don’t you two go put on a movie,” Nick says. “I’ll order.”

“I want Hawaiian,” Louis says, taking hold of Harry’s hand.

“Pepperoni,” Harry chimes in, twining their fingers.

“Heathens,” Nick sighs.

.:. .:. .:.

Nick can trash-talk them all he wants but he orders exactly what they ask for and the three of them eat far too much while half paying attention to whatever movie is playing.

Nick groans, one hand splayed over his stomach. The other is running behind Harry’s shoulders along the back of the couch.

“I’m going to gain so much weight,” he grunts.

“You need to,” Louis says, glancing at him.

Nick makes a face. Louis tucks his grin into Harry’s shoulder.

“Alright then, loves,” Nick says. “Are we going back to bed?”

Harry nods, nuzzling into Nick’s chest. Louis has to laugh, easing Harry’s hair aside and kissing the back of his neck.

“C’mon, bed’s this way.”

It’s a good night.

.:. .:. .:.

Nick is up far too early.  
  
Louis knows he should get up and help but he’s tired. And Harry is a warm koala around him. He honestly has no desire to leave bed.

Nick leans over Louis to kiss the side of Harry’s face.

“Alright, Lou.” Nick says. He pulls back and holds up two ties. “Which one?”

Louis’ heart melts. A fraction.

“This one,” he says, reaching out toward the green tie.

Nick smiles.

“Good,” he says. Then he leans forward to kiss Louis too. “I want you both to take it easy today, yes?”

Louis nods.

“Maybe research some therapists,” Nick adds. “But only if you feel up to it. And Harry can help.”

“He has good instincts,” Louis smiles.

“Mm,” Nick agrees. “He picked you.”

Louis’ heart might melt at that too. He curls around Harry and Louis can’t even find it in him to care that Harry’s wearing his collar again.

He’s too happy just now.

.:. .:. .:.

It’s the day after that Nick shakes Louis awake early and gestures for him to follow.

“Here,” Nick says, guiding him to the table where a cup of tea is already waiting.

“Is everything alright?” Louis questions, worry tugging at his stomach.

“Yes,” Nick says, gathering his cup off the counter and leaning against it. “I just wanted to let you know that I had an investigator look into the rehab facility you stayed at.”

Louis frowns and takes a sip to cover it. He doesn’t really want to think about that.

“There’s a nurse there,” Nick lets out. “They found out she’s been hurting subs when they’re close to getting released. Setting them back.” He grimaces. “They think she drugged you too.”

Louis is gobsmacked. As much as he wants to say something, anything – he can’t make his lips work.

Nick sets his mug down with a _clink_ of sound and crosses to him.

“Are you alright?” he asks, laying a hand on Louis’ shoulder.

Louis nods slowly.  
  
“You believed me,” he whispers.

“Not at first,” Nick sighs. “I thought that you didn’t remember and then that you didn’t want to admit it. When you told me you didn’t try to kill yourself – yes.”

Louis has to shrug Nick’s hand off him in order to stand, hugging Nick.  
  
“You believed me,” he repeats. “Thank you.”

“I’m sorry she hurt you,” Nick says.

“It worked out,” Louis reassures him. “As long as she can’t do it again.”

“She can’t,” Nick tells him.

Nick is only a bit late leaving and Louis goes back to bed. They can talk it over with Harry later, now that Nick knows Louis is okay.

Louis has to admit, it’s sort of nice being a priority.

.:. .:. .:.

It’s been a great couple of weeks.

Nick has even cut back his hours at work and it’s more than Louis could have hoped for – all of them being together again. But the same problem still exists. He and Nick still haven’t done anything beyond kissing and cuddling since last time. Nick and Harry have tried to be discreet and Louis appreciates it – he does. And he can’t begrudge them for their time together.

But he also can’t help the ugly flare of jealousy in his gut.

Part of Louis still worries that Nick thinks he pushed him too far last time. He hadn’t. At the same time though, Louis doesn’t want to do this before either of them is ready. There’s still the fear that he’ll have to stop.

It almost feels like it has to happen. He can’t actually have a sex life without thinking about the past. Louis is terrified of going back to that place. Can he really keep going like this though?

Louis wakes up thinking about it.

Nick is already climbing out of bed, patting Harry’s leg once he’s silenced the alarm.

“You showering?” Louis asks.

Nick sighs. “Should, yeah.”

Louis slips out of bed before Harry can grab hold of him.

Nick raises an eyebrow. “Joining me?”

Louis exhales.

“Yeah,” he says.

Nick doesn’t say anything to that, shrugging as he heads for the bathroom. Panic is fluttering in Louis’ chest and he tries his best to push it down. He doesn’t have to do anything – he hasn’t even offered yet.

And he wants to.  
  
He’s offering because he wants to. He wants to stop being afraid. And he wants to have this with Nick.

Nick is already in the shower, so Louis follows him in. He touches a hand to Nick’s shoulder gently, letting him know where he is.

Nick turns, offering a smile before gesturing to the shampoo. Louis can’t help a smile in return, stepping under the spray and letting Nick massage shampoo into his hair. He leans against Nick as they rinse off together.

Louis heart is like thunder in his chest and he doesn’t even know if he should try to calm himself down. He trusts Nick.  
  
Doesn’t he?

Louis inhales slow and lets it out in a sharp burst. He can try. Nick probably won’t be mad at him if something goes wrong. He’s good.

Louis steps away, pulling Nick around with a hand on his elbow. He really doesn’t want to worry about water falling in his face while he’s trying to do this.

Nick’s watching him, mild confusion obvious on his face. Louis should probably ask but he doesn’t really want to. He wants to do this like they’re normal. Like he’s normal.

He braces a hand on the wall and slowly kneels down. Nick doesn’t say anything, spreading his feet slightly. Louis shifts, moving his hand to Nick’s hip instead. The water is still cascading over Nick, his skin warm and slick. Louis guides Nick’s cock up, placing a kiss on the head.

Nick’s stomach jumps in response – he says something that Louis can’t hear over the noise of the shower. Louis still moves cautiously; he sucks the head past his lips and drops his free hand to wrap around the back of Nick’s knee.

If this thing goes sideways he’ll just yank, Nick will go down, and Louis will have a chance to get out of here. He has a plan. He’s fine.

Louis sucks in more of Nick, freezing when Nick’s hand drops to his head.

It’s not that he can’t – he’d just prefer to go at his own pace. Luckily Nick gets it, lifting his hand away quickly. Louis hums in appreciation, sucking harder before easing back. Nick’s fully hard now and Louis has to take a moment just to acknowledge that this is actually happening.  
  
He’s got Nick’s cock in his mouth.

Louis hums again, taking nearly half of Nick in. He hasn’t done this with the purpose of getting someone off in a long time. Harry had never asked for it and Louis never really enjoyed it while he was ‘training.’ Then again, he didn’t enjoy much of training.

He sinks further down – to see if he can. His jaw protests at the stretch and it’s definitely uncomfortable in the back of his throat.

Louis closes his eyes and exhales. He can do this; he knows he can.

Nick groans when Louis pushes the rest of the way down. It’s loud enough to be heard over the spray of the shower. Loud enough to echo in Louis’ ears. Louis has to pull back, swallowing twice quickly before focusing on sucking on the head again.

“Louis, Christ,” Nick says. At least, that’s what Louis thinks he says.

Louis wonders what gets Nick off. He wishes he’d thought to ask Harry before this. Then again, he’s pretty good at figuring out how to get people off.

Louis sinks down again, sucking harder and humming once. It’s easy enough to fall into a rhythm then. He sucks Nick down fast and hard. Louis can ignore the pain as easily as he always did. This time though, it’s not so bad. He wants to get Nick off. He’s working towards more of him instead of getting away from him.

It’s not a race this time. Louis pulls off and takes a breath.

He presses Nick’s cock flat to his stomach, tracing a vein with the tip of his tongue. Next he licks up the slit, sucking him down again. Louis breathes out the last possible second, gripping Nick’s hips with both hands.

Nick traces a finger along Louis’ cheek and Louis meets his eyes as he sucks hard enough to hollow his cheeks. Nick almost looks pained, closing his eyes as his lips open around another moan.

Louis wants too much more, impossibly more. He’s greedy for it. Desperate under his skin.

_This_ is what he wants.

Louis sinks all the way down again, holding his breath as his throat constricts.

“Louis,” Nick groans. “I’m gonna come, love.”

Louis hums around him. He tries to stretch his lips even further, as if he could possibly take more of Nick in.

“Lou-,” Nick manages. He shudders beneath Louis’ hold.

After that he’s coming, pulsing straight down Louis’ throat and making him pull back as he starts choking. Louis has to spit quickly, licking his lips clean and ducking forward to clean Nick up too.

Nick groans, curling forward a bit.

Louis stands slowly, letting the water finish the job.

Nick reaches behind himself to fumble with the knob, holding onto Louis with the other hand.

“Louis,” he exhales slowly. “That was unbelievable.”

Louis flushes and looks down, preening internally.

“Alright?” Nick asks, guiding his chin back up.

“Yeah,” Louis says, clearing his throat.

Nick sways just a bit closer, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth.

“Lou,” he adds. “You’re hard.”

Louis nods in agreement. He hadn’t really planned on doing anything about it.

“Can I?”

Louis flushes with embarrassment, remembering how long it had taken last time.

“I-I don’t think you have time,” he pushes out. Embarrassment sits heavy on his shoulders and he closes his eyes to breathe.

Nick draws him closer gently.

“I have time,” he says. “If you want.”

“I don’t know,” Louis says. Maybe that’s the worst part – that he really doesn’t.

“Alright,” Nick says. He opens the shower door, guiding Louis out with a hand to the small of his back.

“Hungry?” he asks next, grabbing a towel and rubbing it down Louis’ face quickly before moving down to his chest.

“Maybe,” Louis says, laughing as Nick pinches his side. Nick hands the towel off to him and grabs one for himself.

“Let’s see what we can find before Harry wakes up,” Nick says, winking. He doesn’t bother with any clothes, wrapping his towel around his waist and heading for the kitchen.

Feeling brave and a bit reckless, Louis does the same.

.:. .:. .:.

They make a simple breakfast of toast and fruit, exchanging kisses from where Louis sits on the counter.

“You’re gonna be late,” Louis tells him, cheeks flushed with embarrassment and more than a bit of love.

“I’ll take the day off,” Nick tells him.

Louis’ stomach curls with pleasure. “Yeah?”

“Mmhm,” Nick tells him. “What do you want to do?”

“Don’t know,” Louis says. He doesn’t feel like making any decisions at all.

“Well,” Nick says, drawing the word out and dropping a kiss to the tip of Louis’ nose. “I was thinking we could look into… Getting a dog.”

Louis feels his mouth drop open in surprise. “Really?”

“I think it could be good for us,” Nick says. “My therapist agrees.”

Louis meets his eyes again sharply, dragging his gaze away from Nick’s chest hair.

“You’re seeing a therapist?”

Nick nods, glancing down and stepping away. “I still feel a lot of guilt for what I did to you Louis. I need some help dealing with it,” he says quietly.

The words are like – Louis can’t think what they’re like. But each one breaks across his skin like something fragile. Something he should have protected. And it hurts. He drops of the counter and wraps his arms around Nick, resting his cheek on Nick’s shoulder blade.

“I told you,” he says. “I wasn’t trying to kill myself-”  
  
“I know,” Nick cuts him off. “But I hurt you. I neglected you, Louis. And there’s no excuse for it.”  
“We didn’t understand each other,” Louis reminds him. “It’s just as much my fault as it is yours.”  
“I’m your Dom,” Nick says. “It’s my job to keep you safe.”  
  
“I’m not a baby,” Louis says. “It’s my job to take care of you, too.”

Nick turns, careful not to knock Louis’ arms away.

“You feel bad for hurting me?” he asks gently.

Louis nods. “Yeah.”

Nick touches his jaw gently. “Me too.”

Something settles firmly in Louis’ chest then; he realizes they care for each other. It’s overwhelming. Louis doesn’t know what to _do_ with it. Embarrassingly enough, he feels tears well in his eyes.

“’M gonna get dressed,” he mumbles, pushing out of Nick’s hold.

“Lou,” Nick calls after him.

Louis can’t stop though. He hates feeling like this. Splintering apart like he’s worth nothing more than this pain. He needs to be alone in a small room where he knows he’ll be safe. The bedroom is no good, surely Harry will wake up if he hears him crying. But the bathroom is also no good – Nick still needs to get ready.

Louis picks out an outfit for Nick quickly, laying it on the bed as colours start to blur in his vision. Then – only feeling a little ridiculous – he ducks into the closet and pulls the door shut behind him.

It’s not long before the door opens again.

Louis is pressed into a corner, only partly covered by Nick’s hanging suits. He covers his face with both hands.

“No,” he says. “Go away.”

It doesn’t matter who he’s speaking to, he’d rather do this alone.

There’s a scrape of hangers along the rod and fabric swishes away from Louis. He might peek out very quickly.

“Can’t do that, love,” Nick says, settling down next to him. “I need to be holding you quite a lot.”

Louis sniffles and peeks at him again. “Yeah?”

“If it’s alright with you,” Nick says.

He’s still only wearing a towel and his hair is flopped down in his face. He looks utterly ridiculous. Louis might just love him.

“Okay,” he says. “Hold on.”

Louis crawls out of the closet and hurries to put on some pants and a t-shirt. Luckily, Harry’s still asleep. Louis wipes off his cheeks futilely and heads back for the closet, closing the door behind him. It takes a few moments to find Nick again and settle against him.

Nick holds him, lose enough that Louis could easily break away.

“Alright?” Nick asks him.

“Sometimes I forget people like – care,” Louis admits. His breath rushes out after, something like panic fluttering to life. “It’s a lot.” His voice wobbles over the words and fresh tears spill out.

“I care about you so much,” he cries, glad for the dark. “I don’t want to fuck it up.”

“No,” Nick soothes. “You won’t.”

He rubs a hand up and down Louis’ back. Louis cries a while longer, hating how weird this is. How weird he feels.

Nick doesn’t say anything about how long it takes and Louis tries not to wonder if he’s losing his patience. It’s hard though, believing that he actually deserves people’s time and attention. He misses his mum and sisters fiercely. Most of all, he misses the way that he used to be with them. Part of him wonders what would have happened if he had met Nick without ever going to that horrible agency.

Maybe it’s a waste of time but it’s almost nice to imagine that they could work without Harry there. They can’t – obviously. Still, Louis likes the fantasy.

He takes a deep breath after a few minutes of calm, sitting up.

“Thank you,” he says, trying to rub away the crusty feeling in his eyes.

“Of course,” Nick says. “How about you have a bit of a lie in while I get Harry some breakfast?”

Louis nods. “That sounds really good, yeah.”

.:. .:. .:.

Whatever tension might have lingered between them, Harry eases.

As soon as Nick utters the word ‘dog’ Harry lights up like a firework. At least, Louis assumes he did. He’s just judging by the way Harry launches himself on top of Louis. The whole bed bounces under the attack and Louis can’t help but laugh because Harry is just saying: “We’re getting a _dog_!” over and over again.

“Harry, let him rest,” Nick says from the doorway. There’s a disapproving tilt to his mouth and Louis is torn between feeling bad for Harry’s pout and feeling warmth at Nick’s attention on him.

“Sorry Lou,” Harry says, pressing a kiss to his cheek before climbing off him.

“It’s alright,” Louis tells him. “Exciting times.”

“Finish your breakfast, please,” Nick tells Harry. Harry stops to squeeze Nick excitedly, disappearing down the hall.

“Feeling alright?” Nick asks. “I didn’t tell him we’d go today.”

“I’m good,” Louis says. “I’d like to go today.”

Nick smiles.

“Alright,” he says. “But we’re only getting one dog, so you two have to agree.”

Louis might roll his eyes. “I’m sure we can manage.”

.:. .:. .:.

The thing is, Louis doesn’t really care what dog they end up with.

He’s excited at the prospect, sure. It’s pretty much impossible to fuck up a dog, so long as you’re not an asshole. And none of them are, so he figures it will be okay. Plus, it will give him and Harry something to occupy their time with while Nick is working. Seems like a good idea all around.

Nick takes them to a big building and they go into a lift.

“They’ll bring the dogs to us,” he explains. “So we don’t get overwhelmed.”

Louis has to smile at Harry’s expression.

“Yeah,” he agrees. “Only one dog, Haz.”

“I know,” Harry says. “But we have _room_ for more than one.”

Nick only hums, neither agreeing nor disagreeing.

Harry loves every dog. No one is surprised. Not even the dogs.

Harry’s seated on the floor, equally as euphoric when the dogs come in as he is despondent when they leave again.

The fifth dog though – this one catches Louis’ attention. It’s a white and brown Bull Terrier and she, as the handler explains, is quite shy. By the way the dog is half cowering behind the handler’s legs, Louis can tell.

“Aw,” Harry says, already pouting. “It’s alright little girl.” He holds out a spindly hand for her to sniff.

The handler has to walk much closer before the dog will stretch out to sniff Harry. When Harry doesn’t move she cautiously licks him.

“Aw,” Harry repeats.

Louis steps closer to Nick before nudging his side.

“Yeah,” Nick says softly. “I like her too.”

The dog nuzzles Harry’s hand, wagging her tail cautiously and snorting twice.

“Niiiiiiiiick,” Harry whines, turning to look at them and trying to keep a hand on her back at the same time.

Nick tries to look stern. It works for about two seconds.

“Yes, love?”

“Can we get her?”

Nick looks to Louis. Louis nods.

Harry cheers, hugging the dog too quickly. She skitters away, running in a circle around all four of them.

“I love her,” Harry says.

Nick’s lips quirk but he doesn’t say anything. “Shall we call her Pig then? For all those lovely little snorts?”

“Yeah,” Harry agrees.

“I like it,” Louis says.

“Settled,” Nick says.

.:. .:. .:.

Pig rides home in a plastic carrier. She whines piteously most of the way and Louis isn’t sure if it’s because she’s stuck in the container or the motion of the car. Either way, it’s a bit nerve wracking.

Pig takes off the moment they’re home. Rather than chasing after her, Harry gives Nick a hug.

“Thank you,” he says. “I love her so much.”

Nick smiles, dipping in for a kiss. “I think she’ll be good for all of us. I’m gonna go grab a few things for her and we can all take her shopping once she’s had a bit of time to settle in.”

Harry’s eyes get very big very quickly. “Can I come? She’ll need a sweater for when it gets cold and a little doggie bed so she doesn’t have to jump up and down all the time and she’ll need toys.”

Nick looks to Louis quickly. Louis smiles and nods.

“Alright,” Nick says. “Let’s go pick out things for Pig Dog.”

“And I’ll stay with Pig,” Louis says.

“A very big responsibility,” Nick says, teasing and fond all at once.

Louis only rolls his eyes. “I’ll have her trained in no time.”

“Get her to use the toilet, yeah?”

It shocks a laugh out of Louis.

“Yeah,” he agrees. “Course.”

.:. .:. .:.

Louis lets Pig explore for a bit, not terribly concerned about her needing to mark her territory anywhere. Eventually he shoos her out of the guest bedroom and starts closing doors behind them. If he can keep her somewhat contained to the living room and kitchen, it may be a bit easier to keep track.

Louis leaves her sniffing around in the dining room, which is empty about ninety-eight per cent of the time anyway, and turns on the telly in the living room.

Eventually Pig follows him.

She snorts her way around the room before glancing at him. Louis meets her eye but doesn’t move other than that. Pig approaches cautiously and Louis is a bit tempted to laugh. She starts crawling on her belly as she gets closer, wedging herself under the couch. Louis gives up pretending he’s not watching her once her head has totally disappeared under the couch. Her toenails scrabble against the rug, trying to push herself further in. She stops with her bum still hanging out, tail wagging back and forth slowly.

Louis shrugs. If that’s what makes her happy she can stick herself under the couch and pretend she’s hidden.

.:. .:. .:.

Louis dozes on the couch for about two hours before Harry and Nick get back.

They’re each loaded down with bags, what must be a bed tucked under Nick’s arm as well.

“Sorry, Lou,” Harry says, dumping things on the loveseat. “We only went to one store but they had so much stuff and I just wanted all the things for her. Is she hiding under the couch?” He cuts off to demand.

Louis yawns and shrugs. “She was earlier. I think she thinks we don’t know where she is when she’s under there.”

“We got her treats,” Harry says. “And jumpers and toys and a bed.”

“Basically the entire dog section,” Nick jokes. “Pig, come get a treat.”

There’s a terrible scrabbling noise as she tries to turn herself around. Harry lets out an incredibly loud laugh, covering his mouth with both hands.

Pig freezes as she is, sticking out diagonally now.

“Pig,” Nick laughs. “Your bum is still out.”

“You’re not supposed to know where she is,” Louis points out idly.

“What if we just roll a treat under the couch?” Harry asks.

“Then she’ll probably never come out,” Nick laughs.

“Oh, right,” Harry agrees.

Nick hands off a bag of treats. “Why don’t you see if you and Louis can coax her out? Just don’t give her too many.”

Harry settles on the floor in front of the loveseat, working out how to open the bag of treats. Louis yawns again and forces himself off the couch.

“I’ll help you sort everything,” he tells Nick.

“Alright, thanks,” Nick says.

They gather up the bags and head for the dining room table to begin sorting.

“I already had time to bond with her anyway,” Louis says. “It’s Harry’s turn.”

“Did you bond?” Nick asks. “Looked like sleeping to me.”

“We napped together, Nicholas. A very important part of any relationship.”

Nick doesn’t say anything to that, smiling softly.

“Did you actually buy the entire section?” Louis has to laugh.

“Very nearly.”

“Pretty sure Harry’s sister had a dog when they were kids, he probably misses her.”

“The dog?”

Louis pauses, unsure exactly what he should say. Eventually he shrugs one shoulder.

“Yeah. But probably his sister too.”

“Did something happen?”

“What? No. At least, I don’t think so. He hasn’t spoken to her since,” Louis pauses again. He can’t remember the protocol for this. Not that they can punish him now. Still, it’s enough to make him tense up. “Not since I met him.”

Nick isn’t looking at him but from what Louis can see of his face, he appears to be frowning.

“Lou, when’s the last time you spoke to your sisters?”

Louis swallows against the sudden dryness in his throat. He blinks a few times. His eyes feel too dry, that’s all.

“I left home when I was seventeen,” he says quietly.

“Not since then?” Nick demands tightly.

“It’s not encouraged.”

“Why on earth not?”

“To help the submissive seamlessly transition into their new life with their Dominant,” Louis says, nearly by rote.

Nick goes quiet.

Louis inhales and exhales carefully. “Nick,” he says.

Nick looks up slowly, blinking once. “Yes?”

“You’re scaring me,” Louis tells him.

“I’m sorry,” Nick says immediately. His shoulders soften and he releases his grip on a bag, plastic crinkling as it expands. “I’m not angry with you, love. Thank you for telling me.”

He steps closer to Louis, hugging him quickly. Louis barely has time to relax into the hold before he’s being released again.

“I forgot a few things at the store,” Nick adds. “I’ll be right back.”

“Um,” Louis manages. “Alright.”

“Have Harry help you, yeah?”

“Alright,” Louis says again.

Nick jingles his keys quickly and then he’s leaving.

.:. .:. .:.

Harry comes to find him, bag of treats still in hand.

“Did he just – are you okay?”

“Um,” Louis clears his throat quickly, “Yeah, Haz, fine.”

He starts pulling things out of bags again. “How’s Pig?”

“Good,” Harry says. “Still mostly under the couch.”

“Well, let’s get these things put away and then we’ll see if we can get her to play.”

He doesn’t tell Harry about Nick’s sudden departure, only feeling a bit bad about it.

They set up Pig’s bed in the guest bedroom, unsure if Nick will want it in their bedroom or not. Louis has to take a moment to marvel at the fact that it’s _their_ bedroom now, not just Harry and Nick’s.

Then they find room in a kitchen cabinet for most of the rest of her things.

“Does she need five sweaters?” Louis teases.

“It gets cold here,” Harry pouts. “When we have to take her out, you’ll want a sweater too.”

“I don’t have fur.”

“You do around the important bits,” Harry says, smirking.

Louis pauses, glancing to him. “Are you flirting with me?”

“Of course,” Harry says. “Always.”

Louis snorts at him and snaps the cabinet closed. “Is there even a park around here? Where are we going to take her out?”

“Maybe we’ll get a house,” Harry says. “Now that we’re back, I mean. Maybe he’ll let us help decorate.”

The thought brings a smile to both their faces.

“Well, he needs help if this is anything to go by.”

Harry chuckles at that. “I liked the house better too.”

“Don’t know. Having a new place is kinda nice too,” Louis admits.

“C’mon,” Harry says after a moment. “Let’s go find Pig.”

.:. .:. .:.

By the time Nick gets back, Pig is running circles through most of the flat, excitedly squeaking a small rubber newspaper. He pauses in the door to coo at her before bringing in a bag that’s literally twice the size of her.

Louis pushes off the couch to help. Harry hurriedly gathers the rest of the toys into a more manageable pile. Nick waves Louis off though.

“Go sit,” he says. “I’ve got this.”

Louis pouts, insanely curious as to what’s in the bag. It’s probably just a cage or something for when they’re not there. But maybe not. Louis debates a moment before gathering up Pig’s toys and heading to put them away in the kitchen. If he happens to glance in the dining room as he passes…well.

Nick’s pulling boxes out of the bag but Louis can’t tell what he has. He puts the toys away and passes again, Nick glancing over his shoulder this time.

“Get in here,” Nick sighs. “You little sneak.”

Louis slips into the dining room, pulling a chair and sinking into it before looking at the table again.

There’s four boxes. Two laptops and two cell phones.

Louis frowns at them. “What’s all this?”

Rather than answering him Nick turns back to the doorway. “Harry, come in here?”

Harry shuffles in slowly, dropping into the chair next to Louis.

“Honestly,” Nick says. “I don’t know how the two of you put up with me.”

Louis and Harry exchange a look.

“Uh,” Louis says, pausing.

“I’ve had you for how long now? Nearly eight months? And I never thought to wonder why you never spoke to your families.”

Louis’ heart gives an absolutely terrible thump at that. Nick is still speaking though.  
  
“I have no desire to separate you from your families,” he adds. “If I need to keep you hidden away then I’m obviously not doing a good enough job as your Dom. Which I’m beginning to think anyway.”

“These are for us?” Louis demands. His chest aches.

Nick nods.

“So we can talk to our families?” Harry asks.

Nick nods again.

A heavy silence fills the room.

Harry covers his mouth with his hand. His shoulders tremble.

“Nick…” Louis manages. Oh god, he’s going to cry. He stumbles out of his chair, hugging Nick tightly. Harry’s wrapping his arms around both of them then too.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t think of it sooner,” Nick says, serious and hushed. “Maybe I really should be reported for abuse.”

Louis pulls back enough to punch his arm.

“Don’t say that,” he demands. “You’re not psychic, are you?”

“I wasn’t exactly paying attention either, was I?”

“Two subs is a lot of work,” Harry says. “And you’ve an important job.”

“I don’t need to work as much as I do,” Nick says. “Not anymore.”

“But you shouldn’t have to change for us,” Louis protests.

Nick guides his jaw up gently. “That’s what loving someone is, Lou.”

Louis’ throat constricts. He buries his face in Nick’s chest quickly.

“I’ve had your families’ contact information emailed to me,” Nick adds. “You can call them tonight and we can see about setting up video chats or Skype calls or something for later on.”

“Nick,” Harry sniffs. “Can you just shut up and hold us?”

Nick laughs and after another moment they’re all standing there laughing together.

“Could do,” Nick says. “Yeah.”

.:. .:. .:.

“You should go first,” Harry says, staring at Louis.

They both have brand-new phones in their laps, numbers programmed in and everything.

Louis feels a bit ill.

“Mum’s probably busy with one of the girls,” Louis deflects. “You go first.”

Harry shakes his head. “No, I want you to go first.”

Louis bites his lip.

“I don’t want to – like,” he sighs. Is there a good way to say he wants to do it alone?

“What?” Harry prompts.

“Well, I’m probably going to cry,” Louis snaps, pushing a hand through his hair.

Harry nods at this.

“Me too,” he says. “It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. We all cry.”

“We do,” Nick agrees.

“But what if she blames herself for what happened?” Louis says. “She never wanted to send me but we couldn’t really afford anything else – I couldn’t go to school, I-”

“You don’t have to tell her,” Nick cuts him off. “Not if you don’t want to.”

Louis bites his lip.

“And if you do want to,” Nick continues gently, “maybe not on the first phone call.”

“Right,” Louis says. “Okay.” He really does want to talk to his mum.

Slowly he takes a breath and lets it back out. He swipes across the screen to open it up before tapping on the contacts list. It’s two simple taps to dial his mother and put it on speaker phone.

Louis’ hands are shaking and he’s mostly sure his palms are sweating. He doesn’t really want to worry about holding his phone.

The call rings for an eternity, and Louis stops breathing totally when the dialling stops.

“Hello?” his mum questions.

Louis clenches his hands. He exhales shakily.

“Hi, mum.”

There’s a sharp bang on the end of the line and Louis can’t help his flinch. There’s a few muffled words and then: “Lou? Baby, is that you?”

There’s so much love and hope shining through those words.

Louis shuts his eyes, squeezing a few tears out.

“Yeah,” he laughs.

“Sorry, love, I dropped the phone,” his mum laughs too. “It’s so good to hear your voice. My god, are you alright? Is he treating you well?”

Louis can’t make himself look at Nick.

“Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, mum, so much has happened. I’m with another sub, Harry, and Nick picked both of us.”

“That sounds wonderful, Lou. I’m so happy for you.”

“How’re the girls?” Louis asks, happy to change the subject. He wipes his cheeks and settles back as his mum launches into full updates on each of his baby sisters.

“And,” his mum wraps up, “I’ve gotten married – we’re pregnant with another set of twins.”

Louis’ feels his whole face light up. “Mum! That’s amazing!”

“And don’t think I didn’t realize that we didn’t talk about you, dearest. But there’s next time?”

“Yes,” Louis says. “Very soon. Tomorrow.”

His mum laughs at that. “Alright, tomorrow. Bye, Boobear.”

“Mum,” Louis groans. Then he sighs. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” she says, laughing.

As much as Louis wants to curl up into a tiny ball and disappear as he hangs up, he knows he has to be brave for Harry now.

“Okay,” he says, exhaling. “Your turn.”

“Maybe take a deep breath first,” Harry tells him, laughing.

“I’ll catch my breath while you’re dialling,” Louis tells him primly.

He pushes off the couch and climbs into Nick’s lap. Nick’s already made room for him, lips curved so gently.

“Boobear?” Nick questions low in his ear.

Louis scowls at him.

“Shut up,” he says.

Nick chuckles. “I think it’s cute.”

“I’m adorable,” Louis tells him.

Nick hums his agreement. Then they both turn back to Harry.

Harry’s incandescent speaking to his mum. He dials his sister right after to congratulate her on her uni degree. They talk for ages, Harry eventually dialling his mum again, but Louis doesn’t mind. He feels safe and happy in Nick’s arms – listening to Harry’s voice lulls him towards sleep.

He doesn’t wake until Nick is carrying him to bed.

“Alright?” Nick asks.

Louis nods slowly.

“Yeah,” he says. “’m happy.”

“Good,” Nick answers, clearing his throat. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize sooner, love.”

He sets Louis on the bed. “Pyjamas?”

“Okay,” Louis agrees. “Where’s Harry?”

“Shower,” Nick says.

“Okay,” Louis says, for lack of anything better.

Nick helps Louis out of his shirt and offers him a new one.

“Can we cuddle?”

“Course,” Nick says. “Wanna wait for Harry?”

“He can join us,” Louis says, tugging Nick closer.

.:. .:. .:.

Nick goes back to work on a more regular schedule, but life is far from boring for Louis and Harry.

They speak to their families often, exchanging pictures and videos and eventually sharing video calls too. Louis meets Harry’s mum over the internet and Harry meets Louis’. Louis meets his mum’s new husband. It may be a bit odd but after so long with no contact – they each drink it in.

Then of course, there’s Pig to be tended to as well. And Harry has also started decorating the house they don’t have yet. Louis can’t find it in him to discourage Harry, especially when they both know as soon as Nick catches on, he’ll most likely make it happen. He’s good to them.

Louis is good – he feels good. But still, there’s a part of him that worries. He still feels like Nick and Harry leave him behind.  
  
Because of _sex_.  
  
Honestly – it’s so stupid. Louis mostly knows it. But he just feels like he’s supposed to be having sex. Like, if he’s not having sex, there’s something wrong with him. And he already knows that, yeah, there is something wrong with him.  
  
He’s been traumatized.

It is what it is.

Louis pushes out a sigh, scratching at Pig’s ear as he stares at the ceiling. Half the time he thinks there wouldn’t even be a problem if he could just stop thinking about all of it. If he could just relax and let it happen. But it’s not like he can ask Nick to just keep going. Just the idea of it makes him grind his teeth.

“Harry,” Louis whines. Harry makes a noise to show he’s listening, face obscured by his laptop screen. “I want to have sex.”

Harry’s quiet a moment. “No you don’t, Lou.”

Louis sighs. “No, I don’t.”

He sighs longer. “I want to _want_ to have sex.”

“It doesn’t matter to me if we don’t have sex,” Harry tells him.

“I know.”

“And I honestly don’t think Nick cares either.”

“I know that’s what he says,” Louis says, easing Pig away and sitting up. “But he can’t actually mean it, right? Like – don’t you feel special when you’re with him and he’s, y’know, controlling you and making you feel safe and good and whole and-”

“Of course I do,” Harry cuts him off. Louis pouts. “But, Lou, I like getting fucked.”

It was a fair point.

“I’m just not-” _Whole,_ he thinks. _Right_. “What does he need me for then?”

“Literally everything but sex,” Harry tells him, folding his laptop closed. “Plus, I need you too.”

Louis frowns. “Why?”

Harry pulls a hand through his hair before standing and taking the last free spot on the couch.

“Can you just be quiet and listen for a minute?”

Louis narrows his eyes.

“I love you,” Harry tells him. “You’re kind and funny and you – well, you shine, Lou. You make me so happy. You make both of us happy. I just wish you could see yourself like that for even a moment.”

Something flutters in Louis’ chest. “Yeah?”

Harry smiles and leans in to kiss the tip of his nose. It makes Louis giggle.

“I love you too.”

.:. .:. .:.

Harry holds him until Nick gets home and Louis hardly thinks about it for the rest of the day.

The next morning it’s back. Louis helps Nick get ready, rubbing at his eyes sleepily.

“Be good, love,” Nick says, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Give Harry a kiss for me as well.”

“I’ll give him two,” Louis says, hugging Nick quickly.

“Why not three?”

“Okay,” Louis agrees. “Hope you have a good day.”

“You too.” Nick offers another smile. “See you tonight.”

He stoops to scratch at Pig’s ear and then he’s off.

Louis heads back to bed, nudging at Harry gently.

“Was’it,” Harry mumbles.

“Wake up,” Louis tells him. “I want you to fuck me.”

.:. .:. .:.

Nearly half an hour later, Harry is watching him, one hand wrapped firmly around his mug. Louis thinks he can smell the coffee from where he’s sitting.

Harry sighs at him.

“Lou, I don’t know that this is a good idea.”

“Okay,” Louis agrees. “I know that. But I need to figure out if it’s ever going to be an option for me.”

“Shouldn’t you talk to a therapist about it first?”

“They’re not gonna know if I’ll freak out any more than I do.”

Harry frowns at him. Louis waits.

“I still don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“I know,” Louis repeats. “But it’s not like I can ask Nick. I don’t want to disappoint him and I don’t want to go too far because I don’t want to disappoint him and end up regretting it.” Just the idea of letting Nick down – in any way – is enough to make Louis want to crawl away and die.

He blows out a sigh. “You’re the only person I can ask.”

“But you don’t need to do this,” Harry says.

“I don’t want to hide from it either.”

“Okay,” Harry agrees. “But we’re gonna take this slow. I won’t hurt you.”

Louis laughs nervously. “I’d rather you didn’t.”

“You wanna start now?”

He doesn’t – not really. But Louis gets the feeling that if he stalls, he’s just going to stall forever.

“Okay,” he agrees.

Harry takes a long swallow of coffee before standing and offering Louis his hand.

“Alright,” he says. “C’mon.”

They walk hand in hand back to their bedroom.

.:. .:. .:.

He’s fine through most of it. Louis almost thinks he’s gonna make it. He doesn’t mind Harry helping him undress or lying on top of him. And he’s only a little tense when Harry moves to part his thighs.  
  
Harry’s fingers don’t hurt at all, he moves slowly and carefully, using more than enough lube to keep Louis comfortable. The pressure against Louis’ prostate is actually nice. It’s not like Harry doesn’t know what he’s doing, after all.

So things are alright. They’re just fine. Louis has actually managed to maintain his erection and he’s not panicking.

Okay, he’s barely panicking.

But then it is time for the actual fucking. Harry almost looks more worried than he is. Louis tries to close his eyes, heart giving a painful squeeze in response. Louis opens his eyes again, forcing himself to look at Harry.

He knows Harry won’t hurt him. He _knows_.

“Lou, you sure?”

“Uh huh,” Louis lies, nodding for good measure.

Harry takes a deep breath and lets it back out. His cock presses in slowly. Louis gasps at the pop of pressure as the head slips in. He shivers, spine arcing up.

“Okay?” Harry checks.  
  
“Hm,” Louis manages, nodding once.

Louis forces himself to keep breathing. People enjoy this, right?  
  
Harry shifts his hips, more of his dick sliding in. Something flips in Louis’ brain. It literally feels like a light going out. His stomach drops out from under him and he drags in a breath.

“No,” he’s already whimpering. It’s too much – Harry’s too big, he can’t. _He can’t._

Harry pulls out too fast and Louis curls in on himself, breath coming and going too fast. He’s panicking, he knows. He recognizes the signs but it doesn’t help. His fists curl up tight and he closes his eyes.  
  
Harry’s saying his name over and over. When he touches Louis, Louis flinches in response. Harry pulls the sheets and blankets up over him, trying to crawl behind him and hold him. As soon as Louis feels the line of Harry’s cock a fresh wave of panic breaks over him. He knows it’s physically impossible for Harry to lose his erection that fast, but panic has never been logical.

He’s crying as he squirms away, wanting nothing more than to feel safe. Will he ever feel safe?

Harry manages to get him partially dressed and into the guest bedroom. The clean sheets help. So do the clothes. Louis can’t stop crying, though. He wishes he could just sleep but he can’t. All he can do is think about the fact that he can’t do it.

He’s broken.

Sure, Harry can tell him he’s not. He can tell him it’s okay. But Louis isn’t sure he really believes it.

Harry leaves the bed once Nick arrives home and Louis knows they’re talking about him – he doesn’t try to stop it. He rolls over and shoves his face more firmly into the pillow.

Two sets of footsteps approach the room and the door swings open softly.

Louis pretends he doesn’t hear.

“Louis,” Nick says. “Can we get in bed with you?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Louis says, tilting his face enough so the words aren’t muffled. Then he shoves his face back into the pillow.

“We don’t have to,” Nick tells him. “But we would love to give you a cuddle.”

Louis inhales sharply. He feels like crying.

“Please,” he says, lifting his face enough for the word to escape.

Harry and Nick both get in bed gently. Louis tries to swallow down his tears before turning so they can all fit together. He hides his face in Harry’s chest, unable to look at Nick. Not that he can really look at Harry either – but it’s less of a risk.

“Can I try something?” Nick asks, shifting just a bit.

“What?” Louis asks, heart thumping unsteadily.

“Something to help give up control. Something that’s safe.”

_Safe,_ Louis thinks.

“Okay,” Louis agrees.

“Okay,” Nick echoes. “C’mere then.”

Louis takes a deep breath. He’s grateful for the kiss Harry presses to the top of his head. After another moment Louis turns himself over. He focuses on Nick’s chest rather than meeting his gaze.

Nick grips Louis’ left hand, brushing a kiss over the knuckles. He does the same with his right. Then he gathers up his tie and begins looping it around Louis’ wrists, drawing them together. Louis’ breath catches in his chest.

“Nick-”

Nick only shushes him, binding his wrists efficiently.

“Only your wrists, love,” Nick says. “Only this.”

Louis closes his mouth, exhaling unsteadily.

“Let us take care of you,” Nick whispers, squeezing one of his hands before shifting close enough to kiss his brow.

Louis tries to tug his wrists apart, torn on what to feel when he can’t separate them. Panic laps at him and he forces a short breath. He’s okay. He’s fine. If something happens he can -

Well, Louis can’t do much of anything.

He closes his eyes again. Nothing is going to happen. Louis inhales and exhales again. Nothing is going to happen. Something in him settles. He feels – does he dare even think it? Is this what it feels like to be safe?

Louis sags into the mattress for a few moments before rolling onto his back to ease the pressure on his elbow.

“Okay?” Harry asks.

“Yeah,” Louis says slowly. He looks to Nick. “Thank you.”

Nick smiles.

“Good boy,” he tells him.

Louis’ stomach squirms. He presses his face back into Nick’s chest, smiling against the buttons of his shirt.

.:. .:. .:.

They stay in bed for hours, Harry eventually leaving to get food and put music on.

Nick doesn’t leave him at all.

Louis drifts along, feeling sort of sleepy and mostly happy. He doesn’t really understand what’s happening to him. All he knows is that Nick is with him and everything is okay.

“Feeling better?” Nick asks eventually, dropping another kiss to Louis’ mouth.

“Good,” Louis says. “Really good.”

“Okay,” Nick says. He tugs the tie gently. “Ready to take this off?”

“I guess so,” Louis says, feeling his lips turn in a pout.

“Hey,” Nick says, guiding his chin up. “We can do this whenever you want to. It doesn’t have to go anywhere. It doesn’t have to be anything more than this.”

“No?”

Nick only smiles again. He shakes his head.

“How about a bath?” he says next, opening the knot carefully.

“Yeah,” Louis says, only feeling a gentle spike of nerves. “Okay.”

Louis rotates his wrists, flexing his fingers carefully.

“Too tight?”

Louis has to smile at that. They both know Nick wasn’t anywhere close to cutting off circulation. But Louis supposed it still could have been too tight for him.

“No,” he says. “Feels weird.”

Nick brings each wrist to his lips, pressing a kiss on the tender underside. Louis almost feels like he’s floating again.

“I’ll go start the water,” Nick says. “Wanna come with or you need a minute?”

“A minute,” Louis says. “Please.”

“I’ll be waiting,” Nick smiles. “When you’re ready.”

Louis has to wonder how good his training was if this was what having a Dom that actually cares is like. It isn’t anything like he’d expected.

A sliver of doubt shoots through him. What was it about him that made Nick care? Like he was really that special?

Louis sits up slowly as Nick leaves, running a hand down his face and sighing. Maybe the doubt is always going to be there. Maybe he’ll know that Nick cares for him – but he’ll never really _feel_ it.

He groans and pushes off the bed, hurrying after Nick.

“I’ll come with you,” he says, grabbing for Nick’s hand. Nick doesn’t look surprised, giving Louis another smile and twining their fingers.

Nick rolls up his shirt sleeves once the door is shut behind them. He kneels next to the tub and turns the knob. Louis pulls himself up onto the counter to wait. He tangles his fingers in his lap, just for something to do.

It doesn’t take long for steam to start rolling out of the spout. Nick adds some salt and the scent of roses blooms in the air.

“C’mon, Lou,” Nick says, pushing to his feet. “Up you get.”

Louis stands, only shivering slightly when Nick moves to take off his shirt.

Nick doesn’t flinch. He keeps moving at the same pace, slipping Louis’ shirt up and off his shoulders. Louis shoves his pants down and steps out, glad to sink down into the tub.

The water is so hot it burns but Louis doesn’t care, shivering at the chill over the rest of his skin.

Nick kneels down next to him, turning off the water.

“Hair first,” he says.

Louis nods, laying back and dunking his head. Nick lathers the shampoo in both hands before threading them through Louis’ hair gently. He’s more cautious than usual, barely moving Louis’ head as he rubs the shampoo in.

“Rinse,” Nick tells him.

Louis does, running his hands through his hair beneath the water. Nick adds conditioner next, rinsing his hands again and starting on Louis’ shoulders as it soaks.

As Nick’s hands drift lower Louis starts to tense up. He’s not sore exactly. But he definitely feels… Tender. He tries to ignore it, but as Nick’s hand runs down his spine, below the level of the water, Louis flinches.

“Just a second,” he says, pulling away enough to dunk his hair again. He rinses everything, stalling before sitting up again.

“Okay?”

“Not really,” Louis admits. He pushes hair out of his face and sighs.

“You want to finish up?” Nick asks then.

“No,” Louis says. It’s not like he can have what he wants.

Nick doesn’t say anything for several moments.

Louis sits silently and feels just a bit miserable.

“I’m right here,” Nick tells him.

“I know.”

“And I’m not going anywhere,” Nick adds.

Louis doesn’t have an answer for that.

Nick squeezes his shoulder gently.

“I’ve gotta get you cleaned up, darling.”

Louis exhales carefully. He nods. “Should I stand?”

“You don’t have to,” Nick says. “Maybe just turn a bit.”

Louis does, closing his eyes as he waits for Nick to touch him.

“Did he hurt you?”

Louis laughs at that.

“No,” he says. “Harry was a perfect gentleman.”

“Good,” Nick says. He runs a washcloth down Louis’ spine and back up. “Okay?”

“Sure,” Louis laughs again. He bites down when he realizes how bitter he sounds.

Nick moves lower carefully, rubbing small circles.

“Won’t hurt at all,” Nick says softly.

“I know,” Louis says. “I trust you.”

“Okay,” Nick exhales. “Here we go.”

He’s quick and true to his word, it doesn’t hurt at all. There’s absolutely no reason for Louis to break down crying the way that he does. It’s not quiet or soft.

He’s flailing as he tries to get out of the tub, sobs cracking out of his chest. Nick catches him before he does anything more serious than bang his knee on the edge. He holds on tightly.

“I’ve got you,” Nick says. “I’m right here.”  
  
He turns away long enough to yell for Harry.

“What do we do?” Nick asks. “Can you help him?”

Louis focuses on their voices, chest aching with how hard he’s crying. Harry must shake his head or something because Nick only holds on tighter.

“He doesn’t really cry,” Harry says. “You’ve got to let him get it out.”

“Can we take him out of the tub?”

“Don’t move him unless you have to,” Harry advises.

“Here,” Nick says. “Get my phone and wallet out, please.”

Louis tries to take a deep breath, he tries to calm down. It only makes it worse, feeling like his chest is going to shatter under the pressure.

Nick pushes him forward, clambering into the tub without fully taking his hands off Louis.

“I’m right here,” he tells Louis again.

He lifts Louis up and settles him in his lap, hands wrapping around Louis’ wrists. Nick holds him tightly, bringing his wrists together over his stomach. Louis struggles, more out of habit than anything. Nick doesn’t let go though, even when water sloshes out of the tub.

Louis settles eventually, his sobs working down to frustrated little cries. When they finally taper off, Louis sags down. He’s exhausted and his head thumps so sharply he feels like he could start crying all over again. Not to mention that his face is an absolute mess of snot and tears.

“Nick,” he manages weakly, “Help me.”

“Alright,” Nick says. He sits up, pushing Louis up with him. “Let’s get you dried off and warmed up, yeah?”

“Please.”

His voice cracks and he’ll probably be embarrassed about that later.

“Lean forward a bit,” Nick tells him.

Louis does, wiping off his face with his hands. Nick gets out of the tub and sheds his shoes, followed by his socks and trousers. He shakes out a towel and offers one hand back to Louis. Once the towel is wrapped around Louis’ shoulders, Nick takes a smaller one and gently wipes off his face.

Louis steps closer, leaning against Nick’s shoulder.

“Look,” Nick says. “Still here.”

Against his will, Louis smiles. He’s a wreck. And Nick is dripping on his toes.

But – still.

“Let’s get you some water. And medicine. And bed,” Nick says.

“Okay,” Louis agrees, letting Nick guide him.

.:. .:. .:.

It’s still dark when Louis hears Nick and Harry murmuring above him. His throat is dry and he swallows against the feeling.

“-beautiful,” Harry was saying. “I wanted his attention so badly.”

Louis squeezes his eyes shut even more tightly. As much as he doesn’t want to hear this, he also doesn’t want them to know he’s awake. He chooses to remain silent.

“We spent nearly every minute together for my first three weeks there. It didn’t even occur to either of us that we would be paired up.”

“Doubt he could have denied your dimples,” Nick teases.  
  
Harry laughs huskily.

“I’ve grown into my face since,” Harry demurs. Nick hums and Harry continues. “Things started getting really bad though, my second year.”

Louis really doesn’t want to hear this.

“There was a Dom– he just wanted me. And I didn’t want to go with him. Even if I hadn’t been with Lou, I wouldn’t have wanted to. The way he looked at me was…” Harry drifts off and Louis can picture him making a face. “They started picking on Louis more. But the worst thing was I could see him starting to listen. He didn’t even want me to call him beautiful anymore.”

“They really wanted to split you two up?”

Harry nods, at least Louis assumes he does. “They threatened to.”

“That’s awful,” Nick supplies.

“They weren’t nice people. When they first – started,” he makes an abortive noise in his throat. “I thought I would go mad. I thought I would literally lose my mind. The first Dom that showed interest I threw myself all in. I tried so hard to convince Louis we should go with him. But he wouldn’t agree.”

“Did he say why?”

“Just had a feeling I guess. Like I had with the other one.”

“And then there was me?”

“Then there was you,” Harry says. “He liked you right away, I could tell.”  
  
Nick chuckles at that. “You sure?”

“Mmhmm,” Harry murmurs. “He wouldn’t admit it but I could see it in his eyes.”

“I liked him too,” Nick says. “So pretty. Especially when he’s smiling at you.”

“He just gets scared,” Harry adds after a moment.

“Understandably,” Nick sighs.

“I’ll never send either of you back to that place, no matter what,” he promises.

“Good.”

Harry kisses the side of Louis’ face before settling back. It seems to be the end of the conversation.

Louis breathes out silently and relaxes again.

.:. .:. .:.

When he wakes again Louis feels better. His head still aches, his face sort of does too, but he feels better than he expected. Certainly better than he had before his bath.

Nick didn’t go to work – which Louis supposes doesn’t actually surprise him.

“So,” Nick says as Louis sits up. “I think we need to talk.”

Louis nods.

“Yeah,” he manages, throat dry.

“Why didn’t you talk to me?”

Louis’ shoulders sag under the weight of the question. He hates himself.

“I didn’t want to disappoint you,” he admits, picking at the sheet.

“I’m not disappointed,” Nick says softly. “I only wish you felt that you could have told me.”

“I just wanted to know if I could do it. I wanted to,” he pauses and takes a breath. “I wanted to surprise you, but I knew if I tried to do it with you and I couldn’t do it then you would blame yourself, and it’s not your fault.”

“Oh Lou,” Nick sighs. “Come here.”

He holds open his arms and Louis shoves himself in, tucking his face just under Nick’s chin.

“I just wish you would listen to me,” he grips the back of Louis’ skull for a moment, giving it a shake. “This thing is like a brick wall, I swear.” He laughs to soften it but Louis’ face still flames.

“I’m sorry,” Louis mumbles.

Nick’s hand softens, fingers trailing through Louis’ hair.

“I told you, Louis. I don’t need sex from you.”

Louis tries to bite down on his snort but a little of it escapes anyway.

Nick sits up a bit, guiding Louis’ chin up.

“What?” he asks.

“You don’t need sex from me because you have Harry for that, right?”

“If that’s how you want to look at it, then I can’t really stop you,” Nick sighs. “But I don’t need sex from you, because you don’t _want_ to have sex with me.”

“But I do!” Louis says, too loudly. “I do, but I just can’t.”

“I know that and I would never want you to do something that hurts you, just for my sake.”

“I mean, really,” Louis continues. “Who gets two subs anyway? We both know you only picked both of us because you wanted Harry. You got Harry, you get everything you need from him, and I’m just the spare.”

“You’re lashing out,” Nick tells him.

Louis tries to gasp and snort at the same time, choking on a lungful of air.

“Fuck you,” he snarls. “I’ll do whatever I want to! It’s not like I should even _be_ here!”

“Harry and I have both worked to make you feel included,” Nick tells him, blinking once.

“Because you feel sorry for me?” Louis demands, heart racing painfully. “I’m just the pity kiss and cuddle at the end of the night?”

“Okay,” Nick says. He pulls away from Louis fully, climbing out of bed and crossing to the door. He closes the door and pauses a moment before looking back to Louis.

Louis isn’t really afraid of what’s about to happen – which he supposes is progress.

“You obviously feel that you need punished,” Nick tells him.

“You can’t punish me if I’m not your sub,” Louis points out.

“If you say that again,” Nick says, “I will slap you.”

Louis inhales, fully intending on repeating himself – but something in Nick’s gaze stops him.  
He believes Nick.

“You are my sub,” Nick continues. “Whether I fuck you or not. Now – you can kneel for an hour or I can spank you. You may choose.”

A slight thrill goes through Louis at the idea of being spanked. Nick’s hands are absolutely lovely. But then again, does he really want his first spanking from Nick to be a punishment?

“I’ll kneel,” Louis says eventually.

There’s something about this. Something about admitting that he wants to be punished. It’s embarrassing, it makes a small part of Louis want to curl up and cry. But the rest of him revels in it. He _wants_ Nick to do this. He wants to believe that he’s Nick’s sub.

Nick’s never punished him before.

“I’m sorry,” Nick says smoothly. “I can’t hear you.”

Louis closes his eyes. Surely his face is red by now.

“I’ll kneel,” he says, louder.

Nick nods.

“Put a pillow down at the foot of the bed,” he tells him. Then he disappears into the closet.

Louis exhales. An hour will be easy enough.

He gets out of bed and stretches his arms and back quickly. Then he grabs a pillow as instructed and walks to the foot of the bed before dropping it.

Nick re-emerges before he’s gotten any further, a tie dangling in his hands. Something kicks in Louis’ gut – both at the tie choice and the realization that Nick is going to bind his wrists again.

He’d recognize the tie anywhere. It’s navy with tiny yellow polka dots and it’s the very same one that Harry picked out for him months ago. Louis doesn’t dare ask, but something tells him that Nick’s figured it out. That part, at least.

He swallows carefully.

“Turn,” Nick tells him.

Louis does, exhaling and bringing both hands to the small of his back. Nick binds him in seconds, guiding Louis’ shoulders so that he’s facing away from the bed again.

“Why am I punishing you?” Nick questions.

Louis thinks quickly. It isn’t because of what happened with Harry, that much he’s sure of.

“Because I said I was your spare sub,” Louis says.

“Yes,” Nick agrees. “And...”

Louis inhales and blinks carefully. He hadn’t expected that. He doesn’t dare look up to meet Nick’s eyes.

“And, I don’t know,” Louis says, very quietly.

“And, because you feel that you deserve to be punished,” Nick tells him.

 Louis’ face crumples at that. His shoulders sag and he nods.

“You took a big risk,” Nick says. “And it didn’t work out for you. What do you wish you had done instead?”

_I wish I had just been able to do it,_ Louis thinks. He doesn’t dare say it out loud though.

“I wish I had talked to you about it,” he says.

“I do too,” Nick says. “If you still wanted it to be Harry, I could have been here at home when you tried. I could have gotten to you sooner.”

“I don’t really know if that would have helped,” Louis says. He doesn’t mean to challenge Nick, but he really doesn’t think anything could have stopped what happened.

“We’ll never know,” Nick says. The rebuke is so gentle it hurts even more than if Nick had struck him. Louis blinks and twin tears slide down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“I know,” Nick says. “One hour.”

He turns and opens the door, leaving it open a crack. He doesn’t stay to watch Louis kneel on the pillow.

Louis kneels down carefully. He can’t wipe away his tears so he lets them run their course. It’s easy enough to keep his breathing level. Even though Nick didn’t assign him a safeword, the door is open. Louis would be more than capable of standing and seeking him out if he can’t do this.

But he can.

He can do this. He will.

Louis breathes out and sinks into himself. This is easy. This is home.

His hands are bound comfortably and it helps ground him. Louis breathes in again. He breathes out again.  
  
.:. .:. .:.

It doesn’t feel like very long before Nick comes for him.

“Can you stand?” he asks.

Louis blinks slowly and thinks about it. He leans on his right knee and then pushes back to his left.

“I think so,” he says.

“Alright,” Nick says. “Come on up, love.”

Louis struggles to his feet, flushing when he stumbles into Nick’s chest.

“Feel better?”

Louis doesn’t answer, he sags into Nick’s warmth and sighs out. Nick unties his wrists, rubbing at them slowly while Louis leans against him.

“Alright,” Nick says again. “Let me see your face.”

Louis obeys, even if he’s sad about it. Nick tilts his chin up slowly.

“Too much?” he asks.

“No,” Louis says clearly. He feels a bit weepy suddenly but he tries to ignore it.

“You were so good for me,” Nick tells him, gifting him a smile. “So beautiful.”

His thumb strokes across Louis’ jaw for a moment.  
  
“My good boy,” he exhales.

The words are a quick one-two-punch and Louis is swaying into Nick all over again, gripping at his arms.

“You’re not mad at me?” Louis questions, voice trembling.

“No,” Nick says firmly. “Not at all.”

“Disappointed?” he struggles over the word, chest physically aching as the syllables get tangled in his teeth.

“Yes,” Nick admits, one hand cradling the back of Louis’ head.

Louis can’t bear it, pushing out of his arms as he gasps out a sob. He’s _broken_. This absolute fuck up of a sub and what is anyone ever going to do with him if he can’t even do what subs are _supposed_ to do?

“I’m sorry,” he cries, both hands covering his eyes as he curls in on himself. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t! I just panicked and I’m sorry – I –”

“Louis!” Nick cuts him off sharply. He pulls him back, turning Louis to face him again. He tugs at Louis’ wrist but Louis doesn’t budge.

He can’t look at Nick now. He absolutely can’t.

“Louis,” Nick says again. “Listen to me, please. I am _not_ disappointed that you told Harry to stop. I will _never_ be disappointed in you taking care of yourself and doing what you need to do.”

He gives Louis’ shoulders a little shake, as if he can force the words to settle over Louis. “I’m only disappointed that you wanted to please me and ended up getting hurt. Which is _not_ your fault.”

Louis’ sobs cut off. He inhales carefully before risking a peek at Nick. He looks like he means it, is the thing. He really does.

“Really?” Louis asks. His voice is helplessly small in that moment but he can’t bring himself to care.

“Yes,” Nick says, taking both of Louis’ hands in his.

Louis grips reflexively. He feels like his head is about to dip underwater. Like he’ll drown all over again.

“I love you,” Nick tells him.

A fresh sob breaks out of Louis’ chest and he tugs his hands from Nick’s to crash into his chest again, hugging him tightly.

“I love you,” Louis says through his tears. “I love you _so_ much.”

It’s only a couple steps back to the bed and Nick settles him there gently.

.:. .:. .:.

“Louis.”

Louis doesn’t open his eyes, exhaling slowly.

“Louis,” Nick says again.

Louis lets out just a small whine. “What?”

“Can you wake up for me?”

“’M awake,” Louis complains. “What do you want?”

“Sit up for me, please,” Nick says.  
  
Louis blinks open his eyes. Nick is sitting on the bed next to him, still wearing the same clothes from earlier. His expression is soft, just a bit of a tic to his lips.

“What is it?”

Nick doesn’t answer, making a ‘come here’ motion with his hand. Louis pouts a bit before sitting up.

“How are we feeling?” Nick asks.

“Good,” Louis says truthfully. “Tired.”

“Hungry?”

“Do I have to move?”

“Eventually,” Nick says, smirking.

“Then no,” Louis says, tilting his nose in the air.

“Lazy little prat,” Nick laughs. “I’ve got something for you anyway.”

“Food?” Louis perks up.

“No,” Nick says. “Something better, hopefully.”  
  
He reaches behind himself, bringing out a narrow black box. Louis feels his eyes widen, immediately sitting up straighter.

“Nick,” he says.

“Go on,” Nick says. “Open it.”

He pushes it closer with a fingertip.

Louis stalls a moment, swallowing. He reaches out with a barely trembling hand to pick it up. It’s lighter than he expected, for something so important. He doesn’t know why he’s so scared. He already knows what it is. He knows what it looks like.

“If this is a watch or something,” Louis says. He feels like his entire body is shaking.

Nick rolls his eyes. “Just open it, Louis.”

Louis inhales quickly and flips open the lid.

It’s his collar.

For about thirty seconds Louis stops breathing. He has to close his eyes as tears gather.

“Yeah?” he asks, blinking quickly because he _needs_ to be looking at Nick right now.

“Yeah,” Nick says softly. “If you want.”

Louis inhales again before nodding. Nick smiles before leaning forward to kiss him.

“I love you,” Nick tells him.

“Love you too.”

“Ready?” Nick questions next.

“Yeah,” Louis says. “Please.”

The chain is weightless as it slips around Louis’ neck. Nick leans even closer to fasten the tiny clasp. Then he lets the necklace fall looser, triangle settling between Louis’ collarbones.

Louis chokes around a small sob.

“Come here,” Nick says again.

“Don’t let me go,” Louis mumbles. “Don’t ever let me go.”

“I won’t,” Nick promises, hand smoothing down Louis’ back.

“Where’s Harry?” Louis asks as he realizes they’re still alone.

“Waiting outside,” Nick says, laughing quickly.

“Harry!” Louis yells. “Get in here!”

Harry scoots through the door, already looking weepy as he shifts some hair behind his ear.

“C’mon,” Louis says, reaching behind himself to pat the mattress.

“I love you both so much,” Harry tells them, climbing in the bed.

“We love you too,” Nick says.

“You can be little spoon next time,” Louis tells him.

“Good,” Harry says. “I love being little spoon.”

Harry settles behind him and Nick settles in front of him and maybe Louis isn’t whole – but he feels a lot closer just now.

.:. .:. .:.

Nick’s back to work after a long weekend -that was wonderful, thanks- and Louis and Pig are curled together on the couch.

Harry comes in with his laptop, shoulders slumped in a way that means he’s trying to be sneaky. Louis doesn’t comment until he sits down.

“What is it, Haz?”

“Well,” Harry says. “I was thinking, now that Nick has collared both of us we could maybe…” He trails off, opening his laptop and unlocking it quickly.

There’s already a webpage pulled up. It’s a ring: gold and rose gold twisted together.

“Oh,” Louis says.

Something expands in the pit of his stomach and all he can think is that yes, he wants this.

“We don’t know what size-”

“I might have measured while he was sleeping,” Harry says, cheeks flushed guiltily.

“You absolute monster,” Louis says, grinning. “Yes, of course. Let’s do it.”

Harry clicks on the little shopping cart icon, pulling one of Nick’s credit cards from his pocket.

“Does he know you have that?”

“Nope,” Harry says. “Do you think he’ll punish me?”  
He says it with a leer and Louis can’t help but laugh.

“Maybe he’ll punish both of us,” Louis says. He gets wistful then. What he wouldn’t do to get Nick’s lovely, lovely hands on him.

“At the same time,” Harry says. He leans over both Pig and the laptop to kiss Louis soundly.

“We may have to mention that to him at some point.”

“Yeah,” Louis agrees. “But first let’s order this ring.”

They spring for express shipping and the next three days are painfully agonizing as they wait for Nick’s surprise to arrive.

Nick seems to know something is up with them -Harry reveals he asked about it- but other than that, he doesn’t put up a fuss.

When the package finally arrives, Harry is downright gleeful, Louis already grinning to match him. They open the box together, sifting through packing peanuts to tug out the ring box.

Harry gasps when he opens it.

“It’s so beautiful,” he says.

“Mmhm,” Louis agrees. “You’ve great taste, Harry.”  
  
He presses a kiss to Harry’s temple.

“You think he’ll like it then?”

“He’s gonna love it,” Louis says.

“We should make a special dinner, too,” Harry grins around the words.

.:. .:. .:.

They make dinner together, music playing as they kick a squeaky toy for Pig to chase after.

Louis calls Nick half an hour before everything is ready to come out.

“Yes, love?”

“We’re making dinner,” Louis sings. “So get your arse home soon.”

“Oh yeah? What are you making then?”

“Come home and find out,” Louis teases.

Nick laughs lowly.

“Alright,” he says.

“And we have a surprise too,” Harry yells before Louis can hang up.

“Oh yeah? Sounds good. I’ll be home in a tic then.”

.:. .:. .:.

True to his word, Nick is home with almost perfect timing.

“Surprise dinner and a surprise? How did I get so lucky?”

“Nick!” Harry cries, yanking off his oven mitts and smacking a kiss to each of his cheeks. “Welcome home.”

Nick hums before catching Harry’s mouth. “Thank you, sweet.”

“My turn,” Louis declares, pushing Harry out of the way. He stands on tip toes to wrap Nick in a hug, sighing when Nick draws him in for a kiss as well. “Hi.”

“Hello, pretty boy,” Nick says.

Louis’ mouth goes lax in shock. His cheeks flood with heat.

“Dinner’ll get cold!” he yelps, dashing into the kitchen.

Nick chuckles but follows him in anyway.

“What are you doing?” Louis demands. “The table is set.” He makes a shooing motion toward the dining room. “Go.”

“Oh,” Nick allows, eyebrows moving up in surprise. “Are you bringing food to me as well? Fancy.”

Louis rolls his eyes. “Go sit, Nicholas.”

“Yeah,” Harry agrees. “Honestly, Nick. It’s like you don’t understand that we made you dinner.”

Nick looks between them for a long moment. Then he nods and heads for the dining room.

Louis and Harry share a smile, Harry easing the ring box from his pocket so they can look at it again.

“This is gonna be excellent,” Louis says, pressing a kiss directly between Harry’s eyebrows.

“Love you,” Harry whispers. He tucks the ring away.

“You too,” Louis says, just as lowly.

They each grab a dish so they can actually start dinner.

.:. .:. .:.

“Not that this hasn’t been lovely,” Nick says, tossing his napkin on his mostly empty plate. “But I feel like I’ve forgotten our anniversary.”

Louis smiles down at the table. “Harry?”

“Right,” Harry says, easing his napkin from his lap too. “Well, we wanted to surprise you.”

Louis watches every motion as Harry slips his hand into his pocket. He sets the box on the table between himself and Nick. Nick glances to each of them from his spot at the head of the table before picking the box up.

“What’s this?” Nick asks.

“We’re obviously not gonna tell you,” Louis says. “Just open it!”

Nick cracks a small smile, fingertips pulling open the lid. He doesn’t know what to say. It’s obvious.

“You two,” he mumbles eventually. “This is beautiful.” His voice is suspiciously thick. “It’s lovely.”

“I’m glad you like it,” Harry says.

“You paid for it,” Louis adds.

“Shut up, Lou,” Harry laughs. “He obviously paid for it.”

Louis sticks his tongue out.

Nick gently slips the ring onto his finger.

Louis could swear they all sigh at the same time.  
  
.:. .:. .:.

“There’s something else,” Louis tells him as they get ready for bed. “Something much smaller.”  
  
He has to laugh a moment, releasing some nerves.

“Yeah?” Nick asks.

“I picked a therapist,” Louis says. “I start next week.”

Nick steps closer. He kisses Louis slowly. “That’s amazing, Louis. I’m so proud of you.”

“Me too,” Louis admits.

.:. .:. .:.

“Ready, love?”

“Mmhm,” Louis hums, goose bumps raising on his arms.

“Lie back,” Nick tells him.

Louis inhales. He knows exactly where he is. He’s in the middle of their bed. If he lies back, his head will fall perfectly onto the two pillows Nick had arranged for him.

When he lies back.

Louis smiles a bit. He lets himself fall.

The bed to the left of him depresses as Nick leans over him. Louis blinks beneath his blindfold. He still hasn’t broken the habit of keeping his eyes open when he already knows he can’t see.

Nick’s fingertip skates along his throat. Louis lies perfectly still, pulse fluttering. Nick presses a kiss to the petite rose-gold triangle resting on Louis’ skin. The last of the tension in Louis drains away.

“Yours,” Louis hums.

“Yes,” Nick agrees. “You are mine.”

“I’m yours,” Louis says. “No matter what happens next.”

“No matter what happens next,” Nick says.

The bed shifts again and another kiss lands on the triangle.

“And mine,” Harry says.

“And yours,” Louis says.

He’s floating. He’s safe.

“No matter what,” Harry says.

He’s impatient for this. Louis too. Even if he wants to laugh at Harry just now.

“No matter what happens next,” Louis says primly.

Harry laughs at him, dropping a surprise kiss on his mouth. Louis finds a curl to tug on. Harry pokes between his ribs.

“Oi,” Nick interrupts. “Can you be serious for one moment?”

“Okay,” Harry says, clearly pouting.

“Yes, sir,” Louis says.

The poke comes from the left this time.

Nick stills him with a hand to his chest eventually and Louis takes a moment to breathe again. He needs to keep a clear head through this.

The blindfold helps. Bindings help. They haven’t tried both at the same time, though.

Louis can’t quite say he’s scared. This isn’t their first scene. It’s not even their first scene outside his therapist’s office.

“Okay,” Nick says. “Harry, go ahead.”

Louis rolls over and pushes himself up onto his elbows. Harry squirms around him until he can sit between the pillows the and the headboard.

“Ready,” he says, voice low enough to make something curl in Louis’ stomach.

“On your belly, darling,” Nick says.

Louis lowers himself slowly.

“Arms up,” Nick adds.

Louis breathes out carefully. He stretches out both his arms, fingers curled loosely.

Nick climbs off the bed to bind Louis’ right wrist. He rounds the foot of the bed to bind Louis’ left wrist as well. “How does it feel?”

Louis doesn’t need to test the bonds. He leaves his hands where they are.

“I’m okay,” he says.

“Harry’s got you,” Nick reminds him.

Harry gives his knees a little jiggle, tickling Louis’ armpits. Louis snaps his teeth in response. Harry runs a hand through his hair, gentling him again.

Louis is excited for the time when they can have a scene without him being the centrepiece. Without treating him like he’s as breakable as he is.

But for now, this will do.

Nick reaches for Louis’ pants without warning him verbally. The hairs on the back of Louis’ neck raise, but he doesn’t flinch. He breathes in and out carefully.

Nick _won’t_ hurt him.

He knows he won’t. And he knows that if he has to remind himself of that – it’s okay. Louis is only protecting himself. That’s okay too.

Nick doesn’t ask if he’s alright and it eases Louis. It reminds him that they’ve done this before – Nick can read him better now.

Louis sinks deeper. He exhales slowly.

“Good boy,” Nick says, kissing his shoulder.

Louis drops faster than he was expecting. He can’t see anything, he can’t move much. All he has to focus on is Nick and Harry touching him.

Nick is settling down below him, Harry is carding fingers through Louis’ hair. His stomach curls with a thrum of arousal and Louis relaxes his body. He spreads his thighs slightly, thrilling at Nick’s hum of approval. Nick’s fingertips trace down Louis’ arse and Harry’s fingers tighten in his hair.

Harry might be more excited for this than Louis is. It helps.

“You ready?” Harry asks. “He’s gonna make you feel so good, Lou.”

“Yeah,” Louis says. “Yeah, please.”

“Sure, love?” Nick asks.

“Please,” Louis says again, face heating.

Nick palms his arse, giving a squeeze. He pulls Louis’ cheeks apart and lets them settle again. Louis might arch his back a little.

“Please,” Louis says again. “Daddy, please.”

Nick groans, giving him another squeeze.

It settles him.

As much as Louis hates to admit it, the therapist was right: Louis can’t call Nick _Sir_ or _Master_. It’s not just that he doesn’t want to – it doesn’t feel right. Not when he’s down like this.

Daddy just works.

It doesn’t matter much beyond that.

“There’s my boy,” Nick says. He presses a kiss to the dip of Louis’ spine. “You remember your rules?”

Louis nods, nuzzling into Harry’s thigh. “If I’m scared I say yellow – if I need to stop I say red.”

“Good,” Nick says. “And?”

“You won’t be disappointed if I need to stop,” Louis says. “Only if I don’t tell you when I need to stop.”

“My perfect boy,” Nick says, kissing him again. “That’s all I need from you, just relax now.”

Louis obeys.  
  
Nick helps ease his thighs apart, spreading him again. Louis’ gut clenches as Nick’s mouth closes over his hole. He rocks down into the mattress before pushing back against Nick. Nick slips his tongue inside and Louis groans, hands tightening in the sheets.

“Go ahead,” Harry tells him. “We just want you to feel good, babe.”

Louis whines behind his teeth. It’s so easy to obey when he wants to.

He grinds against the mattress, nerves tightening as Nick presses his face even closer. Louis pushes back against Nick’s tongue, moaning when it only slides deeper. Nick’s so good at this. Louis gets caught there for a moment. Nick’s good and he’s good. It feels so _good_.

Nick adds lube before working a finger in. Louis wants so suck Harry too, but they decided it’s better not to in case he needs to stop. At least he can focus on Nick instead.

He tightens around Nick’s tongue before releasing. Nick hums against him before slipping a second finger in. Something in Louis relaxes at this, knowing it won’t go any further. The last of him stops worrying. He leaves himself in Nick’s capable hands.

Nick seeks out his prostate easily, tongue still flicking along Louis’ rim. Part of Louis is still surprised that it feels good. But he can trust Nick. And he knows Nick isn’t going to push him further than he’s ready for. He won’t make it hurt.

They build a rhythm together, Harry’s hands still in Louis’ hair. They’re not tight enough to hurt. It just feels good for both of them to be touching each other.

Nick’s fingers curl against his prostate, pressing firmly. “Gonna come for me, pretty boy?”

Louis thrills, pleased and embarrassed all at once.

“Wanna,” Louis gasps. “Wanna, Daddy, please.”

“Whenever you’re ready,” Nick tells him.

There’s no rush. Louis knows. But they’ve found that it’s helpful to remind Louis he can let go whenever he wants to. It’s another safeguard for him, but maybe he’ll feel guilty over it later. Not right now.

Louis loves this – all of it. He loves grinding into the mattress like he’s desperate for it. Nick’s mouth on his arse helping him along. It makes him feel dirty in a good way.

There’s an edge on his pleasure this time though. He’s not scared – exactly. He’s still excited. He still feels amazing.

“Daddy,” he whines, reaching for Harry and glad when Harry takes each of Louis’ hands in his.  
  
“Daddy,” Louis says again. “Please.”

“I’m right here,” Nick reminds him quietly, fingers still twisting in and out. “Right here, love. I’ve got you.”

Louis stills his hips, holding onto Harry and burying his cries in the pillow. Maybe it’s stupid but he wants it to be Nick to decide when he comes.

Nick must realize what he’s doing because he picks up the pace, fucking Louis as much as he can with his fingers. He tugs at Louis’ rim before twisting in again, sinking his teeth into Louis’ arse.

The pain is excellent.

Louis grips at Harry and pushes back into Nick again, moaning as the swell of pain tapers off. Nick lands a solid smack on top of the bite and Louis bucks as he comes. As his mind spins, electricity running up and down his spine, Nick is already in motion. He slips his fingers free and slides a small plug in their place.

Louis manages a weak moan, clenching down on it as the aftershocks of orgasm still ripple through him. No one says anything, though he and Nick are both panting.

Harry’s hands have loosened, his thumbs rubbing back and forth across Louis’ knuckles.

Louis exhales.

“How’s it feel?” Nick asks. “Alright?”

“I think so,” Louis says. His mind isn’t really fuzzy anymore and he didn’t really get to enjoy his orgasm much – but he does have something up his arse that isn’t attached to Nick.

It doesn’t feel good, exactly. But he’s not panicking. So that’s alright, Louis supposes.

“Why don’t you suck Harry for a bit and I’ll give you a little spanking and we’ll see how you feel?”

“Get him off?” Louis checks.

“Yeah,” Nick says. “Shouldn’t be too difficult.”

“Hey,” Harry protests.

“You wanna go under?”

“Yeah,” Louis decides. “But can I have my hands?”

“Course,” Nick says, kissing each side of his arse before shifting.

Harry releases him and Louis rolls his wrists before shifting too. He pushes onto his elbows. Harry moves as well, bringing himself closer to Louis and tossing the pillow away. Harry runs a thumb over Louis’ lower lip and Louis opens his mouth. He still can’t see a thing but it’s alright, Harry helps him.

Nick starts easy, not even enough to push Louis forward. Still, Louis braces his elbows to make sure he doesn’t choke. It’s easy enough to sink back under.

He can feel the plug as Nick spanks him, but it’s still not big enough to worry Louis. It can’t be much thicker than two of Nick’s fingers. In any case, he’s still got Harry to focus on too.

By the time Louis comes again, the plug feels settled in him. He almost feels like he could fall asleep.

“Good?” Nick whispers, easing the blindfold off his eyes. Louis blinks once before squinting up at him.

“Okay,” Louis says. “Yeah.”

“Good,” Nick smiles.

“I think I can do it,” Louis says. He closes his eyes and breathes out. “Someday.”

They’ve talked about this with the therapist too. How penetrative sex isn’t the end goal. It’s not some finish line. But Louis doesn’t want to feel like he _can’t_. Even if he never really enjoys it like Harry does, he wants to know he can do it.

And he wants that for himself. Not for Nick.

He wants lots of things for Nick. And for Harry, of course. He wants things for all of them really. But it’s alright for him to want things for himself too.

“Bath?” Nick asks next.

“Sleepy,” Louis mumbles, pushing Nick’s face away.

Nick laughs at him. “Alright, but I want to take that out while you’re still loose.”

Louis huffs but rolls a bit, pushing his arse up. Nick eases the plug out gently. Louis is distracted by Harry getting back in bed, anyway.

“I’m good,” Louis says, before he can say anything. “Thanks, mum.”

“Daddy and Mum,” Harry says without missing a beat. “Always here for you.”

“Gross,” Louis sighs. “Shut up, Harold.”

Harry does, smacking a kiss on his cheek and lying down. Nick climbs back in too, drawing the covers up. Louis seeks out his hand blindly, pleased when Nick drops it within reach. Then Louis tugs Nick’s hand close enough to kiss his ring.

“Goodnight,” he sighs.

Harry stretches over to kiss Nick too, Louis doesn’t bother opening his eyes to see where.

“Goodnight, loves,” Nick tells them both.

“Night,” Harry yawns.

.:. .:. .:.

Louis keeps going to therapy.

He has group sessions with Harry or Nick and sometimes both.

Louis trusts his therapist. He trusts Nick. But – most importantly - he’s starting to trust himself.

Panic attacks happen. It’s not Louis’ fault. It’s perfectly normal. Most of the time these days, he can talk himself down. And if he can’t, Nick and Harry are the very best at taking care of him afterward.

He’s finishing up a weeklong visit with his family and then he’s going home to Nick and Harry. Two days after that, Harry’ll go to see his mum and Louis will have Nick all to himself.

He kinda thinks they could try then.  
  
This isn’t the time to think about it though. He’s holding his baby brother in his lap and he honestly couldn’t be happier. He finally has a _brother_. Sure, it’s wrong to have favourites, but this baby is honestly the cutest baby in the entire universe. Louis is sure of it.

Though, his baby sisters were also quite cute.  
  
And he’s seen pictures of Harry as a baby thanks to Harry’s mum.

Babies are just gorgeous in general, Louis supposes.

“You’ll have to send me pictures daily,” Louis says. “At least.”

“You too,” his mum answers, smiling even with tears in her eyes.

Louis stands to settle Ernest on his cushion before settling next to his mum and hugging her tightly.

“Lou,” she sniffles. “I love you so much.”

“Me too,” Louis says. “The absolute most.”

His mum rubs his back and Louis feels completely safe. It’s quite lovely.

.:. .:. .:.

Saying goodbye breaks Louis’ heart. The fact that his siblings keep arguing over hugs and give him hugs over and over again makes him weepy. But it’s not like it’s the last time he’ll see them.

He’s going to see them all the time now.

And more than half of him can’t wait to get home anyway. It’s bittersweet.

He kisses the babies last, heart swelling as Dottie’s fingers tangle in his collar.

“Alright, mum,” he sighs. “You’ve gotta take her or I’ll never leave.”

“I suppose you’ll have to leave to come back,” his mum laughs quickly.

Louis forces a grin for her, leaning in to kiss her cheek as well.

“Love you the most,” he says.

“And I love you with precisely one-seventh of my heart,” his mum teases in response.

“Oi –it used to be one-fifth.”

“Things change.” She takes a deep breath. “Alright then, off to Manchester with you.”

Louis waves one last time before slipping out the door and into the waiting car.

.:. .:. .:.

Nick’s arranged for both a Dom and a sub to accompany Louis, both female, and as loath as Louis is to admit it – it helps.

But Louis has to remind himself what his therapist has told him over and over. If it works for him, it works. He’s not hurting anyone. Louis doesn’t have to prove anything by being in the presence of male Doms he doesn’t know or trust.

“Thank you,” he says shyly as they step out on the sidewalk.

“Thank you,” the Dom, Alyssa, says. “You were a delight, Louis.”

Louis does his best to ignore the way his cheeks are flush, waving goodbye and heading into the building. He’s jittery in the lift, unbearably excited to see Nick and Harry.

There’s only time for Louis to knock once before the door is swings open, Harry’s grinning face appearing.

“Louis!” he yells, launching himself forward and hugging him.

“It was only a week,” Louis protests, not letting go of Harry either.

“Hey, Lou,” Nick offers. He opens up his arms as Harry passes Louis over and Louis snuggles into Nick’s warmth.

“It was so great,” Louis says. “Thank you. I missed you.”

Nick laughs at that. “I missed you too, darling.”

“Hungry?” Harry asks, worming his way between them.

“Mmhm,” Louis agrees.

“Good,” Nick says. “We cooked.”

.:. .:. .:.

They pamper him that night.  
  
Then the next day it’s Harry’s turn.  
  
They send Harry off and it’s less of a heartbreak than Louis thought it would be. Nick’s right there to wrap him up in a hug and it’s easy enough to sink into it.

“Just stay away from the ocean, yeah?”

Louis rolls his eyes and pushes Nick away. “Shut up. You’re not nearly as funny as you think you are.”

“I’m a delight,” Nick tells him.

Louis doesn’t answer immediately, even if he is smiling a bit. “Yeah, you’re alright I guess.”

.:. .:. .:.

“Nick,” Louis whines, wiggling.

Nick is still mostly asleep, cracking open one eye.

“What is it?”

“I’m bored,” Louis says.

At this Nick sighs.  
“I do actually want to sleep in today.”

“It’s nearly eleven,” Louis complains.

Nick doesn’t answer, sighing again.

“C’mon,” Louis leans closer, “I want you to spank me.”

“Yeah? Or are you just teasing me to wake me up?”

“Both?” Louis laughs. “If I’m teasing you you’ll punish me, right?”

Nick smirks, leaning over and grabbing at Louis’ arse.

Louis squirms closer.

“Yeah,” he sighs, “c’mon.”

“Pants off.”

Louis tugs them down enough to expose his arse immediately.  
He grins down at Nick.

“C’mon,” he says again.

 

Nick sits up, patting his thigh.

“Being a menace this morning,” he offers.

Louis doesn’t even pause to grin, slotting himself across Nick’s lap.

“How many you want?”

“Thirty,” Louis says. “No, thirty-five.”

“Menace,” Nick repeats, landing two smacks quickly.  
Louis thrills at the heat that spreads through his stomach.

“Yes,” he groans, “Daddy, please.”

“You still need more, don’t you Lou?”

Louis nods into the sheets.

“Please.”

“I’m right here,” Nick reminds him.

Louis doesn’t hate pain.  
He thrills when Nick is hurting him.

 

Nick goes to forty at Louis’ insistence.  
Then he slowly rubs across Louis’ burning arse.

“Can I have fingers?” Louis asks, horribly turned on.

“Fingers?” Nick questions.

“Two,” Louis specifies, “please, Daddy.”

“Alright,” Nick agrees. “Grab the lube.”

Louis has to stretch to get to the nightstand, digging around quickly for the bottle of lube.  
He hands it back to Nick before settling in his lap again.

“Spread your legs for me,” Nick says.

Louis doesn’t need to be told twice.

 

He moans as Nick gently rubs at his rim, waiting until he can coax a finger inside.

Louis can’t help but arch his back, pushing his arse further up in the air.

“Please,” he sighs, hands curling in the sheets.

Nick adds lube and slips in the second finger.  
He crooks them slowly.

Louis shudders.

“Tell me what you want,” Nick says, pressing against his prostate.

“Wanna come,” Louis admits. “Harder, please.”

Nick pulls out and twists his fingers in again.  
“Go on,” he tells him, encouraging Louis to rub against him.

Louis is already thinking about getting his mouth around Nick’s cock.  
He wants to get him off too.

It doesn’t take long for Louis to come; the spanking was more than enough foreplay.

Nick rubs the swell of his arse gently, reaching into the nightstand drawer.  
He slips the plug in as he settles back.

Louis gasps and moans in succession.

He loves when Nick is feeling confident enough not to ask him about things.

“Good?”

“So good,” Louis nods.  
He inhales and exhales slowly.  
“Alright,” he says, twisting around and sitting up slowly. “Your turn.”

“Yeah?” Nick says, smirking.

“Mmhm.”

Louis takes the time to sit back on his haunches, biting his lip at the ache and sting of it.  
Then he grins at Nick and pushes him back on the bed.

.:. .:. .:.

They shower together and Louis feels both a little dirty and a little proud that he still has his plug in.

Nick gives his arse another squeeze as he slips into a clean pair of pants and Louis can’t help a small groan at the contact.

“Love your arse,” Nick tells him, “so perfect.”

Louis turns to kiss Nick.

“Bit better than yours.”

“Ha, ha,” Nick lets out dryly. Then he smiles. “Yes, it is.”

Louis leans closer a moment.

“Really want you to fuck me,” he admits quietly.

Nick is quiet for a long moment.

Louis can hear water still dripping from the showerhead.

“Me too,” Nick says. “But we have to go slow. We have to do this right.”

He’s right, Louis knows he is.

“Yeah,” he says. “Thanks for looking out for me.”

“Always,” Nick tells him.

“Still,” Louis presses a kiss to each of Nick’s cheeks, “thank you.”

“Hey,” Nick leans down to press their foreheads together, “you don’t need to thank me. ‘S my job.”

“Doesn’t have to be though. You chose me.”

“Just like you chose me,” Nick returns softly.

Louis’ cheeks heat at that.

“Yeah,” he says.

Nick laughs at him gently, rubbing a towel over his hair one last time before dropping it to the floor.

.:. .:. .:.

They take Pig for a walk together, picking up lunch on the way back. Louis pulls himself on the counter to eat and Nick joins him, leaning against the fridge.

“Dining room is pretty pointless,” Louis teases, banging his heel against a cabinet.

“Pretentious,” Nick agrees.

“You do know Harry wants a house.”

“Does he?” Nick asks. He doesn’t look surprised though.

“You know he does.”

They share a smile at that.

“You think we need more space?”

“I guess not,” Louis shrugs. “But it might be nice to get out of the city.”

“If that’s what you two want,” Nick says easily.

“Be a longer commute for you though.”

“If I wanted to continue dedicating my life to my _career,_ I wouldn’t have taken you two on.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way,” Louis starts, looking down, “but do you even like your job?”

“Not particularly.”

“You should quit then.”

“Just that easy?”

“No,” Louis says, smiling. “But I want you to be happy.”

“Me too.” Nick cleans up their trash before crossing to him and dropping a kiss on his mouth. “We’ll talk about it when Harry gets back, yeah?”

“Okay, but you can’t tell him I told you.”

“Cross my heart,” Nick smirks.

Nick steps closer to him, taking the triangle around Louis’ neck between his fingers. Then he lifts it to his mouth for a gentle kiss. Louis sighs as the triangle drops back down. The weight is hardly consequential resting against his skin, but it makes Louis feel good to wear it.

It feels even better to lean back and take in the look on Nick’s face though. His eyes are soft and he’s smiling back at Louis.

It doesn’t hit Louis all at once. Instead the little things settle over him like waves hitting the beach. Louis’ heart feels like it’s swelling in his chest.

He loves this man. He’s in love with him.

He loves Nick enough that it feels like it hurts. Maybe it does hurt. But it’s perfect all the same. 

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr is [here.](http://wannnaseeyoubright.tumblr.com)


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